Divorce is not the worst outcome. Trying to prevent it and hanging around in limbo is. Recon can happen after D. Infact we have stories here where that's been the case.
You're trying to avoid something and in the process making it worse. Best thing is to give her what she wants and figure your stuff out. Fighting or delaying it worsens your situation and your standing in her eyes. Now you're an adversary - not the position you want to be in.
Divorce is not the worst outcome. Trying to prevent it and hanging around in limbo is. Recon can happen after D. Infact we have stories here where that's been the case.
You're trying to avoid something and in the process making it worse. Best thing is to give her what she wants and figure your stuff out. Fighting or delaying it worsens your situation and your standing in her eyes. Now you're an adversary - not the position you want to be in.
Disagree. Many woman want you to fight for them with confidence. I am just giving away easily to her. In this case I will make her fight for D. Best thing is for me to delay as much as possible and not allow this to be easy for her. Thats how she will be in the second thoughts phase.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
I respect your points of view on how you see my stitch! But I clearly am in disagreement on many of your views. More damage would have been done, If i ignored her further more. Sorry to say this but it is true. If I had not gone and spoke to her yesterday, she would not have given any thought about extending it. In fact, I was even thinking she might call the cops. That is not what happened.
So are you saying that you don't agree with the DB coach assessment about "both of us not wanting to have divorce"? You are seeing majority of cases here which are mainly the WAW turned WW or something similar. My wife is none of those. Yes she is a WAW. but she is taking her decisions for her moral values and flawed reasoning. She is hurt by me. I have made mistakes and so has she. But a woman's pride is too strong. Its not easy to break the walls and takes time. She definitely knows I read a lot of blogs and forums and thinks the changes in me are mainly due to the internet and not the real ones. I am pretty sure she sees me doing the text book approaches and may be she is entirely aware of this blog or even this thread. Trust me she is very smart! What matters most here is what you really feel from your heart and do it. I don't understand when you guys say 'damage'. I respectfully disagree. A lot of Damage has already been done leaving her alone for a long. Its time to put some efforts to start getting close to her and see how it goes. I can definitely see, she likes the new confident man who is strong to face situation and circumstances. That is all she will get even in her belligerent mode. If she wants to throw me out. Let her throw me out.
Everyone here has a spouse that is leaving based on flawed reasoning! Everyone here as a spouse that questions the positive changes in the LBS. Everyone of us have smart spouses that realizes there are resources like this forum, MWD and her books. Everyone of us thinks that DBing is doing damage when it isn't.
The fact that she didn't throw you out MEANS nothing. She made it very clear that you were not welcome and that she was only treating you as a guest out of obligation. Congratulations, you have a WAS with etiquette. Doesn't help your situation.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm going to start off with WOW. You showed up to your W door with one of the most selfish declarations I have seen in a long time. You didn't validate any of her feelings and you most likely pushed her further away.
You showed and told her a bunch of what you wanted and why. The whole time she told you she didnt want what you wanted. She's telling she doesn't want the M and you essentially told her you do. That old M you and her had is dead and she has expressed that as strongly as possible. You didnt validate a single feeling. You are on this board telling us you know your W but you dont even know what evil ways she thinks you have. This means you dont know why your W is resenting you. Have you 180ed any of what she said she didnt like?
The only thing I see, is a selfish man that don't know why his W has left and has the nerve to balme it on her stubbornness. You are the stubborn one!
What you essentially did was try to make a person do something they don't want to do, it was a form if manipulation. It's like giving a person that don't want or like coffee an option to have a cup of coffee. She tells you I don't like coffee anymore, and you have just told her, well take two more months to decide if you don't want or like this coffee.
You need to read up on validation, do alot of self reflection and be honest with yourself. You don't know your W, because if you did you would not have to ask her "what evil side".
I'm not being mean, I'm being honest. You need to take a step back and sit in a quiet room and reflect on the type of person you are. Because what I read from what you did yesterday was from a selfish man.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Pursuing will not get you the results you seek. I can tell you that from Experience
OrangeK I have read your sticth. There are many similaraties between your W and mine in terms of behaviour especially Narcisism and BPD. However there is one major diff - Your wife is WW and mine is a WAW with broken heart. They are 2 different breeds. A WW is more cheating and a lot more manipulative compared to a WAW who is broken hearted. Anyways, I will wait for her response. She has too much anger in her. And she may slowly diffuse it hoping if I take things the right way. Lets see where it goes.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Nutcrac, she only agreed to the 2 months because she fears for opposition to dissolution. If 2 more months gets her the easy way out then she is willing. Dance with not treating you bad. She is being peaceful to get that she wants. dissolution. How are you not seeing that?!?
Motion to reconcile can be extended after 2 months as well or again converted to divorce. I will wait for her decision after talking to her lawyer. So there would have been 2 scenarios here -
1) If I had not discussed this decision with her, it would have simply converted to divorce - worst outcome, which is what many of you suggested.
