Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[sandi2]

Are you currently in a SSM?

[Bern19]

Oh, without question. Has been for years.

[sandi2]

I know men and women think very differently when it comes to the subject of sex. And when a couple has been in a SSM for years, I could understand a man taking the offer of sex without question. However, when you have already discovered some inappropriate texting between your W and another guy.........and then one day out of the blue she initiates sex with you........do you not have any alarm bells going off? Are you telling me your biggest concern is accepting or rejecting her advances?

First, just to get this out of the way........yes, women have used sex as a means to get something else.....ever since the beginning of time. It doesn't mean every single woman has........but probably, at least once, she had sex with her H for some other reason than just b/c she couldn't keep her hands off him. Sorry, guys.

So, back to your sitch. She has no desire for you. It's dead......there's nothing there. Hasn't been anything in years. So, she gets interested in some other guy. He makes her feel certain things. Then SUDDENLY, whamo! She is initiating sex!

You even wondered if it was a Father's Day gift, b/c you had been so forgotten.

If you've been in a SSM for years, due to her having no sex drive........then she suddenly initiates, I suspect it is b/c the OM has jump-started her sex desire. Yes, she used you......or rather, she used your body.

Your gut has been talking to you, and it's on track. Do not get distracted by her sudden interest in sex. It may happen again........or several times (if you are willing). It does not mean she wants to work on the MR. It does not mean she has lost interest in OM. The OM is getting her all hot & bothered, and she's using your body as a means of sexual relief. Which guy do you think is in her head while having sex?

So, how has she acted toward you, since Father's Day?

[SteveLW]

I'd like to go back to the Father's Day initiation for a second. Because it just struck me that another anti-divorce author (not MWD) talks about a phenomenon when it comes to WAWs/WWs and the LBH detaching.

When you detach properly and they start to feel the loss of control slipping away, they will often resort to sex (and if they are in a full blown PA usually it is oral sex) in order to reestablish some control. She predicted that when the LBH emotionally differentiated that the cheating W would usually go to that.

Wives in limbo (many of whom are in PAs) are unsure of what they want, but they know they want that safety net there. Since intercourse is often saved for the AP, they will resort to oral sex to try to control the H.

Anyway, that just hit me.

That's crazy to read. I'd love to see the rest.

No way would I be engaging in that if I were you, Bern.

Well if there is no PA, then it is ok as long as you attach no expectations of meaning to it. But if there is a PA then avoid it due to disease.

[Bern19]

Your gut has been talking to you, and it's on track. Do not get distracted by her sudden interest in sex. It may happen again........or several times (if you are willing). It does not mean she wants to work on the MR. It does not mean she has lost interest in OM. The OM is getting her all hot & bothered, and she's using your body as a means of sexual relief. Which guy do you think is in her head while having sex?

Sandi, just to clarify, catching her texting a OM was over 4 years ago. Shortly after we had reconciled and had gotten pretty close. I'm just seeing some of the same "red flags" that I saw back then.

I have no proof or anything that there is a OM. I do know that she had gotten more distant and secretive... (changing password on phone, buying one of those screen protectors that makes it so you can only see the screen when looking straight on, not from an angle). When i brought up the issue of her acting distant, she just said that everything was fine. Well, she wasn't acting that way. Of course (this was pre-DB) I kept pushing over the next couple weeks trying to get her to talk to me, asking her several times to just tell me everything was OK. She never did come out and say it. That's when my suspicion got the better of me and I started checking her phone logs. That's also when i set up the camera in our bedroom hoping to get some insight as to what was going on. Since then, she's changed the password on our phone account so i can't access the phone logs, and she never leaves her phone unattended.

So, how has she acted toward you, since Father's Day?

Well other than the one day when she got all bent out of shape about the whole return at the store and called me lazy in front of the kids, things have been... um, tolerable would be the word i'd use. She's not initiated again, but has been nice. Not mean or spiteful, but certainly not loving. I've been trying to detach, sometimes I feel like i'm doing it right, others I know i'm not detaching for myself, but wanting her to notice that I am detaching. When that happens it's easy to get resentful and detaching turns into me just being spiteful. Still working on that one.

I have resisted the temptation to try to drag her into talking about the MR. But I did fall off the wagon and did some snooping of her internet usage and found that she's visited her "site of choice" twice since fathers day. No need to initiate when you'd rather be with anyone but me to begin with. Now I know firsthand why your supposed to cut out the snooping. Only person that it hurt was me. I did see she's visited a few marriage counseling sites, but she certainly hasn't put anything she may have seen there into practice.

As for GAL, I was doing great out of the gate, but have not done as well lately. Been spending a lot of time around the house doing odd jobs and such. Need to get out of the house and start meeting some new people.

[Bern19]

Thanks Steve85. I've decided to not initiate myself so as to not pressure her in anyway. I'm still not sure that I shouldn't decline if she were to initiate again, just to get her thinking. I've always been one of those guys that is "ready" at any time, so me turning her down might just make her realize that she's losing a bit of control.

[Bern19]

last few days have been relatively uneventful. She's been nice and is seemingly trying to limit her screen time when i'm around. I think she knows it makes me uncomfortable watching her choose to communicate with anyone that is willing on that device while being able to ignore those that are right there in front of her.

