So where to start? Been married just shy of 10years, but together for 16. Just had the BD about 26 days ago. I had the usual NGS reaction. However stumbled on to this website and it seems to have gotten my attention. I'm trying the LRT, still trying to disconnect and GAL.
I'm not entirely sure if my wife is a WAW or WW. I assume WW since this all happened after I confronted her about having "feelings" for another guy. Our marrige has struggled for years. It got really rough when the kids arrived. Shes said in the past, if we didnt have kids she would have left me. I'm sure its our emotional connection that has issues. She suffers from depression, and when she gets in that state, we definatly disconnect.
Not sure other than the usual advice given, what I can do. I'm trying to stay strong for my 2 D's but its tough.
If she leaves, I'm sure we'll lose the house and need to uproot the kids. I'm angry at her selfishness. But have tried to move to the place where I know its not under my control. Not easy. Shes turned into "party girl" overnight. Out sometimes 4 and 5 nights a week. Drinking and being with some unsavory people.
Most of them are wanting to sleep with each others spouses, some in open marriages etc. She asked me if I could be in an open marriage, since she feels shes now polyamrous.
I do love her, but cant live like that. Been to the lawyer yesterday, and I'm pretty screwed. The laws here are very biased, but I should get joint custody. Thats what really matters.
So to sum it up I guess, is I think shes been a WAW for a while and changed into a WW? Thoughts?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I've read all of sandi's posts and am working on detachment. I'm def the more needy one in the relationship. I'm working on the tough love. I have her sleeping downstairs, while I took the MBR. Her asking for a divorce I think would have been one thing, but the lying and betrayal just cuts me deeper. I dont know how one humanbeing can do that to another. Hardest thing I've ever been through. One step at a time I guess.
cdn- sorry you are here but you will meet some amazing people with some real good feedback. If you read the tag line for my thread- Wife is is not who I married. This is exactly what we all experience. It could be multiple of things from depression to an affair. We may never find out the reason but me must focus on ourselves. What may help us more is if you give us some background information like ages, history just for us to help you. Take the time now to develop into the best individual you can be while being the best dad possible. Good luck on your journey!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thanks Lonewlf. Your right,I may never know. Still doesnt hurt any less. M42 W38 T16 M9 D3 D7
I'm trying to disconnect and validate. We are living in the same house after BD, but in limbo. I see that time is my ally in that. I've definatly had a bad case of NGS, always thought I was helping things by doing stuff, and giving more. I see now it was setting me up for failure. I never tolerated that kind of behaviour from anyone else. But gave her "special" leway. Live and learn. Thanks for the encouragement.
cdn- What she is giving you now is the gift of time. Use it to your advantage. Become the best version of yourself. Eat well, exercise, find and do things that make your soul happy. If you believe in God -go to church pray or join a mens group. You will have up and down days. Ride the up days on the down days practice self care be mindful of your feelings but don't dwell on them. Most of all go out there and find out who YOU really are. Many times in the relationship we loose our sense of self- Time to recapture who YOU are. Blessings on your journey!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
One of the things I hear newcomers say is how difficult it is to see the drastic change in their wayward spouse. She may have been a very morally upright lady who would have never considered the actions she is displaying currently. I don't know if she'll ever return to the girl she was when you married her. She appears to be deep in rebellion. However, I do believe it is possible for a WW to find her way back again.
Upon hearing his W wants a divorce, or learning of an affair, the H will often panic and seek actions that will secure his M. His fear will lead him to act in ways that his W sees as weak attempts to control her. It actually causes her lack of respect to worsen, and she acts out more.....treating him badly, to show him there is no hope of reconciling the MR.
So, I have to say that I admire you for having her leave the marital bedroom. That is a big step in showing that you will not condone her inappropriate behavior and betrayal of the MR.
From the view of his WW, her H needs to be seen in a light of respect & strength in every interaction with her. Most H's want to prove to the WW how much he loves her and believes in their M. Believe it or not, that's actually the incorrect route to take, when you have a wayward W. Her heart is completely closed to her H. It's not only closed, it is cold and has become hardened. Therefore, the more he tries to show how much he loves her, and he tries to press her not to get a divorce......the faster she tries to get away from him.
Whenever a WW gives the bomb drop (tells H she wants a D), it is not her way of waking him up to get working on their MR. Please understand this point. The bomb drop does tend to wake up the H, alright.....but that is not the purpose she has in mind. She is done with it, and has no desire whatsoever to work on the MR. The more he presses her, the worse he is making the situation.
If there is ever a time that a man needs to know his own personal values, standards, principles, beliefs, etc......it is at this point in his life. These are the things you need to rely on....call on....and act on. Your emotions will battle to dictate your actions/decisions. However, emotions were not designed to make decisions, and if you have no basis other than feelings......you'll likely do the wrong thing. So, get in touch with your moral/spiritual values for your life, b/c you will need them as a guide throughout this ordeal. It's what tells you where to draw a line....and where to take a stand.
Hope you'll post often. The more background information you share, the more it helps us have a better view.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Been reading your threads like mad, trying to figure out what to do next. I'll admit, I made all the classic mistakes for the first 10 days or so. Our MC wanted her to make a decision, work on the M, or move on. I'm not entirely sure she wasnt sure what to do. So after lurking on this site, I've backed off, no ILY's, sent her out of MBR etc. Started working on myself, get up at 6am, workouts etc.
Shes still spending lots of time with these writing people. Really bad influence I think. But like you guys keep saying, I can only control myself. Hopefully she comes back around.
Either way though I'm going to be a better version of myself. I wont tolerate the bad behaviour and will work on standing up for myself.
Sandi2 I'm sure your on to something, she wants the best of both worlds. She says she wants a divorce, but wants us to do lots of "family" stuff after. Cake eating I think you guys call it.
She wants to exchange the kids every 2-3 days since she "cant take it" for long periods of time. She wanted a child schedule where I would have the kids every sun and every other sat.
Wants weekends free to hang with her friends I guess. Wants to be "happy".
If we do divorce, I think I'll tell her she can keep chasing her happyness but by pushing me and the kids away she'll always be unhappy.
