Thank you all for your valuable suggestions and I am surprsied I lasted upto 100 responses through the previous forum. That is quite an acheivement. In fact i thought my divorce would be final even before i could finish the first thread.
I will begin part 2 of my stitch with a teeny weeny glimpse .000001% of ray of hope.
Like i decided in the previous thread, I decided to give a surprise visit to my wife and met her. I will give a step by step interpretation of what happened below-
I took some sweets and knocked at her door. She approached me (could hear a small noise on the other side of doir) saw me through peep hole. And did not bother to open the door. I waited and knocked again Almost 5 min later she opened the door with an arrogant look
Me: hi how are you?
WAW : why did you come? You shouldn't be here. At this time we are left with a week. We shouldn't be talking to each other.
Me: (After a brief pause) I came here casually. I wanted to discuss some things with you. Can I come in at least.
WAW: its too late and I have work tomorrow. You also didn't give me a headsup. But anyways since you have come this far, you may come in. You are lije a guest to me.
I went in and removed my shoes and offered her the sweets. She rejected saying she will not accept it. That i should take it back. I insisted saying they are good ones. She said No. Didn't say a word and kept that myself.
Sat on the sofa and she was sitting diagonally opposite. Told her she has furnished the home very well. Has a beautiful balcony view. And she said "Thanks for kicking me out. Dissolution date is fast approaching. I m very happy. I will be able to move on peacefully. I didn't say a word. She offered me a glass of water. I said yes. Offered me dinner. I said no. I didnt come here to eat. Just listened to her. She asked me to let her know to discuss the details i came for. I said lets discuss it casually. There is no hurry. And asked about her well being, her work, and discussed about her family's well being. Asked how she manages to eat. She responded similar to what i had mentioned earlier - eating frozen food and the like. I saw her. Her eyes were watery (may be she had cried befire opening door) and she seemed weak. She is definitely lonely. I said since its already dinner time, lets have dinner. She had prepared some pancakes and microwaved some frozen gravy. Both of us took it and ate together silently. I asked few questions about how family is doing. She simply noded her head positively. Was a bit arrogant. I didn't bother her much. After dinner, sat there for a while and took some time to process thoughts. Then she asked me again to tell her why i came-
Me: (very very confidently and firm voice) you know i was never and even now not happy with this divorce decision. My signature on paper is just a forced decision and not my heart felt decision. I am not for it. I signed becaused of your insistence. However I do love you deeply. I spoke to my lawyer and i want to extend this for 2 more months by filing motion to reconcile and i need your help!)
WAW: i dnt want to reconcile. why do you want it ? Is it because your sister is getting married and you dont want anyone in your family to know about this before her marraige? Or is it your friends insisting?
Me: nothing to do with my family or my friends. In fact my friend's wife had tears in her eyes when she spoke to me about you. But that is notveven the reason. I took this decision. I have given pretty much everything to youbso far all the time. But i am asking you for this. This motion to reconcile is only for me. You are entitled to your feelings to divorce. But i need 2 more months.
WAW: what if i say no? And after 2 months what if you say no again? What do you plan to do? I dont want to disturb my peace of mind. I want to get this disdolved done.
Me: if you say no, i will withdraw my dissolution consent and it will get converted to a normal divorce proceedings. After 2 months we have an option either to dissolve or get this converted to divorce again.
WAW: let me write it down and discuss with my lawyer. At this time i am not sure. I will let you know. Either ways divorce is final. You will never take me as your wife and i can never take you as my husband. However, if there is anyone in this world who cares for you first is me and i am always your wellwisher. When you are in misery and lift your hand, i will be there to help you. What i want now is peaceful life. May be the motion to reconcile is a better option since divorce is more painful where lawyers make money and extract all hidden assets and ultimately it gets nullified , they make money.
Me: i have no hidden assets yo hide. I am brutally honest with you. i will ensure both of us will be peacefull in the end one way or the other. Which is why i suggested motion to reconcile. Even divorce is inot the best soltion. I agree.
