Is there hope? Part 2

[scoobs7]

So we went to the theatre last night. While driving there, the W says i have to pay toeards transfering one of the cars to her. I say no, so she starts off again, with the kids in the car. D12 ask us to stop, so i say ill pay towards it, to shut W up.

Then this morning, i remember she saves money for xmas, so i ask her for half of it, as it is only fair. Boom, she goes mental, she goes at everything and i cant hold back either. This goes on for about 15 minutes. She pushes me and tries to accuse me of being agressive, but i stepped back and she came towards me. I just didnt move back from my stance. She is threatening to see a lawyer as she was leaving.

She was also saying she cannot stand being in the house with me and dreads coming home, so she goes to OM house.

Dont know why, i stay out of her way, im pleasant, i play with the kids, i cook food for both of us. If im downstairs, she stays in her room, but she could go upstairs with S10. But she doesnt. If im upstairs, she watch tv with d12. She has not been bying food for the house, which was agreed.

She said that i had controlled her for 14 years and now that she is standing up to me, that i dont like it. Dont know how i was controlling, she was in charge of all the finances, holidays and other stuff and fads she went through. I worked full time while she stayed in thd house and brought up the kids..

She says she is moving out in a week, im quite looking forward to her going.

Its all doing my head in.

[scoobs7]

I also did something a bit stupid. She was demanding half of everything, so i went and got a saw from the garage and asked her which half of the sofa she wanted.

Not good.

[Gerda]

Scoobs, I am laughing my arse off about the saw. Yeah, it's not a good DB move but that is funny, especially in our MLC LBS world. I might have to use that one some day in a story.

Listen, Scoobs, STOP beating up on my friend Scoobs! You are so hard on yourself! Your W is destroying your family and going to see another man. No human being could bear that. I don't know how you actually bear it without God helping you along. You must have super human strength.

I totally understand your desire to answer her, to vindicate yourself. We all do it, and when we aren't doing it, we are wanting to do it and biting our tongues hard enough to leave a mark. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THAT.

The thing that you will learn is a confidence in yourself and your choices that will allow you not to answer, not to explain yourself. Because I am a Christian, I have a lot of convenient strategies for this! As just one example, I can remember Christ being silent in front of Pilate or just saying, "So you have said." I remember that and then I am able to be silent. Gordie is a master at active listening and I am learning from him, but mostly I just try to remember that I don't need to justify myself, something that is much easier to do when you are thinking of God knowing your circumstances and knowing how hard you are trying to stay in the light -- but something which you can do probably also just out of your own will based on what you have been doing so far!

But you do need to stop thinking that your W is going to see things clearly. She is not able to see what you see. Think about the fact that she wants to be with some slime bag who is willing to break up a family and destroy three lives in order to be with her -- and the fact that he LIKES who she is right now, when who she is right now is HORRIBLE. This is all the proof you need that there is no point in your trying to explain, justify, convince.

I know that everyone here will say to get what is yours and do what is just and all that as far as separation and D. My take is different. I set my H free and if he is not willing/able to help me with our kids and take the responsibility a man should take, I release him. I can see he is incapable of holding down a real job and that he is incapable of seeing how hard I work and how tired I am, let alone that I am a good mom and wife. So I release him. I ask him for nothing. Can you do that? I mean, if you can afford it -- Can you not expect her to buy food or give you half of X-Mas money? Can you release yourself from the slavery of expecting that she will be fair or kind about financial matters? Because you are suffering a lot in your outrage and disbelief. She is going to suffer no matter what, she is crazy right now. But you don't have to suffer this way. Just pretend you are a single father with no resources expect those that you provide. If the D really happens, let the lawyers deal with the nitty gritty. Until then, her diatribes about money are just one other way she can avoid reality and truth. They mean nothing, you do not have to give them any credence right now.

I will try to paste the e-mail I got from my H this morning. He demands money from me pretty often because I won't sell the house and he doesn't work much. I haven't asked him for a penny towards house, kids, food, car, ANYTHING, for five years. But he still has no money and demands that I give him money and then blocks out the fact that the money is coming from my own bank account, my own salary, and not from our joint account which is our rental units. He keeps saying he is not taking money from me but from what is rightfully his. I have given him all our financial info and even created a spreadsheet showing what is coming in and how I am using most of my salary to pay all the debts/expenses not covered by our rentals. He still sings the same song. Why? Because he is not able to see or understand or face the truth.

I've decided how far I am willing to go to keep my family together, and how much I can stand, and I do that and give the rest to God. I try to not even think about what is fair/right, that is not going to happen right now. When I think of it, I despair. I let myself do that sometimes, mostly in prayer, when I can give it quickly to God after a good long cry.

[Gerda]

[Gerda]

[scoobs7]

Thanks Gerda. Its does become so difficult.

Another thing from last night. She asks me if intend going out on sat, i say no, she says she will go out. I said, no problem, i enjoy spending time with the kids. She went off on one about, what did i mean about that. I can she what she was thinking, but i didnt mean it like that.

So ive been out for a walk with s10. Come home and she comes out and wants to talk about stuff again, i stayed calm and so did she, but she did put a few daggers in by back and tried to bilittle me about my cooking skills. So i walked away.
I then came back and she was saying that she despises me at the moment and that if she told me why, i would not understand or wouldnt get it.

She says whenbshe moves out, she wants us to have as little contact with each other due to the toxic atmosphere we currently have. Then she also spouts out that she doesnt know this person anymore, these would be my 180's, she has stated this before.

