KML, the psychologist has a PhD and trained with some renowned senior psychologists but still only met my husband for two one-hour sessions so he may not be able to make a diagnosis in such a short time. I wish there could be a more definitive diagnosis. At least it'd help me to be less hurt by my husband's behavior because potentially he's not able to control it without treatment.
I've tried reading a lot about narcissists and sociopaths in the last two years. My husband doesn't quite seem to fit those descriptions. He's good at absorbing criticism and doesn't think too highly of himself since he's normally at the bottom of the class / group in terms of being a physician and also as a new American. He would often say I was smarter or better than him. He tells lies to protect others' feelings but the way he does it is consistent with how the majority of people in his country do it. He could still be a narcissist and I'm just not seeing it but the guy I dated for eight years before my husband had a false sense of grandiosity and callousness for others' feelings that led me to believe he was a narcissist (so I broke it off) whereas my husband in his normal state isn't like that at all. My husband may not have cared about my daughter and for a period of time but he normally is considerate and cares about others' except for when he gets road rage.
I haven't heard of G6PD deficiency but I tried searching it real quick. I know my husband gets neck pain when he's acutely stressed and he's complained of back pain in the past but I'm not sure about the other symptoms. Too bad I'm not in a better position to suggest he get tested. If we ever reconcile or become close enough friends in the future I'll remember this to suggest it. I do know his brother and niece both have moderate or severe anemia of some short, I believe Thalessemia but that's a totally different condition.
There are a lot of non-specific clues. You and others may wonder why I'd ever consider marrying someone like that. The version of my husband that I met in his home country was brave and noble. He was unafraid of Al Queda and supported the US troops and US presence in his country. He worked with Americans knowing the risk to his own life. He went into hospitals and distributed supplies and sometimes would spend his own money to help people who couldn't afford certain drugs or treatment. He would go home from work every day and help his mother who has Parkinson's disease. He was pro-choice and moderate and he was Muslim yet he was interested in Christianity. I don't know. We were just a good fit at that time. He was a handsome guy and helped me to navigate life in a war zone. There were many reasons to believe we had a unique connection. I vetted my husband against a lot of people, met his friends and family, tested him in various ways, and he always passed. Sometimes people just change and we can't anticipate it although I should have known the risk of bringing someone to a whole different culture.
I still wish we could salvage everything we built together as crazy as that sounds, but my husband has to get his own act together before we could even work on the marriage and even then we'd need a lot of third party involvement and years of gradual progress to have anything like a normal marriage.
Nicole sounds like you have a long journey ahead of you. I see you are very intelligent in trying to figure out all the moving parts of the relationship. I hope for your sake and your family that things work out to your benefit. Blessings
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Nicole - I would consider this a BIG wake up call.
Your H issues are just in your M its with life right now.
You now more than ever need a plan for you and your D. You need to get to a place where you are no longer dependent on your H for anything - emotional and financial well being will fall directly upon yourself.
You need to stand tall for yourself and your D. Long hours and commutes will suck but a roof over your head and food in your belly need to take priority. You can do this. It is within you to provide at whatever sacrifice needed for you and your D. It may not seem fair and you may get resentful of those moms who don't have to do it all but trust me you and your D will be better for it. I was essentially a single parent from the get go. I worked a demanding job 40-50hr a week. Did every single night time feeding - every Dr appt, working a full day on 3hr of sleep sometimes and I still managed to carve out significant time with my chid - important time, fun time. Many days it was just spending a longer lunch time at the daycare with my 3 month old, etc. It can be done! He was diagnosed on the autism spectrum disorder at 5yr old. I did every therapy and conselling appt - I missed nothing and was extremely proactive in working with him since the time he was 2. I was exhausted every minute, but I did it. My son is soon to be 17yr old. He is happy and so incredibly independent. He is near genius smart. Has a good group of friends. He will be attending college in 2 years.
I'm not trying to brag about myself but rather set you up that you can do this.. that you need to do this.
Your H may be tempted to move into your apt with you because that is the easiest path for him. Less work for him. You may let him because you reminiscence about your previous life together OR you have hopes for how your future could be.
Nicole - don't let your H move in with you.
Not at this point. Not until he fixes what is wrong with him. If he gets a good job even if its not in medicine - well fantastic. He is better at emotional/financial stability... well maybe. Truth be told the more Hospitals that let him go... they are all talk to each other... the harder it is to find new work. He has to address his own issues.
Truth be told Nicole that if you really stand up to take care of yourself you may not want your H in the end. You may truly see more of his flaws that you don't want to settle for. Don't mistake my speech in standing on your own two feet to mean that you don't co-parent your D. That is a separate issue. You should do everything you can to support any kind of relationship with your H and D - that is important. He may never be the parent that you are but he is still a parent and can bring something to the table that is uniquely his.
