Walk Away Spouse after 6 yrs - Part 2

[OrangeK]

But as of now she does not have anyone in her heart. She is just too broken hearted.

you dont KNOW that, that is what SHE told you, part of HER narrative. I would be inclined NOT to believe it for that exact reason.

I think she needs to heal from it first, which itself will take a long time.
Like some of the behavior about her, I posted it in your thread. And she does have some BPD, narcissistic qualities. However, you just cant treat them with medication.

No, if that IS the case she needs IC, which you will never talk her into doing. She must make that choice herself.

If she is going through so much of pain now,

Her "I am in so much pain" is being used to distract you from her deception i think. She is playing on the fact that you care, that you are nice, she knows this will distract you from looking further into things. Be cautious NC, i honestly think you are LETTING her manipulate you.
If you have researched BPD, NPD and other such things you know what the best action is for you.
NO CONTACT. everything about NPD emotional abuse syas cut ties, go NC, and keep it that way.
So if you ARE being emotionally abused, and you need to go NC, or the cycle will just continue.

she does not have the proper mindset to even give her own life a chance to move on.

Is that what she is telling you?

That is where some level of emotional connection is required. Rather than abandoning her. It could be like meet her sometime once in a while, just be stringent with the time, meet at your own terms and plan to leave first. You can be emotionally safe with no expectations. She can also think over and keep safe. And leave the rest to faith!

I still feel 100% She is using your kindness to make you think she is the "Injured Princess" to keep your guard down, acting the victim is classic emotional manipulation.
She wants you to pursue because she wants to keep you in the cycle.
This doesnt mean she wants you, the MR, to R or any of that.

Im really not trying to be a jerk here NC, but i think you are LETTING her lead you on, manipulate you, and believing her narrative as to whats going on.

Shes playing you man. HARD.

[TBSakaJ9]

First MR for both of us and she had dated others before.

[Nutcrac]

First MR for both of us and she had dated others before.

Could it be the fact that she had a MLC issue and compared you with her first dating boyfriends. I think she wanted to renew her life with a new man. She must have just got bored of you like my wife.

[TBSakaJ9]

I don't think it had anything to do with a previous boyfriend but she said she was bored, was not happy, said she was not content and didn't love me any more. So if there is such a thing as a MLC she would fit the category. We had never talked or discussed D before and then 1 day out of blue says she is done and 3 weeks later moved out.

[Nutcrac]

But as of now she does not have anyone in her heart. She is just too broken hearted.

you dont KNOW that, that is what SHE told you, part of HER narrative. I would be inclined NOT to believe it for that exact reason.

OrangeK. This i can tell you 100%. when we were in home, I was also doubtful and at times, I had intentionally spied on her Electronic media. She does not. She in fact watches a lot of women Empowerement videos and prefers to be single. She has her cousin, brother and many others who are divorcees and support her. That is the issue here. I am not saying she won't marry or something. Down the line she will marry someone. It will take a while I know.

I think she needs to heal from it first, which itself will take a long time.
Like some of the behavior about her, I posted it in your thread. And she does have some BPD, narcissistic qualities. However, you just cant treat them with medication.

No, if that IS the case she needs IC, which you will never talk her into doing. She must make that choice herself.

You are right. She will never ever agree to that. In fact she will say that I need a psychiatrist rather than her.

If she is going through so much of pain now,

Her "I am in so much pain" is being used to distract you from her deception i think. She is playing on the fact that you care, that you are nice, she knows this will distract you from looking further into things. Be cautious NC, i honestly think you are LETTING her manipulate you.

She knows that. I definitely had a NGS issue throughout the marriage. It won't distract me. To tell you frankly, I am in touch with other girls and I enjoy life as well. Of course I have my wife in my thoughts. My wife also knows that I can charm any other woman easily. The problem she is leaving me is because - she has a low self esteem. Ours was a SSM issue. She thinks she is not beautiful enough to attract me. As a matter of fact, Why will any woman stay with her spouse in such a marraige?

If you have researched BPD, NPD and other such things you know what the best action is for you.
NO CONTACT. everything about NPD emotional abuse syas cut ties, go NC, and keep it that way.
So if you ARE being emotionally abused, and you need to go NC, or the cycle will just continue.

Yes thats right. But there are research articles that tell you that NPD can be cured if the right kind of emotional therapy can be applied. Yes Narcissists can change. Extremely low possibility. However, it depends on how you can manage it.

she does not have the proper mindset to even give her own life a chance to move on.

Is that what she is telling you?

Nope. Her actions are showing that. She was very very lonely and depressed when I saw her. She does her arts and crafts sitting lonely. She is spending the kind of like that I used to spend when I was alone in my marital home.

That is where some level of emotional connection is required. Rather than abandoning her. It could be like meet her sometime once in a while, just be stringent with the time, meet at your own terms and plan to leave first. You can be emotionally safe with no expectations. She can also think over and keep safe. And leave the rest to faith!

