Advice on my Scenario Pt. 18 - Nunquam Iterum

[Bewas]

"WTF?! why would she do that and whats her endgame?

I and everyone else aware of my sitch in my life are asking the same thing about my W. It's just so damned irrational.

Their endgames are non existent I think... *shrugs*

The more the rational mind tries to understand something completely irrational like the WW mind, the crazier it makes the rational mind imo.

[TBSakaJ9]

There is no way to ever understand.....last weekend my ew was talking to me about us opening a business together. Absolutely makes no sense.......again let it go in one ear and out the other and keep walking. It is just noise, do not try to make sense of it.

[sandi2]

Hey Orange, have you watched videos on Cognitive Behavior Technique? If not, I encourage you to look for the basic CBT. I wish every LBS would read about it or watch youtube. I thought about the time you asked how you could stop having thoughts about your W all the time. Like, how could you get her out of your head. Take a look at some of the videos and see what you think about them. I watched LuAnn Helms, and she gave practice skills. Maybe this would be something that could help you.

[OrangeK]

Sandi,

I have been hearing about CBT through the videos by folks like Richard Grannon.
I was going to ask IC about it when i get setup with her, as she is on vaca until Monday.

I will be looking into the videos you mention.
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I am Looking forward to a good string of GAL events coming up!

I am going to take S3 on "Abenture" tonight after daycare pickup.
Ill probably take him in the canoe across the lake to the playground at my brothers house where i am now living.
Tomorrow we are going out on the ocean on SIL's Fathers Boat.
SIL's Dad and S3 have the same name, and S3 LOVES spending time with him, so thatll be good.
Sunday will be a relaxed day with S3 and then WIFE comes to get him on Sunday evening at 5pm.
Monday my friends have planned a special birthday edition of a D&D Gamenight for me.
Then i have S3 Tuesday Night and Wednesday.
After that I will be leaving super early on Friday for a big important business trip to Wash. DC on Friday. Very excited about this. Quick trip, flying to DC in the early AM, doing my meeting with some Big Movers in DC, then Flying back hom Fri Night. Just in time for my birthday on Sat.

S3 has been excited for my Birthday, and I will see him on Next Sunday night, and will celebrate my Bday with him then.

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Tuesday I am meeting with my grandparents to finalize funding for L.
WIFE has been accumulating neglected responsibilities that will not look good in court.
Has fallen behind on Daycare payments Twice, but yet has not filled out or sent in her packet she needs to complete for me to be able to pay child support.
I have mounting proof of the co-sleeping at OM's house.
S3 was telling me last night that she told him to say the "Boo Boo"s he got happened at my old roommates (Uncle BestFriend) house (She obviously told him to say this before she knew i moved from my BestFriends to my Brothers). He had 2 cuts, one on his thigh and one on his back. He said they were from "Bumping into Nails" whatever that meant.
They were little cuts, certainly nothing to worry over, hes a 3yo boy. Hes going to get bumps and scratches, im ok with that.
What I am not OK with is her telling him to say they happened when he was with me.
I asked him where the boo boo's came from and he said "Uncle BestFriend's House"
I told him we haven't been to Uncle BestFriend's In a few weeks, and that the boo boo's were new.
he replied "Mama said Uncle BestFriends"
i asked "Did Mama tell you to say you got those boo boos at Uncle BestFriend's?"
S3: "Yea!"
ME: "Oh ok, well they didnt happen there, but thats ok. Are your boo boo's ok and getting better?"
S3: "Yea!"
Me: "ok Buddy thats all that matters, i love you"

[OrangeK]

Weird. Getting the "Twisty stomach" feeling, like something bad is happening/going to happen.

I am in a GREAT mood today, so that is odd.

I swear my body/subconscious can tell when something is going to happen even if my conscious mind does not.

I hope I am wrong, and nothing happens.

[NicoleR]

OrangeK, sounds like fun plans coming up! Didn't you get that feeling in your stomach before a concert and fun weekend you had planned previously? Maybe there's a correlation between making a lot of plans and some anxiety or anticipation about them? You might still consider the magnesium supplement or some dietary changes to manage the feeling in your stomach and physical sensations you get if your doctor says that's ok. I have no idea about your lifestyle and diet but you can try drinking more water, reducing caffeine and alcohol, and eating healthy easy-to-digest foods when your stomach has that feeling but it does sound more connected to your mental state so it's probably just related to the life stress you're experiencing.

[OrangeK]

Nicole, Yes I did get the feeling before when i went to a concert. Major difference is that it was accompanied by one of the LOWEST lows of depression i have hit to date. I am feeling wonderful today.

I dont have a PC Physician, so thats not rly an option. No Health Ins either.

Oddly each time this has happened in the past (the weird stomach feeling) it has often (not always) been followed by some new event in the divorce/separation.

I just feel like she may get desperate / wreckless where i have been ignoring her. I hate having to speculate in what wasys shes going to try and discredit and slander me.
Like teaching our son to lie about where he got injuries.
So messed up.
I hope shes just busy with her own life and doesnt bother me.

