I'm not offering any special emotional support but I also don't want my husband to commit suicide so I'm being as nice as possible.
Nicole, I understand your concern. But here is the thing, you have no control over that. HE has caused the separation. HE has caused his current circumstances. HE can choose how to handle what HE created.
Nicole, you know him better than I do, so when I say I think there is a small chance of him committing suicide I say that out of normal statistical probabilities. But please understand one thing:
IF HE WERE TO COMMIT SUICIDE IT WOULD NOT BE IN ANY WAY SHAPE NOR FORM, YOUR FAULT. WOULD NOT!
I say that because as a victim of suicide in my life, it is easy to blame yourself. But unless you have participated in the suicide, assisted in some way, it is NEVER the left behind's fault. And in your sitch there is no way you should be blaming yourself if that were to occur.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve. I hear what you're saying and I recognize the truth in it. I don't want to exacerbate my husband's stress level but yes he did this to himself and he didn't care one bit about the level of stress he caused me. Whatever happens, I did apologize for all of my wrongdoings in a sincere way, I moved on with my life to relieve my husband of any pressure, and I take 100% care of our daughter so he's had no burden from her whatsoever. I guess that's all I can do.
KML, he didn't give any specifics but I know he was on probation and received several warnings. He's been doing things like keeping his patients waiting, leaving the hospital to go to errands and having the physicians' assistants do the work, and probably generally not having a good work ethic. I'm not sure but my guess is he had overall poor performance rather than any one incident.
Hmmmm.....continuing to do those things even after being put on probation - what do you think that's about?
I mean - this is not an ordinary job. A physician has worked so hard and so long to get there that it would be unusual for them to continue to do such things after being warned. So one has to wonder, is there an underlying drug addiction or mental illness?
I agree with KML, that seems super strange that he wouldn't take steps to correct the issues at work before it got this far. I'm a CPA which is nowhere near what it takes to be a physician and I can't IMAGINE letting anything happen to my reputation or my certification.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
I just don't know. I've been trying to understand what's wrong with my husband for years. He was almost kicked out of his residency program for similar reasons (also while he separated and was dating a nurse). He barely passed his exams. He's always been an underachiever and he's only really motivated about things that interest him like cars, clothing, home design, etc.. He has no interest in being a physician. His father made him do it and he continued on the path because he thought he'd make good money. I've always encouraged him to do what makes him happy like be a car salesman but he felt he had to be a physician.
My husband definitely has severe ADHD that's never been treated. That's a certainty. He also has depressive episodes and some signs of manic episodes although since the psychologist told me he doesn't think my husband is bipolar I'm not qualified to diagnose him with that.
My friends who are physicians usually comment that my husband is immature, not ready to grow up, or they don't know what to say at all. In some ways my husband is just ill-equipped for life here in the US. He was a student living with his parents for most of the time in his home country. He never had any responsibility. Then when he came to the US he lived with me and stayed at home studying while I worked and managed everything. Then when he started residency and we had our daughter during his first year as a resident it seems he collapsed under pressure. Suddenly he had responsibility and he couldn't handle the stress. It's like he regressed to being a teenager just wanting to date easy women, go out, have fun, and live a carefree life.
Like many people from developing countries my husband dreamed to make a lot of money and live a life of luxury here in the US. He didn't want to listen when I told him that even doctors don't really make that much money (unless they're specialists like an orthopedic surgeon).
Unless my husband is willing to recognize that he has a problem and work to fix his life I don't see much hope. I'm sorry for all of us here who are dealing with unstable spouses who went off the deep end.
Your H has a lot of unresolved issues, starting with living in an unstable home country, living up to his parents expectations, thinking he missed out on life, not taking on responsibility with his family and work, and so on.
These won't be resolved by himself and he needs to seek professional help. If he doesn't, then I don't see things getting better for him. Having those unfair expectations about living a large life and then realizing that it was all a pipe dream can be shocking. Some people use that as a reality check and work harder and get a grip on their lives. For some, it ends up with depression and blaming everybody and everything else. Looks like he's in the latter camp.
Now that you're settled and making a life for you and D, just focus on that and hopefully he can come to his senses and get help. Mental health is such a taboo, but it is so needed as part of your self-care. As you said, you can't push him in this direction and he's gotta do it himself.
The psychologist may or may not have been qualified to make a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. It sounds like that definitely might be a possibility. I remember a med school classmate who suffered a manic episode - he went to the Dean's office and insisted he should be given his degree because he already knew everything.
Then again, your H may just be an entitled narcissist. It might be useful for you to read a book about narcissists and see if it fits. Or maybe read The Sociopath Next Door.
Btw - he should be checked for G6PD deficiency. Depending on where in the Middle East he comes from and which ethnic group he belongs to, his risk of carrying this mutation may be as high as 5-10%, and rare reports have suggested a possible connection with psychosis or bipolar in some patients.
