1) (You actually asked 4.) So I will answer part D: "what about this causes them to have interest again?"
A lot of this is curiosity. Wanting to know what changed. Some WWs will notice the LBH isn't hounding, questioning, grilling, smothering, etc anymore and wonder why. Initially the curiosity is borne out of a desire to reestablish that control over the LBH. But regardless, where there is interest, there is suddenly a paying attention. He is acting different. He is more confident. He has moved on. And this can trigger in the WW feelings of desire and attraction, sometimes against their wishes! If he remains consistent (I'll get to that with your 50 times question) then eventually there is a feeling of loss, and of not being able to "have" him anymore. Wanting what we can't have is a VERY strong motivator in human-beings. Once this last state is reached usually the WW starts to let go of her waywardness in an effort to win back the LBH.
4) Because most of the time it is based on fallacy. People can suspend disbelief long enough to have As and to convince themselves to leave their spouse. But eventually truth wins out. When a WW convinces herself that her LBH isn't worth it, when he is, she eventually regrets her decision. And that will then cause her to realize the truth, that he was a good guy, maybe even a great man. Some come to this realization sooner than others, and it some the convincing of the lies does become permanent.
5) See answer to 1D above. Sometimes the LBH's new R is the catalyst that proves his detachment to the WW.
7) For those that have successfully detached. Or differentiated. Or let go. Most will tell you that they didn't even realize they did. One day they just started thinking differently. For me it the final act of dropping the rope was to stop snooping. I just stopped. I didn't realize I had dropped the rope, I just didn't have the desire to check up on her anymore. It didn't matter. We were either going to R or D, but what she did in between was immaterial to me suddenly. But to your point it was a a series of starts and stops up to that point. 50 times at least. Sometimes I did it pretty well, but then a day or two would go by and I would feel the urge to snoop again. So there is no ah-ha moment. And you don't know it is permanent until a long long time when you look back and realize that you have been detached for quite a while.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I did a lot of research this weekend, into me and my issues, not WIFE and PD's.
Great!
Quote:
Lastly i learned about "Emotional Re-Regulation" There is a great video on this by Richard Grannon on Youtube. 10min long. - Sandi, id love your thoughts on this video.
I found it to be very interesting, and I plan to watch his other videos. I encourage you to practice everything he said about emotional re-regulation.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I was a big clean freak/OCD. I didn't like clutter laying around. WW left a sink full of dishes, left stuff out on counter. I didn't say anything about it. Sometimes I even cleaned up a couple of things and never mentioned that I did.
Before, I would have been whining and crying and carrying on.
That's one of my 180's.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I did a lot of research this weekend, into me and my issues, not WIFE and PD's.
Great!
Quote:
Lastly i learned about "Emotional Re-Regulation" There is a great video on this by Richard Grannon on Youtube. 10min long. - Sandi, id love your thoughts on this video.
I found it to be very interesting, and I plan to watch his other videos. I encourage you to practice everything he said about emotional re-regulation.
Ive bookmarked the video, to listen to daily. Also subscribed to his channel
ACTION!
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Just a though or two from someone going through a tough sitch as well.
180's are you realizing how you can improve your life. Not how to get your wife back.
Working out is a great one to start with as it helps keep you busy, you feel better, are healthier and if you do it right, you even look better! You being in shape makes you more attractive.
Were you eating like crap before because of everything you were going through that you hit every fast food joint in town or couldn't drop the chips or cookies at night since you were stress eating? Get back to a healthier diet and a healthier you!
Were you drinking too much to self medicate? Control it better!
Were you working long, long hours and it made things difficult in your MR since you just weren't focused on that? Did you take for granted that your W was always going to be there and didn't see the signs? Change it!
Were you spending too much money or complaining about her spending or just too controlling with money? Think about it clearly if this was over control on your own and towards her and see how you can deal with that. (very difficult since most of the sitch's on here have financial issues, mine totally included!).
Did you blow up when you got into an argument? Learn to take your time, to listen, not to react too quickly and choose your words carefully.
Just a few thoughts on the 180's. As has been said on this board that the 180's are for you regardless of how your MR turns out. Become the spouse only a fool would leave and if they do, you are just that much of a better person FOR YOU!
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Well i threw caution to the wind, and talked pretty throughly to WIFE. More than i probably should have said, but man am I glad I did.
She just really really reinforced the fact that she will never accept any type of blame, or responsibility for anything, let alone the lions share of our MR downfall. Blames me for all, denies the things we both knows she did, and lives in a complete fantasy land.