[OrangeK]

I am going to type out a new letter for WIFE that I will post here, and NOT SEND TO WIFE.

I have done this twice before, and its helpful.
I find re-doing it as my outlook and perspective changes is helpful to keep myself on track.
Heads up. Itll likely be lengthy.

[OrangeK]

I think this is good.

I started with "WIFE, "

And sat here for a good 5 min trying to start a "NEVER-SEND" letter to WIFE,
and i couldn't come up with anything.

I dont have anything left to say to her, that i havent already said or have deemed useless to say.

I could easily draft a letter ranting and raving at her.
Calling her a liar, and a cheat, and a deceptive predator.
She would just enjoy the negative attention (hypothetically, as i would never send the letter i couldnt write ), and all that would do for me is stir up negative emotions and leave me with angry questions that lack answers, or have answers she will never give me.
No profit there.

I could also write a letter from the perspective of the loving, wounded, betrayed husband.
I could outline how she betrayed me, how we both know what she lied about and why.
I could talk about the good times, and ask "WHy did you throw it away"
She doesnt know that herself, so its again pointless to ask.
It would be a weak, NGS letter filled with veiled pursuit and Oozing with Beta Male subservience.
All that would do is make me depressed and (again hypothetically) she would just view it as weakness and it would show she still has her hooks in me.
No profit there either.

I could also write a letter saying that I know who and what she is, i dont hate her, i pity her.
I will not be a cuck, or a friend, I have boundaries and she needs to respect them.
That i know she is damaged and that what she did is a pattern, and part of a PD, and ultimately not her fault.
That would be disarming. It would alleviate her needing to take responsibility for her actions (which will never happen anyway) and basically gives her a get out of jail free card because she can claim its not her fault.
A good friend of mine went through MUCH WORSE trauma as a child, and she is self-aware and activley in mental health. She is well rounded and owns her disorders, and manages them.
WIFE's PD, past, history and trauma is NO EXCUSE for how she acted and what she did.
A mature adult would have recognized the self-destructive patterns she participates in and would have sought help by now.
NO PROFIT TO BE HAD HERE EITHER.

I know why she did this. Its what she always does.
I know why she lied.
I know why she hid the pregnancy.
I know she cheated and talked to men behind my back.
I know she has never been honest with anyone her whole life, even herself.
I know she doesn't care, never loved me and is incapable of ever loving anyone.

I dont have questions anymore.
I dont have any points to make to her, or rants i want to berate her with,

Will i still miss her sometimes? Probably.
Will i still recall the good times as good. Yes.
Are there aspects of her personality i will always like? Yes.
Is she beautiful? Yes.
Is she worth my time? No.
Do is deserve better? Yes
Will a time come where she wants to talk, and has things to say and share with me?
Likely, but im not holding my breath,
Will she regret her decisions? I have no clue.
Would it change anything if she did? NO.

Do i value myself, and think I am a good man? Yes
Do i have things to work on personally? Yes
Am i still healing? Totally.
Will it take time? Hell yes.

I did my best.
I was a good husband. Despite being painted as a physically and emotionally abusive, non-supportive jerk. I am not and i was not. I know that as much as she tries to lie to me, and herself, about what caused this and who was in the wrong, she knows the truth. It likely haunts her, as it should.
One more deed to add to her list of reasons for self loathing.

[sandi2]

I thought I would share something I learned from watching a CBT video. This practice is for those who have trouble with spinning thoughts/emotions. My notes won't read near as well as the psychologist sounded in the video, but here they are FWIW.

* Notice the thoughts that run through your mind. Recognize that your thoughts are not facts. Thoughts are not decisions. You may think about doing something bad, but it doesn't mean you will make that choice.

*Notice where your mind goes when thinking of some event in your life. What happens if your mind leaves the present time and thinks of something you might face in the future? Maybe you will feel anxious and worried. Those are your emotions "practicing" in the present time for something that hasn't happened. Bring your thoughts back and focus on what is happening now. What is the reality in this moment? The same is true when thoughts take your mind to a painful event in the past. If you start feeling resentment, sorrow, etc.....these are your emotions practicing after the fact. So, reel your thoughts back from the past and focus on the current moment.

* In many situations, we want to believe it was the situation, itself, that triggered bad emotions in us. Actually, it is how we interpret the situation. (An example was given of a cashier throwing a receipt at you, the customer). You may experience negative thoughts about that situation, but it doesn't mean it is the true fact. Ask yourself, "How did I interpret it?" "What were my thoughts telling me?" If those thoughts were negative, then shift your perspective. Ask yourself, "What is another way I can see this?" Maybe the cashier was having a terrible day, maybe she was exhausted, maybe she didn't intend to sling the receipt at you. This is you choosing how you want to interpret that situation, thereby, maintaining your emotions.

* Accept your current reality. It does not mean you approve. Make effective choices based on your reality.

* Separate the feelings from the actual facts.

* Create space between the "urge" and your choice.