I still feel 100% She is using your kindness to make you think she is the "Injured Princess" to keep your guard down, acting the victim is classic emotional manipulation.
She wants you to pursue because she wants to keep you in the cycle.
This doesnt mean she wants you, the MR, to R or any of that.

Like I said she could be. Just imaging yourself in your wife position and you taking advantage of a nice person and repaying back with abuse? That guilt feeling even for a BPD / NPD is difficult to handle. Also I am not going to be in that cycle for long. I have the ability to move on. At this time that is not what I want and that is the only reason I am sticking to this stitch.

Im really not trying to be a jerk here NC, but i think you are LETTING her lead you on, manipulate you, and believing her narrative as to whats going on.

Shes playing you man. HARD.

Like I said earlier. She could be playing on me. Trust me, If i was being played so hard by her, she would have been nice , try to reconcile, agreed to MC, be very manipulative and finally left me. But her anger shows that she does have some hidden feelings somewhere. And she cant see the light of it.

[Nutcrac]

I don't think it had anything to do with a previous boyfriend but she said she was bored, was not happy, said she was not content and didn't love me any more. So if there is such a thing as a MLC she would fit the category. We had never talked or discussed D before and then 1 day out of blue says she is done and 3 weeks later moved out.

My wife said the very exact things that you mentioned above - bored, was not happy, said she was not content and worse never loved me since marriage!
Also woman have this weird thoughts , where they have decided this fact years before and still live with you as if nothing happened. And when the day BD is dropped, you are in shock. For them its a long gone thing. Unfortunately that is what happened in your stitch and some others like mine triggered by an external source like family fights etc.

[Nutcrac]

REPOSTING SINCE PREVIOUS POST WAS CASCADED WITHING WINDOW

But as of now she does not have anyone in her heart. She is just too broken hearted.

you dont KNOW that, that is what SHE told you, part of HER narrative. I would be inclined NOT to believe it for that exact reason.

OrangeK. This i can tell you 100%. when we were in home, I was also doubtful and at times, I had intentionally spied on her Electronic media. She does not. She in fact watches a lot of women Empowerement videos and prefers to be single. She has her cousin, brother and many others who are divorcees and support her. That is the issue here. I am not saying she won't marry or something. Down the line she will marry someone. It will take a while I know.

I think she needs to heal from it first, which itself will take a long time.
Like some of the behavior about her, I posted it in your thread. And she does have some BPD, narcissistic qualities. However, you just cant treat them with medication.

No, if that IS the case she needs IC, which you will never talk her into doing. She must make that choice herself.

You are right. She will never ever agree to that. In fact she will say that I need a psychiatrist rather than her.

If she is going through so much of pain now,

Her "I am in so much pain" is being used to distract you from her deception i think. She is playing on the fact that you care, that you are nice, she knows this will distract you from looking further into things. Be cautious NC, i honestly think you are LETTING her manipulate you.

She knows that. I definitely had a NGS issue throughout the marriage. It won't distract me. To tell you frankly, I am in touch with other girls and I enjoy life as well. Of course I have my wife in my thoughts. My wife also knows that I can charm any other woman easily. The problem she is leaving me is because - she has a low self esteem. Ours was a SSM issue. She thinks she is not beautiful enough to attract me. As a matter of fact, Why will any woman stay with her spouse in such a marraige?

If you have researched BPD, NPD and other such things you know what the best action is for you.
NO CONTACT. everything about NPD emotional abuse syas cut ties, go NC, and keep it that way.
So if you ARE being emotionally abused, and you need to go NC, or the cycle will just continue.

Yes thats right. But there are research articles that tell you that NPD can be cured if the right kind of emotional therapy can be applied. Yes Narcissists can change. Extremely low possibility. However, it depends on how you can manage it.

she does not have the proper mindset to even give her own life a chance to move on.

Is that what she is telling you?

Nope. Her actions are showing that. She was very very lonely and depressed when I saw her. She does her arts and crafts sitting lonely. She is spending the kind of like that I used to spend when I was alone in my marital home.

That is where some level of emotional connection is required. Rather than abandoning her. It could be like meet her sometime once in a while, just be stringent with the time, meet at your own terms and plan to leave first. You can be emotionally safe with no expectations. She can also think over and keep safe. And leave the rest to faith!

I still feel 100% She is using your kindness to make you think she is the "Injured Princess" to keep your guard down, acting the victim is classic emotional manipulation.
She wants you to pursue because she wants to keep you in the cycle.
This doesnt mean she wants you, the MR, to R or any of that.

Like I said she could be. Just imaging yourself in your wife position and you taking advantage of a nice person and repaying back with abuse? That guilt feeling even for a BPD / NPD is difficult to handle. Also I am not going to be in that cycle for long. I have the ability to move on. At this time that is not what I want and that is the only reason I am sticking to this stitch.

Im really not trying to be a jerk here NC, but i think you are LETTING her lead you on, manipulate you, and believing her narrative as to whats going on.

Shes playing you man. HARD.

