Husband left for the second time - 5

[HelenaJ]

Are others here still wearing their wedding rings? When my husband asked for a divorce in January and then took his girlfriend to Dubai I stopped wearing mine. It felt like the right thing to do. On the other hand, I don't want to falsely advertise that I'm single when I'm still married.

Hi Nicole, my H hasn't worn his in 4.5 years so I finally took mine off and gave them back to him. Then I felt worried about it looking like I was putting myself out as single and like Arshi said I also didn't want to have to ask questions. So I bought an Enso rose gold band. It symbolizes that I'm married but that's it.

I also did some research on the Madonna/Whore complex. I wanted to look into it bc H never wanted sex with me when I was pregnant. Maybe some men simply aren't attracted to pregnant women and that's all there is to it. But I found it an interesting topic nonetheless.

[NicoleR]

Neffer, I hope so too.

KML, sure, I do see the difference. Unfortunately I never fell in love with a guy like the one Ginger's dating. I fell in love with my husband who turned out to be like this. I'm not sure if it's bad luck (there was no sign before marriage that he didn't want kids - he wanted two) or my own bad judgment. Anyway now I'm facing the consequences.

HelenaJ, that sounds like a good decision regarding the gold band. That's what I always wore as well. I do wonder about why some men are the way they are. There are so many theories but I guess in some cases in social science we'll never truly understand.

[NicoleR]

All, I really need input from anyone who's reading. I don't have much time to write but my husband called on Friday and said he was terminated by his employer. They agreed to call it a resignation but clearly it was based on unspecified performance problems. There's no severance pay. Just half a paycheck.

My husband must have called me immediately after it happened because he was still in shock. He said he'd look for temporary work while he finds a new job. He said it takes a few months to get credentialed at any new hospital.

I didn't hear from my husband again on Friday and yesterday he called twice but I was with my family. I don't know yet if he'll even be able to pay anything towards our costs in the coming month.

I'm fortunate in the sense that I have the option to switch to a full-time salaried position with one of my employers right away if needed, but due to the commute times in this area it basically means being away from my daughter from 8:00 AM until 6:00 PM on most weekdays. I know this is reality for many parents but it'll be a hard transition for us. I didn't my daughter to pay the price for my husband's bad actions.

Anyway the important point here is that if my husband doesn't wake up now, I don't think he ever will. If I were him I'd be thinking, "I lost my job. I lost my family. I'm living alone in a big house I can't afford and I mindlessly spent all the money I had. Maybe it's time to fix my life."

If he doesn't see that he has a problem then I don't know what hope there will be. As I understand, it's not that common for physicians to get fired. If it happened once it could happen again, so I'm thinking it's better to be completely self-reliant financially although I'll never be able offer my daughter the same quality of life as if my husband and I were both working ad living together.

I want to ask my husband questions about what he's planning and make suggestions but given everything else happening I'm thinking to just consider him to be no one in my life at the moment and start working full time.

On the other hand, my husband may find a new job quickly and I may be able to keep working part-time and spending more time with our daughter.

It's a tough choice. What do you all think?

I don't think it'll be constructive to say what a bad person my husband is or how things he's said or done are bad. It'd be most helpful to determine how to figure out the best way to proceed.

I'd appreciate any input. Thanks in advance!

[kml]

Thank god you have the option of a good full time job - many women would not be in such s good position.

First of all - have you done the math? Compared to freelancing and working from home, does this new job truly pay better when you include the increased child care costs? Does it include benefits especially medical coverage?

If the answer is yes, I would take the job.

I know it will be very difficult but not as difficult as falling into financial ruin. In fact I suggest you also consult an attorney just to find out what your options are for protecting yourself financially. After all, you have the debt of a house which is not in salable condition and presumably has no equity.

As for why he got fired - he's an anesthesiologist isn't he?

Reasons for sudden termination of a physician like that might include:
- drug addiction (a bit of an occupational hazard in anesthesia)

- moral charges - sexual harassment, inappropriate behavior with a patient, or breaking company rules about dating somebody who works directly under you

- gross negligence - making bad medical mistakes that result in harm to patients

- unreliability - if he's just not showing up on time for shifts etc.

Generally an abrupt termination like that is for something bad that the hospital feels could cause a liability to them; otherwise it would be more like an ordinary job loss.

