Advice Needed To Deal With WW - Part 2

[joejoe1]

B,

Please don't get in the way. Let her go. This is her journey. Don't try to explain her family situation. That's not you role or job, she had to figure this out on her own without you in her way to blame.

Oh, and if you try to explain to her she just will spew and show nothing but anger towards you. You are right, she won't believe you.

[Bewas]

B,

Please don't get in the way. Let her go. This is her journey. Don't try to explain her family situation. That's not you role or job, she had to figure this out on her own without you in her way to blame.

Oh, and if you try to explain to her she just will spew and show nothing but anger towards you. You are right, she won't believe you.

Yea, I figured that is the best course of action. It just [censored] because I can't help but think that every time her parents watch our son for me while I'm working (which my W knows) or do anything for me whatsoever it will just push her farther away. I guess when I think about it though, she really couldn't be any farther away anyways at this point and I perhaps shouldn't worry about it so much. It's all her doing anyways when it comes down to it. She's reaping what she's sowed I suppose.

[Bewas]

So yesterday was very very interesting.

We had decided that I was to drop off our son for the weekend and the whole week (finally!) due to her cancelling her "girls trip" to the mountains. I ended driving him back to our house where she is still currently staying. She had also stated that she wanted to discuss separation stuff like bills, etc.

When I got there, I noticed she had actually cleaned up the house a little, got things for our son that he'll need for daycare that he will soon be attending, she had even got groceries! I also noticed she had got an entire pizza for herself...which is odd as it had seemed like she had been basically starving herself lately and had gotten super thin. She at first didn't really seem to have a different attitude towards me. Still pretty standoffish and not friendly. Still the same old, "we should get things moving with the divorce", etc etc. But not seemingly doing anything about it herself. I'm certainly not lifting a finger when it comes to that any time soon unless forced.

As we got to discussing bills, I made it clear pretty early on in the conversation that she was to stop talking condescendingly towards me and show respect or else I am leaving and we would have to discuss another day. It actually kind of worked...I was surprised. I ended up having to "lay the law" down a couple times when it came to our bills as I had actually already calculated everything out myself and knew what was what so when she was trying to get me to pay for part of the bills from her shop, I had to put a stop to that pretty quick. I do hope I wasn't too stern, I wasn't angry or anything, just decisive and matter of fact. I made it known to her several times that this is the path she's chosen and it's her problem now, not mine. I also wasn't trying to be unfair or anything. I was also upbeat and laughed at things and smiled and played with my son.

I made it very clear that there were to be no renters in our house so long as my things are there and I am paying my half of the mortgage. I told her I'm not paying anything other than mortgage, land tax, etc. She didn't seem to like that idea but doesn't have much choice other than to move out then. (which all of the sudden doesn't seem to be on her radar) I had heard earlier last week through the grapevine she had asked someone to rent out our basement without asking me about it! Seriously... I can definitely sense that her finances are not going according to plan. I just have this feeling that she thought she would be so much better off without me that way because she somehow thought I didn't do anything and just leeched money (sigh, how stupid)...hopefully she is seeing that wasn't the case now.

Once the house bill discussions were finished I noticed she seemed very tired. She had put our son down for a nap and then she just slumped in the couch and had this kind of far away look in her eyes even though she was on her phone. Whether I should have or not, I did ask her "if you don't mind me asking, why didn't you go on that girls trip, you had wanted to go on that since before all this happened?" She replied, "I never really did want to go on that trip." To which I was kind of surprised. Then the real revelation...She stated "it's all been too much and I actually have been seeing a councilor" !!! I said that that is good thing and left it at that.

I went about getting a few more things done and a little bit later, I went back into our living room to let her know I'm leaving. When I went to the living room and I saw her on the couch...she just looked so very very tired and how should I put it...defeated. This is the first time I've seen so much damage in her armor since this started.
My parting words to her were, "I'm glad you are seeking counselling, you truly need it and I hope they can help you see some sense, goodbye." I spoke very calmly. She didn't even quip back or anything. Just looked at me kind of forlorn and again just seemed kind of defeated.

I'm trying to not look into this too deeply but is this perhaps the beginning of her at least understanding there is a problem with herself and not just me? If she is telling the truth about counselling, maybe it's possible. Is she perhaps starting to feel the weight of everything she's done? I think this week will be very telling in she has our son all by herself with no help at all. It will not be easy for her. Something I did every day while also working. I guess we shall see.

I 100% "won" the day in my opinion as I was the one leaving with my head held high. It felt good to not be walked on. It however, didn't really feel good to see her so defeated, even after all she's done. I guess that's normal human empathy.

A question I have is, would it be a good idea for me to text her something positive at all this week? Something along the lines of "For what it's worth, I'm glad you took our son for the week, he does need his mom." Or is that something I shouldn't do? If not that, would it be ok at least for me to check up on him after a few days? Like just text, "how has he been?" I am genuinely concerned about him and want to know...

Did I handle everything properly? Is my WW finally showing signs of cracking? Am I looking to much into this? Any advice and thoughts on this would be so very helpful.

Oh, and a last parting question...if she is seeking counselling as she says, is that actually a good thing for me as I'm not actually there to defend myself? Or will they just validate her and make me look worse? Anyone with any experience in this?

Thanks!