WAW: So you came all the way here just to convey this? You could have simply texted over phone. ( sarcastically)
Me: i wanted to meet you and convey this to you personally. Anyways i will leave now. Got up and started wearing my shoes.
WAW: waited until i finished wearig my shoe. She Started talking about her heartfelt feelings.how i created boundaries of having our last conversation and how i didnt keep up with any of it. I offered to come in again and listen to her. She agreed.
Me: sat on thecsofa and listened to her intently with full eye contact and confidence.
WAW: (spoke some of her personal heartfelt feelings) although we can never be togetheher i may agree to this one time 2 month extension. It doesnt matter as long as i am peaceful. You need to know this divorce i am taking for helping you as well as you deserve someone better and not me. You have a very dark side in you that only i know and none of your friends and no one in this world know. I hope one day before ypu die you come to me and accept what that is? I will forgive you for whatever you have.
Me: (maintaining proper eye contact) you need to elaborate it a bit more. I dont understand. If you can give me a bit more info on the dark side it will be helpful.
WAW: you know better what i am talking about.
Me: Sorry i dont know what you are saying.
WAW: anyways i need to wake up early tomm. bye ( with an arrogant look and closed doir)
Me: i wished her the very best and left with the sweets i had got for her.
Folks let me know your thoughts.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Nutcrac, I feel you did more damage than good. Another poster gave you the better way to approach. And that was to withdraw your consent without consulting with her. This would have effectively accomplished what you wanted without her approval or disapproval. Look if she wants a D then you make her a D you. DBing isn't making it easy for her to leave. That is essentially that you are doing.
Her "D is bad because lawyers get everything" crap is just that. Crap. She wants an easy way out and that is dissolution. Fight it. Make her do the work!
This board is full of sitches where the LBS left the work of the D to the WAS. In a lot of cases the WAS decides that it's too onerous and then stays in the MR. The ones that deal with issues properly then can create a new MR out of the ashes of BD.
You are right to fight dissolution. You are wrong in thinking you can pursue her back. Fight dissolution. Make her D you. That's your best chance.
I saw nothing in the update that provided hope. I saw an obstinate spouse that was reluctantly hospitable. The refusal to accept the sweets speaks volumes. You say she wants to be pursued. Nothing in her words or actions in what you told us corroborates that declaration.
You have a bad case of NGS. You really should read the book NMMNG.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
NutCrac - this did far more damage than you just leaving it alone. I can just see her disrespect growing with every conversation and the pursuit is just bananas. Stop this line of action immediately if you want better outcomes for yourself. There is no glimmer of hope in any of it, infact it just worsened your situation.
Why dont you tell us what your thoughts are first?
How do you think this helped you? Or did it hurt your sitch?
How did you feel before, during, after?
Let me know how you think it went and what impact it may have and then ill tell you what I think.
So I was prepared for the Worst case scenario. Thought she would get belligerent and abusive when she sees me or when i brought up the topic of discussion. However, I got just the opposite. She is very very lonely. She misses me but too stubborn to admit it. She agrees that she is emotionally very attached to me but her decision to end this marraige is final. However, she did not pick up any fights or arguments or literally anything that caused more pain. She seems peaceful. It definitely helped the situation since she said she would consider giving a 2 months extension rather than divorce which is painful for both of us. That in itself is a big win for me at this time. As long as she is peaceful and not being bothered of the past she seems ok. I was confident (a little bit of mixed feelings) before I met her, I was confident throughout the time i spoke with her. when i left i was satisfied with the conversation outcome. That was the best i could expect as I had prepared for the worst situation. I feel she doesn't want divorce either like sandi2 mentioned. She definitely didnt like the fact that I allowed her to step out of home. (I had to as she was stubborn & adamant to leave) and she still blames me that I kicked her out. Wrong! however i kept my cool. So i understand what she is going through. I feel my mutual friends talking to her helped her a lot. So she could let out all her bad feelings about me and my family. And that may have calmed her down. She was definitely not happy about me setting boundaries and breaking them. She conveyed that to me. However she was also receptive of the fact that she would give 2 months extension and that's it. I spoke with the DB counselor soon after meeting her. The DB counselor felt that I should have contacted her before giving that letter. The letter although conveyed a lot of message to her was not put in the right way. Both of us are talking mouth to mouth. Not Heart to heart. Both of us definitely don't want divorce. But too much pride to validate each other. Both of us have not seen the last of each other breaking boundaries and getting back on conversations. Hence she suggested the need for more validation from my end and show empathy towards her rather than asking for explanations. She did agree to the fact of my decision that I should take it forward by wooing her down the line since it is what she seems to expect from me. She is just signalling me but she is not conveying from her words. Sandi2 has pointed out some of these points in her earlier posts.