This weekend I knocked out several more projects around the house, two of which were things the wife has been wanting done for a while. Can't remember the last time she actually showed appreciation for something I had done, but I could tell she was impressed. Saturday night when i went to bed, she asked if I had taken a shower. I told her I was too tired and would do it in the morning before church. She said wanted to "thank me" for the all the hard work I had done but she needed a shower too and could I wait till after we both showered in the morning. I told her that she didn't have to do that, it was all stuff that needed done and I wasn't expecting a reward.

Sunday morning came, I showered first, and instead of waiting in the bedroom for her to finish her shower, I got ready quickly and went out to start working on breakfast for the kids. I basically avoided any chance of being alone with her all day. She went to bed first and I waited about 45 mins to go in, she was still awake and on her phone. I just got in bed and layed there. She definitely was expecting me to initiate, I didn't and just fell asleep. I can tell you it felt pretty good to be the one in control for once. Not that i'm playing a game here, but knowing that she can't manipulate me at will, feels pretty good.

Gonna work on GALing full speed this week. I think i might have her attention, so it's time to just keep on track and let her see what she will be missing.

[sandi2]

Hey Bern, how are things going?

[Bern19]

Hi Sandi, sorry i've been absent. Confirmed her PA. Not sure she isn't aware this board. Can't really take that chance. I tried to PM you, but looks like that feature is locked to us newbies. Thanks for checking in...

[Bern19]

Hey Bern, how are things going?

Ok, well guess I have nothing to lose at this point.

So I had been working on my GAL, and detachment without seeing any visible results in her behavior. I knew that it was going to take time, so I didn't let her indifference phase me and just kept trying. Like most LBH's I failed and had more setbacks than I'd like, but finally began to feel a bit more in control of myself. Had a couple IC sessions with a pastor from a local church that deals with marital issues, including infidelity. His methods were to pursue, love, etc. He advised that I buy a book that a Kirk Cameron Movie was based on and "dared" me to love my wife, so I did. On Day #3, I left work early to surprise my wife at home with a gift which was that day's dare. Came home quietly to surprise her and as soon as I got into the house I heard the unmistakable sound of two people having sex in my dining room. Same co-worker that she was texting years ago. Same guy that I've suspected for some time now. I was in shock and just stood there listening (wish I'd not done that now). After they finished, I snapped out of it and just walked out the door. They didn't even know I had been there. Looking back, I wish I'd have just busted in on them just to see her reaction. Because when I confronted her later that night, she was emotionless. I'm pretty sure she actually said. "well, I guess I'm sorry". My head was spinning though, so that could've been me imagining things. When it was clear she wasn't going to talk about it with me, I left and drove to OM's house and confronted him. Told him to leave my wife alone, and if he ever talks to her again that I would tell his wife. By the time I had gotten home, they had already been in touch per my wife. She claims he texted her and said that "I was right, and it was over". I facebook messaged his wife anyway since he ignored my request to leave my wife alone.

So, the OM's wife contacted me the next afternoon. She said she told her husband that she had received an odd facebook message from a stranger (me), so he confessed everything to her. She wanted me to know that he has committed to fixing their marriage and that he won't be talking to my wife anymore.. My wife is devastated that he's dropped her, and blames me for the whole thing. Said it's my fault and that all my accusations pushed her into it. I wish I could say I did all the right things, but like most LBH's I spent the first couple days playing the "pick me" game. I still seem to have issues with sticking to the plan long term, but each stretch gets longer and the "down" time is getting shorter.

She claims that the affair is over, that he won't even make eye contact with her. She is obviously going through withdrawal. We have only talked about things a few times as I know she isn't ready to be honest with me, and I don't want to discuss it until she ready to be truthful. I'm guessing that will happen if she hits bottom and decides that she wants to be with me. Right now she claims it's only been going on for a few months, but putting some pieces of the puzzle together, I believe it's been well over 2 years now. My biggest issue right now is that while he dumped her for his wife, I'm pretty sure had he picked my wife, she'd have gone with him. So the fact that they work together and have access to each other every day, I wonder what happens when he decides that he misses what he had with my wife and they try to strike up a "friendship" again and just make sure they are more discreet than before.

She says she doesn't want to split apart our family, but it's clear she considered our marriage dead and over in order to justify her tryst. She's not sure she can trust me and that I'll just go back to my emotional abandonment and leave her vulnerable again. We went to MC this weekend and it was clear she isn't ready to reconcile. She doesn't feel she's ready to talk about it, and really would rather not even have to. She even said that she just wants to close the book on this chapter of our life an move on. I know that without a major transformation in our MR, it will just be a matter of time before she is back with him or with the next co worker that takes a fancy to her.

In spite of it all, I still do love my wife and don't want to drag my family through a divorce if it can be avoided. But i'm also certain I'm not interested in just sweeping it under the rug and moving forward with my head down. So, I'll get back to GAL and living my life. As I prove that I can be OK independent of her, maybe she'll snap out of it and start to realize what she is going to lose. Honestly, it'd be nice to see any emotion out of her. This indifference is hard to take.