Battling cancer while dealing with MLC

[Gerda]

River, I can imagine how hurt you must feel reading that e-mail.

But I would encourage you to take it with some joy. Oftentimes tragedies or life crises have brought my H around a little, they force some connection, awaken some long-dead feeling.

I think you can safely say he is reaching out to you in the best way he knows how, even though he clearly doesn't know how. He is feeling connected to you through the dog, and knows that you are the only other person who could understand that grief.

The other night, at my S13's birthday, my H was so freaked out at the arrival of my sister-in-law, that he announced he was getting a corkscrew from the car and NEVER CAME BACK. He came back like two hours later and sent me a bunch of nasty texts while he was gone. Their minds do not work!

I think that considering that your MLCer is that screwed up that he couldn't care about you while you had cancer (mine similar), then you can feel that this communication is a huge act of courage on his part.

I know that on these boards, people may encourage you to stay dark. But my take is to love unconditionally, no matter how awful they are. I would thank him for letting you know, remember something special about your dog that he would remember too, even thank him for being with her in her final hours and showing her love. I think that a response like this (offered with no expectation) will bring you a lot more peace than any other or than not responding at all. I have found this to be true in my sitch, now on year five, cancer in year two.

Lots of love to you, healing of body and of heart!

[kml]

Now that you have his contact information, maybe you can ask him to divorce you so you can file for disability benefits and medicaid.

It's complete BS and so weird that he would send you that but who knows what goes through their pea brains.

[HaWho]

In addition to the script and a lot of common behavioral patterns (confusion, replay, etc.), I *think* another common denominator for MLCers is a very real fear of sickness and aging.

You don't owe him an answer. It's clear he can't see beyond the length of his own nose. But, I agree with KML, focus on how you can best protect yourself.

[Gerda]

River, I just wanted to add that I did not remember from your sitch that his not divorcing you is preventing you from receiving health benefits. I do not know how to advise you on the practical stuff as I have not been through that and don't know how it works or the best way to ensure that you are protected. I thought you were just asking about whether or not to respond from the emotional side of things.

XO

[Kyh]

River, I am sorry to hear about your dog and how h is acting. You might research displacement. Bear in mind I am completely inept to determine something like that but it seems like it may fit and may help explain the wackiness.

Regardless keep the focus on you and take care of yourself.

[river10]

Thanks for all the replies, they are so very appreciated.

I have health insurance through the state and I have been denied multiple times for disability, but the lawyer said my marital status did not have any bearing. I'm just not "sick" enough according to SSDI. I have long given up on the hope that he will be financially responsible or helpful in any way.

I was questioning if he was even in MLC, but this email seems to lean heavily towards it. I have been fighting cancer for over a year, haven't heard from him, and he's left me to fend for myself financially, but then sends me an email to say he's in the process of trying to decide if he should make the final decision to put the dog down.

Why not wait until the decision is made, instead of telling me now when I'm 1000 miles away and all I can do is feel helpless and sad. I can't see the dog, I can't participate in the decision making process. All he's done by telling me this is make me upset.

After not even getting a "How are you feeling?" for over a year while I have gone through 4 rounds of chemo, surgery, radiation and now more chemo, am I supposed to rush to comfort him while he deals with the dog, who he took 1000 miles away from me by HIS choice while I had no say in the matter.

I have a program I use for some freelance work that tells me when emails are read. I know that he never even opened the last email I sent him for 7 months. He finally read it in mid-May but never responded. (It was just a short email telling him I was thinking of him and his family on the anniversary of his father's death.) Now I see that yesterday he actually read it again. So he's definitely checking his email again, rereading my previous emails to him, and probably expected an immediate response from me because he knows how much I love my dog.

This man walked out on me 3 years ago, left me to fend for myself financially and only engaged in intermittent vague/casual banter, which changed to absolutely nothing and him changing his phone number when I got sick with cancer.

I have just reread my past few emails to him, because I know he's reread them as well. They spell everything out pretty clearly and even an MLCer can see the trajectory of all of this. Multiple times I asked him to honor the financial agreement and told him I would like to have the dog back. He never came through and now the dog is dying and I'm devastated that I have no chance of seeing him to say goodbye.

[JujuB]

It doesnt matter what title you give him.

His behavior is really really selfish and irresponsible and callous amd sociopathic

I think he knows how bad it makes HIM look if someone was to see that he was even capable of leaving his sick wife. Thats why he is pretending you dont exist. You are dorian greys picture. You are a reminder of who he is. What he is capable of. People will ask questions. It is easier for him to have you just disappear and start anew.

I 100 percent disagree with gerda. I dont believe adults abusers deserve unconditional love. I think children do. I think a child and teenagers well being should be first priority. Their well being should not be at the expense of an abuser..oh excuse me. And mlcer.
I think its silly to project romantic notions on the suffering of mlcers.

I think your instincts in your post talking about his feelings over the dog is pretty accurate. He is a narcissist.
I think it will be easier for you to cope once you understand that he is empty inside. He is not capable of normal human compassion and empathy, so questioning his actions and responses just opens up the doors for projection.

Its really about finding joy and interests in yoir own presence and existance and ketting his go.

[Gerda]

JujuB, I totally get and respect that you disagree, most people around these parts do. My outlook is based on staying close to Christ and I know it sounds very radical if you are not guided by that same thing. Of course none of our MLCers deserve mercy, forgiveness, kindness, etc. And our offering those things may not change anything about them. I give those things when I am able to not to change my H or my circumstances but out of obedience to God, and it's often against my own will that I do it. But in doing so, I have found a freedom from the slavery of anger, bitterness and even some the suffering. I do it for God but in return He gives me a peace I have not found any other way. I think going dark can be a very loving act, and very necessary, don't get me wrong. But when an encounter occurs for whatever reason, there is a huge freedom, joy and peace in loving your enemy, even if you used to call him your H and especially when he destroyed your life. I know that that sounds crazy if you don't have the same belief, but I want to make sure it was clear that I didn't write those things above with the idea that it will change anything in River's MLCer. My MLCer also doesn't deserve any kindness, he deserves severe punishment! But my faith in God tells me that's when giving love and trying to forgive helps me stay closer to God; and when I do it, that's exactly what happens, I feel a huge comforting presence settle in my heart. That hasn't changed my H yet, I am on year five. But more convinced than ever that it's the only path toward freedom for myself, no matter what my H does. So I stick by my post above! Hugs to you both!

[Gerda]

River,I am so sorry about your dog. The feeling of loss alongside cancer is so intense, I totally understand what you are feeling. I wish you could say goodbye to your dog and get to act on the love you feel. Sending you a big big hug.

[JujuB]

Gerda, i am not yet familiar with your sitch. I am not saying that we cannot act without faith or love or good will. If forgiveness eases your heart i am all for it!

I am saying that it is dangerous to project our ways of love onto people that have done great wrongs and have prooved time and time again through their actions amd words that they are dishonorable, liars, Thieves. Willing to put our physical amd financial futures at risk, etc. Etc.

How do you know that a tragedy awakens long lost dead feelings or the desire to connect? That might be how you feel. But not necessarily how a wayward spouse feels. Sure that woukd be nice if they did. But a bit delusional and not really fair of us to make speculations.

I think projections like that can lead to a false and unrealistic hope. Especially if they perpetuate staying in a toxic situation or allowing ones self to be taken advantage of.

We can sit there and say similar things about jeffrey dahmer. Talk about his foo issues. But He was a sociopath!! Look at his actions. Thats enough to know...stay the heck away. Why would anyone want any more?

These guys are lacking. Same premise. Protect yourself and your kids.