I'm Broken II

[bhappy2]

I know I don't deserve to be punished for it for the rest of my life but I get confused as to how much is "enough". I just don't know what's normal, that's what it comes down to.

Of course youre afraid, but its time to put your foot down. You do not deserve to be treated like this, do you not think your children are seeing this? They are learning from your H that if you believe someone has done something wrong to you, you then torment them for as long as they can take it. Your life is worth living and being happy.

We had been talking about Disneyworld before all this happened and the little's keep asking when we're going....I keep wondering if I should give them that memory as a family.

These are tough situations I get that, but you could do this without him. If you cant afford it then guess what the kids will have to wait.

I actually don't communicate with him anymore about anything besides the kids.

As I read your sitch something stuck out to me, he texted you that he misses you and wants to be with you. You jump all over this, why? He is playing with your emotions, do not let him do that.

In relationship past, if H is upset with me, I have always been afraid to "escalate" things because he will always one up me.

What are some of the things he would get upset with you, of course beside the kissing and time with coworker? Who usually would stay mad longer? I read Vanilla post all the time because they deal directly with abuse, and clearly he is doing this.

I love my kids more than anything in this world and I loved my family and I loved my H. Being forced to make these decisions and having to be the one to carry it through even though it's not what I want is like the worst torture. And he will torment me every.step.of.the.way.

The best part is you used past tense when saying you loved your H, so do you love him or the idea of keeping the family together? You are deserving of being treated with respect even after what happened, you apologized enough. If you keep apologizing it will have no effect whatsoever.

It looks like you might live near NYC. If so I will give you plenty of recomendations for fun and inexpensive activities with the kids, make it know that H is welcome to come but if he says no then you go anyway. BTW I just ran a 5K that included a free BBQ and carnival to all the kids... it was great my D23 nd D19 ran with me. They both beat me and I called for a thorough investigation..LOL... great time...I am prob going whitewater rafting this Thursday, looks like fun..

Keep posting, there is no better site on the internet for help.

[bhappy2]

Please put a signature on your thread.

[marina7]

Bhappy,
You say you didn't think H is abusive there is different abuse. After lots of therapy I have been in a emotional abusive relationship and I can say this emotional abuse stays forever and breaks us to ourself esteem is gone. I am a strong business woman and I am now finding myself again W controlled everything and if W didn't get her way hell will break lose so what did I do I gave in to everything. Now I am seeing a little more clear I have removed my blinders. Sometimes we must do the right thing for your insanity.

[bhappy2]

No I clearly stated H is abusive, I understand there are different types of abuse and I believe Helena needs to do more to stop it. Yes we all come here to save our M but we might just really save ourselves. Abuse is abuse whether physical or emotional. Her chldren should not be subjected to this!

[marina7]

Am sorry BHappy I meant to say Helena,

And yes abuse is abuse speaking for myself I remember sitting in therapy and telling my therapist W is not abusive she never hit me. It took time to see I was in an abusive relationship.

[marina7]

When I was typing the first time I meant to write. I agree with you bhappy

[HelenaJ]

Of course youre afraid, but its time to put your foot down.

Do you have specifics of how I can do better or what I should be doing that I'm not?

As I read your sitch something stuck out to me, he texted you that he misses you and wants to be with you. You jump all over this, why? He is playing with your emotions, do not let him do that.

I figured out very quickly that he was playing with my emotions. He's like every other WAS on here, he wants things his way until he starts to miss something and then tries to have things both ways. I never did jump all over it, in fact (at least it seemed to me!!) I squashed it. The specific texts were:
H: I really miss you in my life. But I understand your absence.

Me: You left me. I am not absent. You want a coparent, not a wife. At least with me. And therefore you don't have one. I did not mysteriously become absent.

H: I did not leave you. I just can't ever allow my heart to be crushed like that again.

Me: You did not physically leave me becuase you don't care enough about me to do t hat. You just left me in every other way. And Im actually starting to be ok with it, so just leave me alone. You're only texting me bc you're drunk anyway.

H: Agreed, I am sorry for violating your "don't text me anymore" policy. This is my only channel to express my feelings though.

Me: Unless you're serious about things being different between us than they are, I don't ever want to talk about our relationship with you again.

H: I won't text you anymore. I get it. You have made it very clear.

