Today has been ok but a couple of things are getting me down.
I seem to have hurt my wrist climbing on Sunday and have some residual thumb numbness and wrist pain - afraid it might be carpal tunnel. Not being able to climb for an extended time would put a crimp in my goals and my GAL.
Also, I checked the shared bank account today and the W spent another 1,200 on her credit card this month - 3,000 in the last 3 months. That is certainly not obscene, but I have no clue what she is spending it on - I guess its none of my business, but it is our shared money. My impulse is to ask her about it since she makes less than 2 grand a month, this kind of spending is not sustainable once she gets her own place. But, I also recognize that this impulse comes from a) my own frugality and b) residual desire to control her behavior. I feel like asking her about it would just feel like more control to her and push her further away. Again, she is not acting crazy at all, and this is hardly a spending spree at Tiffanys.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/05/1809:20 AM. Reason: Link
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I am a lot like you. I am very frugal by nature, and my wife is more spend thrift. $1200 a month seems excessive to me. However, you did mention a key phrase: on her credit card. Is this a joint card or is her card solely? If it is a joint card then you have every right to ask about it, and even to check out the charges online.
If it is her card solely, then just let it be.
My wife accused me of being controlling with spending on BD. And there was a bit of truth to it. I 180'd on it, however if I were to see excessive spending I would at least ask her about it, in a non-controlling, non-accusatory, and non-threatening manner.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The card is hers. She has stopped spending on our joint cards. (of course all the bills of our house where she lives are paid on the joint cards).
But the payment comes off out of our joint checking account.
I think I am probably going to let it lie for now. It seems really excessive to me, but maybe she is buying tickets to go home and visit family again. I just don't know.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
The card is hers. She has stopped spending on our joint cards. (of course all the bills of our house where she lives are paid on the joint cards).
But the payment comes off out of our joint checking account.
I think I am probably going to let it lie for now. It seems really excessive to me, but maybe she is buying tickets to go home and visit family again. I just don't know.
if it is out of the ordinary I would at least discuss it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I really don't want to bring this up when I am packing up and saying goodbye on Saturday. I want that to be light and positive.
Should I do it now (before Saturday) or wait until I am on the road?
Also, what is an "integral fin" arrangement?
Our financial situation is really good as we have both been very frugal in the past and our mortgage is really cheap (small place bought at the right time). I am a teacher so I don't make that much, and my wife makes less, but with no kids it has been easy to save. If we were to split our joint accounts W would have plenty more money to spend if she wanted to even though she doesnt make that much.
We had originally agreed to let each other know if we were going to spend more than a couple hundred dollars on anything. I can't imagine how she could spend that much money without getting something more expensive.
I really dont want to push to separate our accounts, or look controlling.
"W, can we talk about finances for a moment?" "Last month you spent 1,300 dollars on your credit card, and have spent 3,000 in the last 3 months. I am just wondering if that is temporary because it seems unsustainably high given how much money you are making."
"Can we come to an agreement about spending?"
I definitely need some help with this conversation as I feel like I am just going to fall back into controlling, judgemental behavior.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
D - When my W moved out we sat down at the kitchen table and discussed a financial arrangement. What bills each of us would pay for and additional money I would give her each month because I make 3 times what she makes. I did not want to control her with money which is why I gave her money each month so she could live. If she wanted out then lets sit down and see how we can make this happen. I also told her she needed to open her own checking/saving account and have her pay checks auto deposited. We split our savings account in 1/2 and I took away the credit card from her that was in my name that has a very large limit on it. She then opened one up in her own name with a small limit on it so she could use in emergencies.
I know you are not going to want to do this but you need to protect yourself financially first and you may need to make this happen before you leave town. You can have the conversation, and she can agree to it but there is nothing stopping her from not following through once you leave.
To me it is a matter of trust and personally I don't think you can do it especially with you being out of town for so long.
My W already has a credit card in her own name. That is what she is making nearly all of her purchases on. That's easy.
I am loathe to make her open up her own account and deposit her paycheck there. I feel like this is just pushing her further away. We still share phone bills, gym bills, netflix, you name it and we share it.
Perhaps this is naivete, and I am prepared for 2x4s galore - but despite BD, despite this spending, I trust W. I trust her not to go crazy with money.
Do I offer to pay her money each month so she can live on her own comfortably? I am a teacher and don't make that much, but I could afford to give her a couple hundred dollars a month. But wouldn't that be just another form of pressure?
Man, I am confused with this stuff.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
It's a dice roll and ultimately your call...and you are already having concerns about her spending. I gave my wife money because I did not want her to stay just because of money. That was controlling to me....