[mtb1981]

Remember Sandi's rule... Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does...

Don't read too much into any of it. Just keep on DB'ing. If she is softening up, it's too early to know. You'll know when she's ready, but it isn't right now...

[joejoe1]

B,

IMO, next time, I would layoff the comments about it being good that she is seeing a counselor.

You dis a good job sticking to your guns

Also, do ask her any questions about her life. It's hers and when she is ready to tell you about it she will.

In my opinion she is not sofening she is just wore down. Shes putting on an act that's hard to maintain.

You will know she is sofening when her attitude towards you lighten up.

One thing I suspect might be happening as well is her fantasy is crashing and reality is starting to kick her but some. But you have to start making smart remarks and stop being inquisitive about her life. Let the process Work. Get out of her way and let her go!

[Bewas]

Remember Sandi's rule... Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does...

Don't read too much into any of it. Just keep on DB'ing. If she is softening up, it's too early to know. You'll know when she's ready, but it isn't right now...

Yeah, i know I shouldn't read too much into it. I agree, she isn't softening yet.

[Bewas]

B,

IMO, next time, I would layoff the comments about it being good that she is seeing a counselor.

You dis a good job sticking to your guns

Also, do ask her any questions about her life. It's hers and when she is ready to tell you about it she will.

In my opinion she is not sofening she is just wore down. Shes putting on an act that's hard to maintain.

You will know she is sofening when her attitude towards you lighten up.

One thing I suspect might be happening as well is her fantasy is crashing and reality is starting to kick her but some. But you have to start making smart remarks and stop being inquisitive about her life. Let the process Work. Get out of her way and let her go!

Ok, so I'll stop making remarks about counselling and anything else to do with her personal life. I haven't really lately at all, just when I asked about her trip, but I shall refrain in the future.

I agree with you that she is probably just getting worn down right now.

Is it ok to check in on my son to see how he is doing at least once a week or something? I'm not sure on this?

Thanks

[Bewas]

So, yet more new developments last night.

She has now apparently blocked my account on FB for some reason. I'm trying to figure out why. I don't post often but I have been posting things with our son and a few things I've been up to. Nothing to do with her, just kind of my new gal stuff. Maybe she just doesn't want to see it or me doing things? Or maybe she doesn't want me to see what she is doing? Which if she doesn't want me to see what she's doing, that's stupid because she posts mostly through Instagram anyways and I can see all of that even if I didn't have an account.

I did notice however a photo that she posted on there through Instagram that had my son and one of her new besties which I despise...Maybe she didn't want me seeing that. I don't know. I'm more concerned now that she'll be hiding things from me in regards to our son too. I suppose I shouldn't bring this up with her either right?

Also, I found out from yet another person she's STILL trying to rent out part of our house even after I told her I was having none of that. How does she think she will get away with that? I'll never agree to a renter to help her out so long as I'm paying half the mortgage and my stuff is there. It's not happening. I thought I made it very clear the other day it wasn't something I was ok with. I guess it's like talking to a wall or something. Very frustrating.

She definitely isn't softening yet. Maybe getting worn down because she is losing control, but I think this is far from over.

[Bewas]

So, yet more new developments last night.

She has now apparently blocked my account on FB for some reason. I'm trying to figure out why. I don't post often but I have been posting things with our son and a few things I've been up to. Nothing to do with her, just kind of my new gal stuff. Maybe she just doesn't want to see it or me doing things? Or maybe she doesn't want me to see what she is doing? Which if she doesn't want me to see what she's doing, that's stupid because she posts mostly through Instagram anyways and I can see all of that even if I didn't have an account.

I did notice however a photo that she posted on there through Instagram that had my son and one of her new besties which I despise...Maybe she didn't want me seeing that. I don't know. I'm more concerned now that she'll be hiding things from me in regards to our son too. I suppose I shouldn't bring this up with her either right?

Also, I found out from yet another person she's STILL trying to rent out part of our house even after I told her I was having none of that. How does she think she will get away with that? I'll never agree to a renter to help her out so long as I'm paying half the mortgage and my stuff is there. It's not happening. I thought I made it very clear the other day it wasn't something I was ok with. I guess it's like talking to a wall or something. Very frustrating.

She definitely isn't softening yet. Maybe getting worn down because she is losing control, but I think this is far from over.

Just a little bump for some advice.

[OrangeK]

Regarding the house rental situation.
You set your boundary and told her about it. Stick to it.

In regards to everything else, Stop looking. Stop snooping. It only hurts, it doesnt help, and makes you seem weak when you (and you will eventually TRUST ME) bring up something and confront her about a social media post.
this well be translated to "OMG look how hes is stalking me and keeping tabs on me CREEPY!!" when she smears you to her friends.

Do yourself a favor, dont go on her IG, Snapchat, FB, Pinterest or anything else.
Nothing but pain comes of it, i have broken this rule several times and paid dearly for it.

I still have the illicit photos and videos WIFE had been sending to people in the past. I have kept them as a back-pocket thing in case i ever need proof of infidelity, but knowing they are there to look at gets very hard sometimes.
I gave the flashdrive containing them to my Sister in law for safe keeping, so i wouldnt be tempted.

Best advice, just stay the hell away from all of it.
Its snooping and pursuit. Refer back to Sandi's 37 Rules.
youre just hurting yourself bro.