Still working on all the "rules", but stuck my foot in it. She started asking me how I feel etc, and I ended up blurting out that I was still willing to work on the R. I could tell that after working hard on detachment, she was taken back by me saying that. Yet more to dig out from...
One mistake didn't put your relationship in the situation it is now. One more wont kill it. Just take it as a lesson learned. It will get easier as you have more experience. Breathe. You can do this.
Hang in there.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Still working on detaching. Got the I want to be friends and do stuff as a family speach. The WW cake eating is classic. Wants me as a backup plan. Just need to keep setting boundries.
Your situation is different from mine but I do really admire your boundary-setting. Good for you. I'll try to follow your thread and hope to get more updates.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
Might have made another dumb life decision, but its over now. Had been planning a vacation with the kids since Jan. I kept telling myself that this would be the last family vacation for the kids ever. I did this for the kids 100%. I made sure they had fun. So I did agree to go camping. It was hard. Had a few arguments etc but nothing to major, as we had agreed to not discuss anything while camping. We mostly stuck to it. We also had arranged "alone" days where one of us would spend time with the kids by ourselves. It mostly worked. She was glued to her phone the entire time, texting her new "friends" the entire time.
I tried to stay detached. I didnt want to worry about what shes doing. I did have a meeting with a lawyer before I left. I want to ensure I have custody of the kids, if she pulls the plug. Well as we were driving back she starts by stating I need to watch the kids during the week since she wants to be out with her friends.
I explain I am not built in babysitting. I explain that I dont think the time allotment is close to equal. I say we need a parenting schedule. So I can GAL etc.
This opened up a can of worms. We start discussing schedules, custody etc. All I want is some boundries on time. I suspect her EA partner/s want her out more. I cant fully DB if I'm at the house each night doing bedtime.
Dont get me wrong, I love my time spent with the kids, but this seems unfair. To me its all cake eating. I'm starting to see a life divorced. Where I'm not in pain by seeing her constantly chasing other people. There are so many bad things about divorce that I see, but I'm in that space where I know it wont be my choice, but will have to go on reguardless. I might as well make the best of it.
Thanks for sharing that update. I know this seems weird (even for me to say it) but I do get some sort of solace in the fact that another person is feeling the exact same way as me with respect to D not being a choice, but something that may be out of our control, and the sort of relief that resigning to that can bring.
I hate that this is happening for you this way, but based on even this latest update, I have to agree that she really seems to be cake-eating and for the most part it's as if you all are taking the steps toward D and she's just making it harder for her own gain.
H:39 W:30 M:4 T:9
05/2018: H says "ILYBNILWY", BD 07/2018: Discovered A, confronted 09/2018: PA + other details emerge; H moved out 12/2018: I filed 03/2019: Divorce finalized
cdn- Everything for the kids- is always a good thing. They often grow up too fast and we often miss these opportunities for life's magical moments. Do your best to be the lighthouse. If you are not familiar look up the lighthouse story. Otherwise be the stable parent . Good luck on your journey!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Been ghosting the boards a while before posting. Reading threads, it was for me weirdly comforting too that I wasnt the only one. Like everyone keeps saying, you can only control your actions. Its a weird sort of acceptance, almost like learned helplessness. The gate is unlocked, but we keep it closed...
I think some of her stuff is classic as well. She's made up her mind that I'm the source of all of her unhappyness... if she gets rid of me, she'll be happy... I'm sure she wont. Her mother did the exact same thing and lives in a depressed sorry state. You do just want to shake them and tell them to wake up... I'm sure she'll be unhappy afterwards as well. The angry part of me wants to tell her that if we do end up D.
Problem is the kids and I will be unhappy as well... All the more reason to work on myself and GAL. This isnt a dress rehersal, and the show will go on...
I think some of her stuff is classic as well. She's made up her mind that I'm the source of all of her unhappyness... if she gets rid of me, she'll be happy... I'm sure she wont. You do just want to shake them and tell them to wake up... I'm sure she'll be unhappy afterwards as well.
Yes it is classic WAS script, transferring the blame. this is exactly what my WAH says too, and it is unfathomable how they do not think of the kids in all this madness. Do not fall for her cake eating trap and if it is like most WWs she will not do anything definite to file for D so learn to love the limbo land. Indulge the kids with extra love, they deserve it all, even if both the WAS and LBS are responsible for the breakdown of the MR, i always look at my children and realize how they are being punished for something they had no role to play in. Stay strong, good luck! - arshi