Like I said earlier. She could be playing on me. Trust me, If i was being played so hard by her, she would have been nice , try to reconcile, agreed to MC, be very manipulative and finally left me. But her anger shows that she does have some hidden feelings somewhere. And she cant see the light of it.

[OrangeK]

Firstly NPD's dont experience guilt. At all. EVER.
Nor do they experience love, compassion, empathy or remorse.
I think you need to do a lot more research before you start throwing mental diagnoses around, I have heavy suspicions my Wife is disordered, but im not a shrink and cannot definitively make that call.

Secondly, as I said before I wish you the best of luck in YOUR method, i humbly disagree. I will be watching your sitch, I have been where you are at before, disagreeing and arguing with half the board. It didn't help. It wont help you.
Listen, absorb. People are here to help you in your time of frailty and vulnerability.

I dont think this path you are on will lead to success.

By the sounds of it with you talking about "charming" women and "She thinks she isnt beautiful enough to attract me", i think you need to look into an IC as soon as possible also, that is a dangerous train of thought you are on. You exhibit a lot of controlling behaviors, even here in how you type. This concerns me.

You are mind reading, making assumptions of her mindset based on what behaviors she is CHOOSING to show you.

--------------------------------
A few last questions.

In what ways can YOU grow, change and improve yourself?

What is YOUR biggest flaw?

What did YOU do to contribute to the downfall of your marriage?

Nobody is perfect, What do you do to make you an imperfect husband?
What could you do better?

[Nutcrac]

In what ways can YOU grow, change and improve yourself?
I am doing a lot of GAL, trying to involve more with extra curricular activities work etc. increase my social circle.

What is YOUR biggest flaw?
I think you got one of my flaws correct. My biggest flaw within me is Controlling and manipulative. Yes my wife knows that is my weakness. And she sees this every now and then. At least now, I have reduced my controlling behavior a lot. However, my wife is also controlling and manipulative to a large extent. Hence the dance between us.

What did YOU do to contribute to the downfall of your marriage?
SSM and Trust issues. She never allowed me physically close. And we also had plenty of MIL DIL issues and families never patched. So she things the whole package (Me and my family) is bad. Due to SSM she never trusts me. She thought she Can't fix it and best is to just leave the situation. And that is what she is doing now.

Nobody is perfect, What do you do to make you an imperfect husband?
What could you do better?

Some of the missing things in me was less intimacy, less validation and loss of the physical closeness. I did not take the lead in many of my initiatives to fix the existing issues we had in our marraige. She saw that as a weakness and thought i am no longer interested in her and staying only for money (She earns more). This and many other trust issues.
I just need to be brutally honest with her no matter what. I have been doing that so far. But she still does not trust me. She thinks i am secretive and manipulative and what not. However time is the only healing factor here. And hope someday she sees me in a different way.


[/quote]

[OrangeK]

In what ways can YOU grow, change and improve yourself?
I am doing a lot of GAL, trying to involve more with extra curricular activities work etc. increase my social circle.

These are things you can do to improve your SITUATION. what are you doing to improve yourself, emotionally? What are you reading, are you seeing an IC?

What is YOUR biggest flaw?
I think you got one of my flaws correct. My biggest flaw within me is Controlling and manipulative. Yes my wife knows that is my weakness. And she sees this every now and then. At least now, I have reduced my controlling behavior a lot. However, my wife is also controlling and manipulative to a large extent. Hence the dance between us.
I see.

What did YOU do to contribute to the downfall of your marriage?
SSM and Trust issues. She never allowed me physically close. And we also had plenty of MIL DIL issues and families never patched. So she things the whole package (Me and my family) is bad. Due to SSM she never trusts me. She thought she Can't fix it and best is to just leave the situation. And that is what she is doing now.
you didnt answer the question. you just blameshifted onto your wife.
So, what did YOU DO to contribue to the downfall of your MR?

Nobody is perfect, What do you do to make you an imperfect husband?
What could you do better?

Some of the missing things in me was less intimacy, less validation and loss of the physical closeness. I did not take the lead in many of my initiatives to fix the existing issues we had in our marraige. She saw that as a weakness and thought i am no longer interested in her and staying only for money (She earns more). This and many other trust issues.
I just need to be brutally honest with her no matter what. I have been doing that so far. But she still does not trust me. She thinks i am secretive and manipulative and what not. However time is the only healing factor here. And hope someday she sees me in a different way.

I gotta be completely honest here NC,
You basically dodged or blame-shifted on almost every question i asked you.
I am very concerened about that, i asked the questions i did for a reason.

I may ruffle the feathers here, but here comes the 2x4.
Have you ever considered that you might have narcissistic traits? or Borderline traits?
You seem unwilling to accept blame, you seem to have a really hard time accepting others advice, and admitting fault.
You blame-shift and seem to enjoy arguing.

I would get yourself with an IC ASAP.
I really think an IC will help you work through YOU. Then when YOU are feeling 100%, you can focus on your MR.

Best Wishes NC, ill be in touch and watching for updates.