We spoke at length about her sharing OM's bed with S3, and that S3 tells me about it each time it happens, and doesnt like it. She claimed OM works overnights 6 days a week. He works at a brewery, so i know thats not true.
She found out through snooping my FB/IG that I had been dating, and grilled me about that. accusing me of "Setting S3 aside to date" which i never did. She can cheat for 6 months while we are still living together and being intimate, and leave our household to pursue the affair, but i "set S3 aside to date" Simply delusional.
She finally actually admitted to dating OM for the first time since October. so that was a step.
Long story short, is that i finally just grabbed my balls, and decided to just ASK the things ive been wondering about, and i got my answers, none of them were TRUE but i know its the version of the truth SHE believes.
I had another chat with her EX, and it just validated all the similarity between her leaving him and her leaving me. All the way down to the blame shifting, the cover ups and everything.
I was holding on to a last piece of her, thinking (due to her manipulations) that I was at fault here.
I know what portions of this are my fault, I have the capacity to look inward and analyze that. In the past ive been co-dependent, somewhat controlling, needy, temper-mental when things didn't go my way (though not AT her, for her i always had patience, but she didnt like seeing me get ANGRY about other things too)
She accused me of being emotionally abusive (isnt that RICH?) bitter, unsupportive, angry and physically abusive (WHAT?! she can ONLY be referring to her car, other than that, i would NEVER EVER do anything physical, despicable) Denied "leaving me for another man" (she was dating OM for 7 months prior to me finding out)
-------------------
The moral of the story. I guess i needed one last BIG confirmation that wast 3rd party hearsay that she is that convinced she did nothing wrong, its all my fault, and that she will lie to save her skin, no matter the circumstances.
I dont need a woman like that in my life. Ever. Or ever again.
No more "why did WIFE do X" or "Why would WIFE say Z"
She is a hollow person, constantly looking to try and fill herself with others happiness and personality.
Its a sad, sad way to live. Literally the only thing she has going for her is her looks, and those will be on the downhill.
I dont say these things out of spite, but out of realistic realization.
It is the simple truth. I get no enjoyment of being 100% sure of these things, if anything, the opposite.
I had been holding on to hope she MAY be savable, might someday take responsibility for at least a FRACTION of what shes done, and if she just denied all day, that would be one thing, but she shifts the blame to me, and we both know that isnt what happened. If she is so OK with destroying someone she pledged a lifelong vow to, within the first 6 months of said vow, then stick to her guns and maintain that, she did nothing wrong in our MR, as well as every other R she has ever been in, then she really is simply inhuman.
I hope one day some event causes her to seek treatment. that was my last goodbye. im not even mad, or disgusted, as i feel i should be.
I feel like i would if i was at a playground and Someone else's kid was acting like a complete fool, throwing a tantrum. I just feel mildly embarrassed for the other parent, and just pity for the screaming child. Basically the brokenhearted version of "Sux to be her"
Thank you to all who stuck with me through the cheese-less journey i have partaken in these last few months. Im a hopeless romantic, i had to be 110% sure she was totally gone / was never there.
i have some thinking to do tonight, and more research on detachment and moving on, but this helped me move on a lot.
She truly is delusional. its sad. she exists as if life was a mashup between a Disney Princess movie and a Soap Opera.
Talk to yall later. time to go get S3 from school and GAL.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
My sitch is the same as yours. Can never admit ant wrong, lies so naturally and beleive it. It's so sad. I'm getting more to the stage of moving on too. I didn't want that but hey like she said it is what it is. I hope you find some peace. I hope you find someone that would never do this to you!
Well, our sitch's are a little different, however, the delusional state of mind of our WW's isn't...
With my W, it's like she's in a room that's on fire all around her while she's just sitting there at a table sipping a cup of coffee, telling herself "this is fine, I'll be fine, it's everyone else who is stupid for leaving this burning building". To anyone thinking rationally, she's a complete idiot for destroying her life for whatever fantasy she is living in.
I am glad that through talking to your W, it is helping you move on even though the answers you got from her weren't true.
W 31(WW) Me 32 Married 7 years together 12 1 kid - 1.5 yr old S BD 23/05/2018 Separated since BD I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity OM or just fling? Not sure...
OK it saddens me that this far in you still needed this. Right after asking those very poignant questions earlier. But I guess if that's what you needed to start really detaching then so be it. My fear is that you will continue to cycle like this. That you will never be truly over her. I've known guys like that and they have been miserable for almost their entire lives since.
So hang in there. I know the thrill of this discussion had you on a high when you typed this but the inevitable low is coming. It always does after discussions like these. We think "yeah I got to say this!" Then later we realize the discussion got us no where.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