The next day he texted me:

H: Looking back, I said "agreed" to the fact that I had been drinking not to the fact that I agreed with any of your insane inferences. I am appalled that you would think this is something that I "want". I just wanted to clarify. I don't want to start anything.

Me: K, hope you feel better.

H: Nicely played.

Me: Well, you did call me insane. I'm used to that crap though.

H: I have no ill will towards you by any stretch. I actually had significant dilemma about adding "insane". But it don't matter.

Me: Ok, doesn't matter. Thanks for clarifying crap that doesn't matter.

H: You are so wise. I bow to your ability to crush the hearts you are entrusted with and still remain a victim. You are truly a gallant person. I am sorry that I did absolutely nothing to you. I am such a jerk.

I never responded and that is the last communication we had regarding "us" and that was on May 13th. Coincidentally, Mother's Day.

What are your thoughts on how I handled that? If you have suggestions, I really would love to hear it because I'm sure it will come up again at some point and I need to be prepared.

What are some of the things he would get upset with you, of course beside the kissing and time with coworker? Who usually would stay mad longer?

He would get upset about different stuff and mostly frames it as me "not taking his opinion into consideration". Back when we very first got together, he would get upset if I wore certain jewelry (no sterling silver), listed to certain music (I was really only "safe" to listen to his music), etc. Once my Mom sent me money for xmas to buy myself a jacket that I liked but he didn't. We didn't spend xmas together that year, he would not return my calls. Over the top stuff. He changed as he got older, would get angry about different things....I bought a bureau for the front entrance once and he was very angry, didn't talk to me for days. Once I put some stuff in our shed and he took it all back out. At our old house, I had attic stairs put in and was then able to get in the attic myself and put things away and get them back out and he would get angry about that. One time we were at the mall and he had our son (who was just a toddler) on the second floor and I was on the first floor at the bottom of the escalator. I could see S toddling toward the escalator at what looked to me like a speed faster than what H could get to him...I yelled from the bottom, "H, grab him!" He was very angry with me, told me I acted like an idiot. There are TONS of examples where he has said things or acted in ways that are simply over the top. When he was so angry about the company party thing I had to ask my coworker about it because I didn't trust his reaction to it....he's just over the top, I can't think of any other way to describe it. And it always felt like he stayed mad longer than me...first of all, it was usually him being mad at me, so especially later in our M, I simply just waited for him to come around.

The best part is you used past tense when saying you loved your H, so do you love him or the idea of keeping the family together?

There are definitely things I love ABOUT him. And I would do anything to keep our family together. I will not continue to give away my love to someone who's clearly said we won't be a couple again. I might have self respect issues but even I can see how self defeating that would be.

If you keep apologizing it will have no effect whatsoever.

Exactly. One of the folks here at one point asked where my humility was regarding the mistakes I've made. I've been living in it for years....I've only just recently decided to make steps past it. I know it's hard to see the long term vision of where my R has been, so I don't fault that person for asking that, but I can't keep getting dragged back there. I have to move forward.

I actually don't live near NYC, on the east coast though near VA Beach. Lots of races, beaches, WV is right around the corner with skiing and mountains and white water rafting. Tons of things to do around here, no complaints there. Just need a female friend or two to do them with!

[HelenaJ]

Please put a signature on your thread.

I've struggled with this a bit as I'm not sure what to say. There's been no BD, we are not separated, there was never a ILYBINILWY statement, no PA/EA in our current situation and I don't really know who the WAS is....him for emotionally leaving? Or me for considering physically leaving??

It's all very confusing to me. But I will continue to think about it and come up with something.

[HelenaJ]

Thanks for stopping by my thread Marina. It sounds like you've been through a very emotionally difficult situation. I think it takes time, distance and experience to be able to understand all the things that have happened in a long term R. I have been with H since I was 17 so I don't know anything else, I have no frame of reference. And if we ever separate, I have a feeling I would easier see what others see. But in my current situation, all I know is what I know, and I know it doesn't feel right and it certainly doesn't feel good but I still can't quite label it anything.

[HelenaJ]

Cadet, if you see this post...I saw you mention on another thread that you can get old posts back. How far back can you go? I posted here 14.5 years ago after my indiscretion and I would love to get those threads back.