This is your wake up call - to be the strong woman that you really are. Nicole I believe you have what it takes to do this. You have to move past your M and your H. Who knows where the future is from this point. I will share a beautiful story which is a true story of how couples can and do reunite in a few days.
Ok Nicole, sounds like you didn't see signs of narcissism or sociopathy before his crisis. That pretty much leaves bipolar or drug addiction as likely explanations for his peculiar behavior in his larger life (which may or may not have anything to do with the marriage).
You mentioned road rage - this can be a depressive sign or could occur with mania. (My ex, who I believe has a mild shadow form of bipolar, became an aggressive driver during his crisis times.) Did he have any signs of depression or mild mania in years past? Is there any history in his family of suicides, psychosis, mania? (I remember my ex's sister, when she was primary caretaker of her four children under age 6, stayed up all night to paint a bathroom. In retrospect, that was SO manic!!).
And what about drugs or alcohol? What was his intake like in the past? Are you aware of any substance abuse issues? How much did he drink? He could well have PTSD from his experiences in his home country and could be self medicating.
Something just isn't adding up. The marriage is one thing - there could be lots of reasons for him to decide marriage no longer suits him. But adding on the lackadaisical attitude towards his work and patients -something is very wrong there.
Not at this point. Not until he fixes what is wrong with him. If he gets a good job even if its not in medicine - well fantastic. He is better at emotional/financial stability... well maybe. Truth be told the more Hospitals that let him go... they are all talk to each other... the harder it is to find new work. He has to address his own issues.
Nicole, this is solid gold advice!! Your heart his going to want to allow this very very much. Don't give in. There is no good that can come of him moving in with you until he has done his work. It will only extend your heartache and pain.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Oh Nicole there is so much wrong with your WAH right now, bailing on his family is just a consequence of his other problems. This is not the time to reconcile, even if he comes back it will be out of desperation not out of wanting to fix his mistakes. If the full time job offers you financial stability the take it without much delay. Having financial independence will give a great sense of stability to you and your D, what your H will offer for family maintenance once he gets a job is just an add on. Time to just take the bull by the horns and live as if there is no help from him emotional or financial. He can get whatever help he needs and fix his own issues, you have enough on your own hands
KitCat, I admire everything you've done for your kids. You have multiple kids as I recall so that's even more impressive. I did move to this city with the intention of working. I was hoping to delay full-time employment until my daughter starts kindergarten next year but I'll try to negotiate a 35 hour work week where I can work-from-home most days to make it manageable. I hope I can do that, otherwise a large portion of my income will go to a nanny for after-school care. I still have to finish up some consulting agreements in the next few weeks so I'll work to get the best offer during that time. Regarding my husband moving in with us, there's nothing to indicate he'd try to do that. He's still living 1,000 miles away in our old city and needs to sell or rent the house. Then, even if he moves up here, his family is an hour away and that's where he's been staying every time he comes. His father cooks his favorite meals and he can stay awake late joking with his brothers just like they're kids again. For sure he'll either live with them or he'll get his own place. I'd love to hear your story as well as your updates!
KML, I was reading that depression commonly co-exists with ADHD. A lot of my husband's behavior seems to be explained by ADHD so if I had to guess, that's his primary issue. Depression could very well be a secondary issue since my husband has diagnosed himself with depression in the past. There's no family history of anything, but when I first met my husband he described how he tried to become a refugee in a nearby country and it didn't work out so when he returned home he became severely depressed until someone helped him find a job at the place where I was working. Then he had a mini-episode a few years after we got married where he got depressed and then got admitted into a degree program and as soon as he got there he was partying and had a brief affair, or almost had a brief affair. That alone wouldn't indicate bi-polar, but then when he moved out and separated the first time 2.5 years ago he was depressed first, as I've written in the past and don't want to bore you, and then suddenly he met this nurse he fell in love with and he started body building. Suddenly he was spending hours at the gym every night, texting this nurse 50 - 100 times per day (I found out later), and he was taking these 'explosive energy' drinks to give him energy to lift weights. He stopped playing with our daughter, ignored me, and started to engage in risky behavior like drivng six hours to Canada one night to visit an old girlfriend and then drove six hours back the next morning. Then when I caught him that day and got mad and he moved out. The same thing happened again this past year. Depression / boredom followed by obsessively building a dream house he can't afford and dating another nurse, whisking her off to Dubai on a luxury trip, all while turning into a raging monster to my daughter and I saying he'll divorce me at all costs. So there's a cycle, but I don't know if it's bi-polar. Some of it may simply be his lack of impulse control and lack of ability to focus on priorities. He neglected his family and his job to build an elaborate house and live out his fantasies with his nurse colleague. That's why to some degree I think it's just ADHD - complete inability to focus. His morals and ethics are also weak.
