I definitely did not dodge your questions. I guess i read too fast and respond fast which is one reason at times i dont get to the point straight. Could be my flaws as well.
Well i do see an IC once in a while. He has checked me for depression and anxiety issues and he also assured i have none of the narcissistic / borderline traits. I have no hard time accepting others advice. In fact i have been following sandi2 and few others including you and have adhered to advices. That is not the point here. And i do admit my fault. I was just explaining why and hence had to put my wife in the mix. SSM and trust - these issues are largely contributed by me. and I am agreeing to it. I will update this post as and when i have new info.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Do not confuse DB detaching with distancing. In your particular situation, I think perhaps your W felt that you were emotionally disconnected.....or distant. Therefore, don't give the impression that you are cold, sullen, or angry. You can talk with her, conduct yourself in a polite, friendly manner. DB detaching means that you mentally detach from the emotional drama. Some H's become obsessed about the W and how to save their MR.......and it takes over their ability to think wisely. If you are too emotionally attached after the bomb drop, you will display unattractive qualities in a man.
Sandi2 - This above quote is an excellent piece of advice. Note that you point out "In your particular situation" and you give a slightly emotional connect based advice. I think apart from your standard 37 rules that you have listed in this forum, you should mention some pointers to LBH where their WAW has simply left due to broken heart situation or depression. From what I understand, Wyoung and I are in very similar situations. Both our wives are upset with their spouses, self destructing and not seeking an affair. Just like Wyong's wife , my wife's love tank has gone empty too and shut down pretty much all lines of communcation. How do we ever emotionally connect to them without us reaching out to them?
Nutcrac, you are one stubborn dude! You are going to keep on until you get the answer you want, aren't you? LOL
The problem is you have no idea of the real reasons your W left. You have words and one of sandi's rules is BELIEVE NOTHING THEY SAY. The WAW RARELY RARELY RARELY says whats true. There are hundreds of reasons why they do this. To let you down easy. To spare your feelings. To make things go away faster. To end the current conversation. Because their culture says you show respect even when you don't want to. ETC ETC ETC
But sandi gave you the answer in the quote: "DB detaching means that you mentally detach from the emotional drama. Some H's become obsessed about the W and how to save their MR.......and it takes over their ability to think wisely. If you are too emotionally attached after the bomb drop, you will display unattractive qualities in a man."
And yes trying to reconnect with a WAW IS unattactive.
Ok I give up. You are right. I dont want to argue on this matter. All i am saying is there has to be some form of a communication connect with the WAW. Else my wife thinks, I have moved on and become emotionally distant. That is not acheived by keeping NC or going dark. Again I want to say communication = limited NC.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Else my wife thinks, I have moved on and become emotionally distant.
Relevant Rules from Sandi's 37 -
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
32. Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
---------------------------------- Actually glad I am posting this. It is reminding me of shortcomings with the 37 rules i can improve on myself.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Again you are using detached and distant interchangeably. And your W has already said she wants nothing to do with you. Why would you initiate conversation? Also I think you have the wrong idea of NC and dark. It isn't that you don't respond, you don't initiate.
YOU ARE THE LIGHTHOUSE. Ships come to you, you do not go to them. Your WAW thinking you've moved on is the only chance you have at getting her back. Pursuit. Pressure. Showing up at he place with sweets pushes her farther away.
Nuf said.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Again you are using detached and distant interchangeably. And your W has already said she wants nothing to do with you. Why would you initiate conversation? Also I think you have the wrong idea of NC and dark. It isn't that you don't respond, you don't initiate.
YOU ARE THE LIGHTHOUSE. Ships come to you, you do not go to them. Your WAW thinking you've moved on is the only chance you have at getting her back. Pursuit. Pressure. Showing up at he place with sweets pushes her farther away.
Nuf said.
Steve85 - This is esactly what I am talking about. She will never come if I don't have the emotional connect with her. She feels i am cold, sullen and distant. Look at Sandi2's post. Not everything WAW says can't be beleived. I am of course detached. What a strong man does? He offers extends his hand (Not begging pleading or chasing). If she says no. Walks away. And keep that emotional connect once in a while so that my wife knows that I still value her. At least I know my wife. In my case, she already is thinking in her mind - I have moved on and there is no point in waiting for him. Right now, I am giving a signal to her indirectly communicating that I have the ability to move ON, however I can wait for you if you decide to change your mind. My wait is under my control.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
OrangeK - Again, Sandi2 says, you don't need to apply all the rules if they are not pertaining to your situation.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Ok, literally every time i have offered advice or opinions you flat out dismiss them, without even attempting to engage in a meaningful back and forth dialogue. Best of luck NC.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
Sandi2 and others - I wanted to specifically understand and elaborate this rule from your prespective. I know that this is a situation where some depressed, broken heart WAWs take it otherwise. They simply want you to move on so they can happily go about what they wish to do in their next phase of life. I feel the WAW should not get too much of a hint that we have 100% moved on. They should get an impression, that we have the ability to move on and we will be ok, but if they wish to come back, we still can allow them. Any suggestions?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Ok, literally every time i have offered advice or opinions you flat out dismiss them, without even attempting to engage in a meaningful back and forth dialogue. Best of luck NC.
Orange K - lol! I like your fervor. I have posted some thoughts on one of the rules above. Not shutting down anyone. Feel free to give your thoughts. Stand in mine or Wyoung shoes and view our situation from our perspective.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
Sandi2 and others - I wanted to specifically understand and elaborate this rule from your prespective. I know that this is a situation where some depressed, broken heart WAWs take it otherwise. They simply want you to move on so they can happily go about what they wish to do in their next phase of life. I feel the WAW should not get too much of a hint that we have 100% moved on. They should get an impression, that we have the ability to move on and we will be ok, but if they wish to come back, we still can allow them. Any suggestions?
My suggestion. STOP READING INTO THE RULES THINGS YOU WANT TO BE THERE!
She won't believe you have REALLY moved on unless she believes you have 100% moved on! This is a ridiculous question.
"Does my W believe I really love her if I only love her 80%?"
"Am I still a man if I am only a man 90%?"
"Will my WAW comeback if she thinks I've only moved on 75%?"
LOL
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
You are going to keep on until you get the answer you want, aren't you? LOL