He probably will get another job elsewhere eventually but if he doesn't deal with whatever got him in trouble this time he will continue to have employment problems. I would make your own employment decisions assuming he may not be regularly employed.

Also - re:health insurance: if he and you were insured through his employer, you have only thirty days to either COBRA that insurance or find a new individual plan. I'd get on the right away since even if your new job offers benefits there's often a waiting period like 3 or 6 months. Don't let yourself go uninsured.

[kml]

And btw I was only comparing your H to Ginger's date to remind you how abnormal your H's attitude was and that there are good men out there.

[Davide]

Nicole,

I am sorry to hear about that. Not having that financial support and backing to take care of your D must be scary.

I have to agree with kml, you need to take care of yourself and your D. Getting a full-time job with benefits seems like a necessity given the situation - the health insurance is a huge issue. I would get on that right away.

I dont remember the exacts of your sitch, but did you have a support agreement with your H? He has a responsibility to help support your D regardless of his situation.

[HelenaJ]

Wow Nicole, that sure is an unexpected change of events! I agree with what others have said, if the numbers make sense I would take the job and become self reliant financially no matter what your H does. You can always go back to part time later if things work out favorably. Personally I would not offer any emotional support, as I see it this is part of taking responsibility for the choices he has made. I feel bad for how it will impact your D and the amount of time you get to spend with her. It will be a difficult transition like you said, but those are pretty typical hours for a full time working Mom and someday she will look back and be proud of how you stepped up to provide and take care of her. These are the moments that define us my friend. Hugs.

[NicoleR]

KML, Davide, and HelenaJ, thanks so much. I'm considering everything you all wrote. The math doesn't totally work out. Ideally I'd put my daughter in school for six hours and then a nanny would pick her up and bring her home to play with her until whenever I get home. The school charges a dollar per minute when you're late and there's a high chance of being late on any given day so a nanny would be much better, but then the total cost of school plus nanny would be over $2,500 per month which offsets a lot of the full-time income. We do need health insurance one way or another but the current insurance we have isn't that great when you're out-of-state, which we are, so we probably need to switch anyway. We're not in a position to be uninsured - there've been times in the past when I've paid $1,000 per month out-of-pocket for individual insurance just to avoid the risk of being uninsured. There are options for health insurance with or without a full-time position but it's expensive either way.

I'm not offering any special emotional support but I also don't want my husband to commit suicide so I'm being as nice as possible. Today my husband called and it was clear he's affected by the situation. He could barely talk and was choking up. He said he's looking for any job and he'll still find a way to pay our expenses although I'm not sure if that's the case.

There's a lot I wish to say to my husband to help him navigate his next steps but sadly I can't say anything. I have to just protect my daughter and myself while my husband figures out his own path.

This would be a good time for my husband to move to the state where we currently live but he said he already started applying for jobs here in the past month and hasn't heard back on anything yet. I find that hard to believe considering physicians usually get jobs easily, but perhaps he'll search more extensively now.

I guess at the end-of-the-day this is all my fault for marrying someone from overseas and sponsoring him to come here. There's just too much risk. I was in my 20's and didn't really care at the time. I figured at minimum I was helping a good person to escape a war and at best we'd have a wonderful life together each helping each other to fulfill our dreams. We were so close to that happening. It's too bad my husband chose a path that not only destroyed our lives (my daughter and I) but now his own life is destroyed as well.

I just wish there was someone who could explain everything and say "I've seen this happen and here's what the outcome will be." I believe the most likely outcome is my husband will continue to make these mistakes and I'll raise my daughter alone, struggling financially as I start over, and maybe if I'm really lucky I'll meet someone new in ten years. I wish, however, there's that small chance that my husband will realize what he's done and work to fix it. The best chance for that would have been this weekend, as he absorbs the news that he's been fired, but even when he was upset on the phone today there was still no apology or mention of wanting to fix everything.

[neffer]

I am very sorry for your sitch Nicole. Just do the maths and ask for legal advice as kml says. Your H must answer for his responsabilities. I know it is hard but try to stay calm and be patient. Your D needs you to be in a healthy state of mind. You have been doing well.

Sending you strength. Be strong Nicole.

[NicoleR]

Thanks Neffer. I really appreciate it. I'm doing ok since I look at it this way - if I hadn't moved to this city and started working things would be a lot worse right now.