There's no drug or alcohol use but caffeine has played a big role in fueling this wild lifestyle.
Currently I believe, and hope, that my husband has realized his lifestyle was unsustainable. He may still not recognize that he has a problem and may keep doing the same thing until he loses his medical license or he may decide to fix his life. I think a lot of it depends on whether anyone intervenes and tells him to get his act together. If his father or one of his best friends removed the enabling support they've been providing and told him straight-up that he needs help he'd probably do something. It can't be me and I can't influence his family or friends, so there's nothing I can really do except hope for the best.
I just hope our daughter doesn't inherit a disorder that will be difficult to treat. As a baby she would only sleep for 20 minutes at a time, needed to be held 24 hours per day, and even now she's very sensitive and doesn't sleep well. There's a term called "high needs baby" that fit her behavior. Thankfully she doesn't have autism and she's smart and well-adjusted now, in part due to my giving her undivided attention all these years but I don't know what will happen when I work full-time and she spends the majority of her life at school or with babysitters who may not give her personalized attention.
Sorry to always write so much - I'm still trying to get a grip on everything. My husband was a very very nice man before he first left 2.5 years ago. It's still hard figuring out what happened to that person. Even last summer when he was building this house he designed a special pink bathroom for our daughter, asked me to design the kitchen according to my wishes, and seemed to be planning for our future despite the roommate situation. He thought he had so much disposable income and I kept trying to tell him that wasn't the case. He thought he was earning enough to live the lifestyle of a multi-millionaire and I kept telling him doctors don't make that much. I guess I stood in the way of his dream, but now hopefully he'll see for himself that his dream wasn't realistic. Some of it is simply unrealistic expectations for someone who has no idea how to manage money or function in a society where material wealth is all around you. My husband see's everything he wants and just assumes he can have it because he finally became a doctor. He also see's his single and divorced brothers and friends dating easy, scantily dressed women so the temptation is too great to resist - why live at home with one boring average-looking wife and a crying baby when he can go out and have all the women he wants easily and without commitment? I don't think it's just bi-polar or ADHD alone, I think he's living the American dream and a fantasy based on movies and music videos. Unfortunately he had to destroy my life and our daughter's life in the process of realizing this dream and it appears to all be crashing down. We'll see what happens next.
Steve85, just in case you don't want to read that novel, yes, my husband won't be moving in. It's not even an idea I'm considering because he'll live with his family if he moves up this way.
Spelling correction - I don't know why I keep spelling 'see's' wrong! It's like my hands add the apostrophe on auto-pilot. It should just be 'sees' for any of you English majors out there.
A lot of my husband's behavior seems to be explained by ADHD so if I had to guess, that's his primary issue.
ADHD doesn't explain leaving the hospital when you're supposed to be working to run "errands", especially after you've been warned.
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That alone wouldn't indicate bi-polar, but then when he moved out and separated the first time 2.5 years ago he was depressed first, as I've written in the past and don't want to bore you, and then suddenly he met this nurse he fell in love with and he started body building. Suddenly he was spending hours at the gym every night, texting this nurse 50 - 100 times per day (I found out later), and he was taking these 'explosive energy' drinks to give him energy to lift weights. He stopped playing with our daughter, ignored me, and started to engage in risky behavior like drivng six hours to Canada one night to visit an old girlfriend and then drove six hours back the next morning.
This sounds manic and if he was bodybuilding he may have been/may be abusing steroids. Also those energy drinks may trigger manic behavior in a susceptible person.
You have little control but you might try gently suggesting to him that you see erratic behavior and hope he gets some help, and mention the possibility of bipolar or addiction. He won't likely admit anything to you but it may plant a seed.
KML, yeah there's no one explanation that seems to cover all of my husband's actions. I never found evidence of steroids but I guess it's a remote possibility if he was really good at hiding them. We lived together in a small apartment and shared a car at that time so it seems like I would have found something at some point. I've spoken with my husband in the past about getting treatment for his addictive / compulsive / depressive behaviors. He would say yes he knows he needs help but he doesn't want anything on his record that would affect his career, he's too busy, or he will do it later. I'll see if I have an opportunity to mention it again - he's supposed to come tomorrow for a week although he'll stay at his family's house and just visit here. I'll keep you all posted. Thanks again.