2) Now she has an opportunity to extend for 2 more months. Because I discussed with her. She can accept it or deny it. I have a fair feeling that she may accept it despite not knowing what the future outcome is.
Notice from your update:
Quote:
Me: if you say no, i will withdraw my dissolution consent and it will get converted to a normal divorce proceedings. After 2 months we have an option either to dissolve or get this converted to divorce again.
THIS PROVES MY POINT.
She wants dissolution over D (because it is easier). You told her if she didn't agree to the 2 months then she would have to change from dissolution to D.
Therefore she is considering the 2 months ONLY to eventually get the dissolution, instead of the D. Notice in your update she was pushing to get assurances from you that if she agreed to the 2 months that at the end of it you would agree to dissolution. You didn't give her that assurance BUT she know she still has a chance at dissolution if she agrees to the 2 months.
So nothing you said changes what I said. She only agreed to consider it because she wants the easy way out: dissolution. And if waiting 2 more months is what that takes she is willing to wait.
The point nutcrac is that do not take her willingness to consider it, or even if she eventually agrees to it, as her being open to R. You forced her to do it.
Again, for the last time since you don't want to hear it, the better option was just to remove your consent for dissolution and let her deal with it. Either she'd push forward with D, or she'd cancel everything hoping to convince you to dissolution at some point in the future.
Can I ask what nationality you are? Your English is unconventional. You also have a bit of a biased opinion of women. You keep talking about women being stubborn and prideful. Last I checked women didn't have a monopoly on that. In fact, you yourself are showing yourself to be very prideful and stubborn. Just saying.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm going to start off with WOW. You showed up to your W door with one of the most selfish declarations I have seen in a long time. You didn't validate any of her feelings and you most likely pushed her further away.
You showed and told her a bunch of what you wanted and why. The whole time she told you she didnt want what you wanted. She's telling she doesn't want the M and you essentially told her you do. That old M you and her had is dead and she has expressed that as strongly as possible. You didnt validate a single feeling. You are on this board telling us you know your W but you dont even know what evil ways she thinks you have. This means you dont know why your W is resenting you. Have you 180ed any of what she said she didnt like?
The only thing I see, is a selfish man that don't know why his W has left and has the nerve to balme it on her stubbornness. You are the stubborn one!
What you essentially did was try to make a person do something they don't want to do, it was a form if manipulation. It's like giving a person that don't want or like coffee an option to have a cup of coffee. She tells you I don't like coffee anymore, and you have just told her, well take two more months to decide if you don't want or like this coffee.
You need to read up on validation, do alot of self reflection and be honest with yourself. You don't know your W, because if you did you would not have to ask her "what evil side".
I'm not being mean, I'm being honest. You need to take a step back and sit in a quiet room and reflect on the type of person you are. Because what I read from what you did yesterday was from a selfish man.
Everybody is entitled to their opinion. I am not saying anything wrong. Yes I may be selfish. At this time, I really dont care if my wife has to be with me or Not. So Let me ask you this - If she agrees to the 2 months reconciliation despite knowing that after 2 months, I still have the same options as of today, she gave me a choice despite knowing that I am a selfish man? If she doesn't give that option its a different story. And regarding validation, I did validate her. I said you are still entitled to your divorce opinion. However I am not. Common. You cannot simply allow your wife to have everything. You have the right to fight her for certain things. She is entitled to her feelings. I did not dismiss that and I heard it! Regarding the "evil side", she is entitled to it again. She does not trust me and she things only negative and gets that weird feelings about me. And lets say if your wife had come and told you the same - you have an evil side. Would you simply know by that phrase what evil side you have? Its not easy as you think. And this is nothing selfish about me. I am still strong and confident and It doesn't really matter if my wife comes back or not. If she does not come back, its her problem, her headache. Not mine. I will move on and so does she with her lone sufferings. So lets take this as a test and let me know what you think according to you would be the outcome? Do you think she will agree to stall for 2 more months? Or she will simply say no and convert it to a divorce process? My gut feeling is despite her hate towards me, she will choose the first option!
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Pursuing will not get you the results you seek. I can tell you that from Experience
OrangeK I have read your sticth. There are many similaraties between your W and mine in terms of behaviour especially Narcisism and BPD. However there is one major diff - Your wife is WW and mine is a WAW with broken heart. They are 2 different breeds. A WW is more cheating and a lot more manipulative compared to a WAW who is broken hearted. Anyways, I will wait for her response. She has too much anger in her. And she may slowly diffuse it hoping if I take things the right way. Lets see where it goes.
I do not think you know this for sure. There could be an OM. Your stubborn pride will probably say no way. But we've all thought that and have been wrong. Nutcrac most people do not move on from their MR unless they have a solid other option in place. Sorry to be blunt, but monkeys don't jump from the branch they are on unless they think there is a better branch to jump to.
So the jury is still out in your sitch on whether or not you W is a WW or not. And it is very dangerous to assume she isn't.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
