Joseph, the difference i think lies in the nature of the WAW/WW.
Your EXW seems to be a reasonable human being, obviously not perfect or you wouldnt be here.
My EX is not. Its all a power struggle game to her.
Take the "Driving Anxiety" messages for example. What say you of that? (look back into last thread for details on this, would have been last weekend i posted about it)
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK, I think a lot of your wife's problem is that she is a spoiled brat. And therefore expects that she can just ask people and they will do it for her. Especially guys. You've said before that she is gorgeous. Well, gorgeous girls sometimes get an air of superiority and entitlement.
I am not disputing your claims of her having a personality disorder because you know her better than I do. But she strikes me as someone that has had everything handed to her on a silver platter and expects that others will pick up for her. Like the tuition payments thing. I think she fully expected you to jump in and rescue her because, well, she's her.
This plays into the manipulation as well. She thinks she can be nice, bat her eyes, flirt her way through life. I told you the other day that I think she can just lead you around by the nose and you will dutifully follow.
I will be interested in seeing how she reacts as you continue to detach. As you are not longer just jumping at her texts and requests. Again, that doesn't mean you are mean or angry. But as you firmly, and nicely, stand your ground she won't know how to act.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would also add that everything I did in my sitch I did it with the thought of my 2 girls in the back of my mind. I had a soccer parent come up to me last night and she asked me about the D. Then she commented that she has never seen two people going through a D act the way we did towards each other. She would have had no idea that a D was happening. I agree some of it has to do with my EW however I could have took it completely off the rails and went ape $hit on her. I just chose not to
I say that to say this. Your S will never remember what it was like to have his mom and dad under one roof. The only thing your S will have is pictures. My oldest will remember some things, my youngest probably not.
Your W may never respect you but as your S gets older do you want him to see mommy and daddy getting along? Do you want him to be able to be in the same room with the both of you? Do you want him to feel comfortable around the both of you?
If you want all of those things then you are going to have to pave the way for him and that means taking the high road and potentially swallowing your pride when it comes to your EW along the way because I highly doubt she is going to be capable of it.
Everything I did in my sitch I did it for my girls and my goal was to make them feel comfortable talking and interacting with us both, at the same time, and in the same room.
I am not telling you to not stand your ground or waiver from your core beliefs but going tit for tat is not a recipe for success. IMO DBing is about taking the high road. Now that you are separated there are not many boundaries that you can enforce. IMO now it is all about how you react to certain situations and those reactions will tell her a lot about where you are at mentally.
I read the convo about the Driving.....as V says they have scrambled eggs for brains. My EW still calls me about things that she should know the answers to. She gets confused a lot as well which just tells me the mental state she is in. It sounds like your W is very similar and is probably focused on the wrong things.
Stand your ground, don't pay her bills, don't enable her, don't bend over backwards.......just don't come off as being angy, pissed off, and cold about it. Yes, no, thank you, or no response at all.
When you pull back and she doesn't get what she wants I guarantee you she is going to lash out more especially once she starts to feel you pull away. You really have to prepare yourself for when that time comes and it will test your entire being.
Unless she asks a direct question about S3 such as "did you pack his green shirt?" or "how is he doing with potty training?" or "Where am I picking S3 up today"
I see no need in answering her. I dont think thats being mean or cold, its just me respecting my own boundaries i have set.
I think If i continued to respond where i dont NEED to, i run the risk of actually being mean or cold verbally. I think at this juncture, silence is golden.
She hasnt gotten silence from me except during the TRO period before communication about S3 was opened. This is how I have chosen to establish and display detachment.
Steve, you are right about the spoiled brat complex. Her parents have ALWAYS swooped in to save her @$$ when she has gone through these cycles before and had to bail out of living situations after she has devalued and discarded people, or been found out for who and what she is (this is what happened between her last EX and Me, she moved out of state to live with some guy [b]{while her EX was still deployed in the Army mind you.....} and when he discovered what she had done (this guy was also a soldier) he sent her packing in shame) Her parents have always been there to rescue her when she does this. Plus all the guys she has duped over the years, she is totally used to people just doing what she asks, especially when she spins the "Woe is me" act along with it. When she doesnt get her way, is when she goes into antagonistic passive aggressive attack mode.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Unless she asks a direct question about S3 such as "did you pack his green shirt?" or "how is he doing with potty training?" or "Where am I picking S3 up today"
I see no need in answering her. I dont think thats being mean or cold, its just me respecting my own boundaries i have set.
I agree
Quote:
I think If i continued to respond where i dont NEED to, i run the risk of actually being mean or cold verbally. I think at this juncture, silence is golden.
I second what J9 said. I attacked my sitch (eventually) with the main thing of doing only what would yield the best outcome and life for my daughter. That's all that mattered. My daughter was also a young one at 6 months old when this all happened and OW has been her stepmother ever since.
My daughter has had to live her whole life this way. So I realized she needed to be comfortable with all the key players in her life. My ex is a spoiled brat narc too. I call him out when needed, and only for my daughter's sake.
Act in the best interest of your S.
Oh, and I thought you were going to start focusing more on your stuff rather than her personality disorder? Your post yesterday sure did outline her personality disorder.....
Oh, and I thought you were going to start focusing more on your stuff rather than her personality disorder? Your post yesterday sure did outline her personality disorder..... [/quote]
That was due to the discussion I was having with Makia about the topic. He and I were going back and forth about it, and comparing notes. Had it not been brought up in conversational exchange with other DB'ers I would not have brought it up. But thanks for keeping me honest, i didnt know that me posting that would bother you Ginger.
I am acting in the best interest of my S, right now an amicable situation is not a realistic option. It will be in the future, likely after D is finalized, but right now I know my situation would be exasperated by talking with WIFE, and as far as I am concerned that is worse for S3. I am choosing no contact for non confrontation for the sake of S3.
In regards to Ginger and J9 about how to act and whether or not to reply. I will eventually become more open and communicative. I will take the high road and lead that change, when its time. Right now everything she is doing is antagonistic. I have stated several times in the past an amicable co parenting situation is my ultimate goal, but that will take time to establish. I have sent out olive branches in the attempt to establish this only to be met with derisive hostility. I will bide my time and re-approach this when things have settled down a bit.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I am more than happy to share if it can help gain some insight and perspective. I am also keeping my heart more open in real life and online as I need to not be ashamed of my past, and connect with people meaningfully.
As much as this has caused so so much damage, I am not a victim of it now. If anything, you find the strength and resilience from what you have gone through.
Yes, it is staggering what a parent can do. The magnitude of the damage caused by my mother to every single family member and many others is truly unbelievable. At least with my family members, we all shared the truth and started the healing process together.
Anyways, the moral of the story is that you be the best parent you can be. And then be even better than that some more. Learn self-reliance as much as possible and keep co-parenting civil. I think you're on a good path already and you'll get stronger.
I told myself that I will never repeat the mistakes of both my parents. And I am doing it. Trauma and hurt doesn't have to keep on going for generations. I made the conscious break and it's awesome.
Thanks J! Yeah, it's been a long road of recovery so far and I still have some more miles ahead of me, but I am stronger than ever before. I am looking forward to having that lady in my life that is also a warrior. It's been such a life, but it's getting better with every day.