But she really doesnt like me at the moment, she thinks im keeping the house and most of the stuff in it because the kids will want to stay with me more. I also tolc her to keep the money from the previous conversation as i did not want to take money from tyhe kids.

I just listened and validated this time, no arguments. But she kept saying, im not arguing about this, when i was responding to her questions.

Currently feel like i dont want this woman in my life anymore. I know this will change and i may cycle through these emotions.

She is gone out again to look out houses, she trying to play games with the kids as she is looking at houses that have pools. I cannot compete with a house with a pool compared to the MR house i currently live in. But im hoping the kids will want to stay with both of us.

[scoobs7]

This also bugs me as she says im getting everything i want. So custody of the kids.
W wanted kids, every other Wed, thursday, friday and saturday. I would get the remainder.

I was not happy with this as i said i would never have the kids up late with me, i just get them to put them to bed for school. W stormed off saying you should have them all the time.

So i suggested the following for me.

Every other Sat, sunday, monday,tuesday. She gets the rest of the days. She says this is me fetting my own way. I still think im getting short changed, but it does give me more weekend time to GAL. But i would prefer the quality time with the kids.

If W boss changes her shift patten, then it could cause problems.

[Gerda]

My screen was still on your post when I woke up this morning so I will send a quick answer!

Why are you negotiating about kids? Is this a legal separation? You need a mediator to do that, it's too volatile for you to discuss and nothing will ever seem fair -- it's the King Solomon story -- or your saw with the sofa. If she really cared about the kids, she would stay and work it out with you and not choose to have an affair.

Of course you don't want to be with her right now. She is not her. Let her go, don't answer her. You can only be with her when she gets through this, if you decide to wait. If she says hurtful things to you, just walk away without explanation. You are obsessing over everything she says/does, it is going to make you crazy. We've all been there, I get it, I have been totally obsessed and still get that way sometimes but I did manage to stop interacting with him most of the time so at least he doesn't know that I think about what he does/says. Don't worry, you will get to a point where you don't do that anymore. But just for now try practicing not answering even if your mind is still racing. If she tells you you aren't a good cook, just don't answer, just keep doing the dishes or whatever you were doing, or take it lightly, like a teenager is talking to you, e.g., "I'm sorry you feel that way. I do really like the way I do baked potatoes," or something like that. If she tells you she doesn't like who you are now, you could say, "I hear you, I'm sorry you feel that way," or just don't answer. If she says you are getting your own way, same thing, but you could say, it is a really hard situation and not what I want for me or you or the kids. Let's figure this out with a mediator so emotions don't get in the way of what's best for the kids.

Just putting that out there because I know I get so confused in the moment that I say what I don't want to say. Maybe it will help you to see other possibilities here even if you don't use them. DnJ and Gordie both suggested responses to me that I thought about and then actually used in the moment when I wanted to say something else but was able to remember and instead step back and use responses more like what they had suggested.

Either way -- Stop worrying so much and stop thinking so much about what she does/says and stop responding to her! I have to pray a lot to ask God to remove those thoughts from my head but I remember that the DB coach I talked to years back gave me some techniques for that that were secular and that worked for me a little too.

Thank about it -- Do you actually think your kids prefer a pool to you?! They might like a pool but come on! They love their dad!!!! My H is HORRIBLE to my kids and they are still desperate to see him and hang out with him. You are wonderful to your kids, and they are going to hate being apart from you, they will want to see you all the time. Your kids want an intact family, and if they can't have that, they want to see you as much as possible with as little discussion about it as possible. They will not like having to be at two houses, there is nothing you can do about that but keep assuring them that your preference is to have the family together and that you will always be there for them, anytime of day or night. I am very open with my kids and tell them I am always praying for their dad and always waiting for us to have a real family again. You have to walk the fine line between validating their thoughts/feelings (e.g., mom went crazy) and not criticizing her.

Good luck today! Practice kindly silence!

[scoobs7]

We are nogotiating over the kids as she is moving out in the next few weeks to rental. She can only have specific days as she does shift work. I dont want the kids to get too mixed up in this.

She didnt go out after tonight as when we were arguing, i mentioned that D12 was feeling neglected and was chasing W around the house asking is she ok and asking for hugs.

She was ok later on making dinner for us all and speaking to me. Then she goes to bed and ignores me. Shes a nut job. Lol.

I know the kids would prefer me, but she brings up that we should do what is best for the kids.

Shes been packing tonight again, she comes downstairs and cries about leaving sentimental things behind that the kids made and asked me not to throw them away. I said i would never do that, she was sobbing for about 20 minutes after.

[EyeTie]

Scoobs, she is conflicted and following the same script that all WAW use. Mine would go from wanting to sit on the couch and watch a movie together to "I HATE YOU AND WANT THIS DIVORCE" in a matter of minutes.

Instead of hanging out with the kids and letting her go out, do something different that you have either wanted to do or never thought you would do. She is insulting your cooking skills, take a cooking class or two. I did, it was fantastic and oddly, it was full of people either in process or already divorced. I still talk to several people I met from the handful of cooking classes I had taken. I also took a dance class, not really my cup of tea, but it kept me busy.

I spent the first month or two after hearing "ILYBIANILWY" doing everything wrong. I followed her around, asked her where she was going, who she was with, asked her to look at our wedding album, everything else. Looking back, it was embarrassing. When they say you should GAL, they mean it. I know your kids are going through a rough patch, but so are you. You can't rely on them for support, because they need to rely on you. So get out there and try something new!