I feel overall it was a positive sign in the right direction. Again I am not concerned about the outcome. I know few of you suggested not pursuing her by meeting her and all that. I feel that was not the right decision in my case at least. She did not treat me bad. She was receptive of my withdrawal decision and she was willing to give it a thought. She did not belittle me and was neutral.
I feel the loneliness has made her realize a lot of what she did and her feelings in this marraige. She has too much stubborn pride and does not want to apologize. She still puts me in the fault of kicking her out and suspecting a dark side of me (To this date i dont know what that is!) Like i said, I will just be strong going forward. I will not give in to her bad treatment. However even though she clearly told me not to pursue her during the Reconciliation phase, I have to woo her one way or the other, and hopefully involve my friends to have her socialize and slowly approach her. I am just taking a leap of faith in the whole situation and not bothering about the outcome. That is all that matters and I am happy about that!
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Nutcrac, she only agreed to the 2 months because she fears for opposition to dissolution. If 2 more months gets her the easy way out then she is willing. Dance with not treating you bad. She is being peaceful to get that she wants. dissolution. How are you not seeing that?!?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I respect your points of view on how you see my stitch! But I clearly am in disagreement on many of your views. More damage would have been done, If i ignored her further more. Sorry to say this but it is true. If I had not gone and spoke to her yesterday, she would not have given any thought about extending it. In fact, I was even thinking she might call the cops. That is not what happened.
So are you saying that you don't agree with the DB coach assessment about "both of us not wanting to have divorce"? You are seeing majority of cases here which are mainly the WAW turned WW or something similar. My wife is none of those. Yes she is a WAW. but she is taking her decisions for her moral values and flawed reasoning. She is hurt by me. I have made mistakes and so has she. But a woman's pride is too strong. Its not easy to break the walls and takes time. She definitely knows I read a lot of blogs and forums and thinks the changes in me are mainly due to the internet and not the real ones. I am pretty sure she sees me doing the text book approaches and may be she is entirely aware of this blog or even this thread. Trust me she is very smart! What matters most here is what you really feel from your heart and do it. I don't understand when you guys say 'damage'. I respectfully disagree. A lot of Damage has already been done leaving her alone for a long. Its time to put some efforts to start getting close to her and see how it goes. I can definitely see, she likes the new confident man who is strong to face situation and circumstances. That is all she will get even in her belligerent mode. If she wants to throw me out. Let her throw me out.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Nutcrac, she only agreed to the 2 months because she fears for opposition to dissolution. If 2 more months gets her the easy way out then she is willing. Dance with not treating you bad. She is being peaceful to get that she wants. dissolution. How are you not seeing that?!?
Motion to reconcile can be extended after 2 months as well or again converted to divorce. I will wait for her decision after talking to her lawyer. So there would have been 2 scenarios here -
1) If I had not discussed this decision with her, it would have simply converted to divorce - worst outcome, which is what many of you suggested.
2) Now she has an opportunity to extend for 2 more months. Because I discussed with her. She can accept it or deny it. I have a fair feeling that she may accept it despite not knowing what the future outcome is.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Steve and Makia already said it wayyyy better than i could.
Way more damage was caused by this action as you were warned.
OrangeK - Be specific what is that "way more damage" you are talking about. And why does the DB counselor feels it is different?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
