Okay, so...this is complex, so I'll try to make this as easy as I can, but like I said...it's complex.
Key === W = well, you know who this is N1 = toxic person, h of N2. Also cousin of F and happens to be a cop N2 = toxic person, w of N1 F = a friend of mine, cousin of N1
After W left, and I started to try to GAL, I met F. Yes, female, but just friends. She happens to be the cousin of N1.
N1/N2 are W's "best friends in the whole world", and W and N2 have a side business together.
F has had a really bad life, abused in many ways, definitely has issues. F told me about two days ago about N1 basically grilling her about our friendship. Basically trying to get her to give up information about whether there was a thing with us or not. She has stated over and over again to them that we are just friends.
F, despite being family, has always been targeted by both N1/N2 for no clear reason.
Since N1/N2 have been focusing attention on F, W has been a bit more approachable, almost caring with me.
W also has a past history of severe emotional and physical abuse spanning most of her childhood and even into young adulthood.
Today I've learned that W had stopped working with N2 for some time due to "drama", which I knew about, but W never said what that was about other than "negativity, drama"...but another friend who knows W and also has known N1/N2 for about 15 years that W said AT THE TIME SHE STOPPED WORKING WITH N2 that she quit because they were constantly pressuring her to leave me, and she wasn't okay with that. She wasn't terribly happy, however she wanted to focus on not losing me. Apparently this has gone on for over two years now, almost non-stop.
N1 appears to be trying to use police interrogation tactics to manipulate F into giving him info to give to W in an effort to push W farther away from me.
Basically...I don't think W is in control of the situation at all...I think N1/N2 are pressuring her into this because they don't like me, simply because I don't play their drama games. Never have. They have always been really creepy to me.
I know it's convoluted. But given what they are doing to F (literally pushing her out of the family, which they know means more to F than anything else in the world, simply for being friends with me), it's obvious that they are very manipulative, controlling, and downright abusive...and they'll do it to their own family.
Both W and F are easy targets for NPD people...and both have been in the past.
Someone with NPD would use that to their advantage to basically build up their own narcissistic supply, at the cost of whatever as long as it isn't their own feelings about themselves.
Given what I've learned today, it's ENTIRELY plausible that either N1 or N2 have NPD, have attempted to discard me because I don't supply them with anything, and at some point down the road would absolutely discard W as well...which she won't see coming. And by then, I'll be long gone because I'm not useful. Nor is F. Nor is W.
I think that N1/N2 are basically willing to abuse anyone to get what they want...and in this case, they are using W as a proxy to get rid of me.
mac, your wife is a grown woman. Sorry, but you can misplace your anger and blame at N1 and N2 if that makes you feel better. But it is just like trying to blame an OM, it doesn't work. If N1/N2 got your W to leave, then something else would have eventually if they hadn't.
So don't focus on N1/N2. They are outside of your sphere of control.
Do you know where your sphere of control stops? With you! So continue to focus on your changes.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
That also explains why W is only barely responding to DB techniques, or responding the exact opposite of what they would normally do...
Also why she doesn't respond at all unless someone other than her is their target.
This is very dangerous thinking. First here is no "they would normally do...."
DBing isn't a guarantee of achieving certain behaviors from your W. NOTHING is. If you are DBing simply to get your W to respond in certain ways then you are a) doing it wrong and b) in for disappointment.
DBing is first and foremost about YOU. GAL helps you to keep your mind off of the sitch. 180ing lets you learn and grow from your sitch. Detachment helps you be okay with whatever your W chooses. DBing also has a side effect that SOMETIMES it will cause the WAS to decide "Hmmmm, something is up, something is different, something has changed, LBS is behaving differently" and it might pique their interest to find out more.
Foundational rule of DBing is YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOUR WAS. If you use DBing as a control method you will not be successful because you are doing it with the wrong intention.
Also, the reason that DBing often feels counter-intuitive is, first it is the opposite of what you would do (which is why it can be intriguing to the WAS). But also if you are doing it for the wrong reasons then you will always feel like it is the wrong approach!
Also, you have no idea if your DBing is having an effect on your W. Just because she isn't responding the way you want, or as quickly as you want, doesn't mean it having no impact. That is also dangerous thinking because, it too, will undermine your efforts.
So get out of your head. It doesn't matter if your W is being led by the nose by N1/N2, an OM, a religious cult, or by the devil himself! It doesn't impact what you should be doing to prepare yourself for whatever the final outcome might be.
I hope this helps blackmac. We see a lot of newbies make the same mistakes and it can be frustrating because we know they'd be better off sticking strictly to DBing principles.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I completely agree. Just because I'm seeing this, doesn't mean I'm stopping my DB efforts. If nothing else, I'm more certain that this is what I need to be doing, and I need to be sticking to it.
If nothing else, it just helps me understand what happened in a more clear way. I know that W wasn't happy, but I also know now that she actually did care enough to try to fight for me...at least back then.
I don't want to put too much stock into it, because I know that was BEFORE, and now the situation requires DB and not "controlling". I'm aware completely that I can't control anyone other than myself...but I am choosing to use this as information that helps me stay focused on my efforts to work on myself.
I've always been a bit rebellious, but generally not in unhealthy ways. I know that somewhere inside W has doubts, or had them at some point, about this. As long as she has doubt, then I stand a better chance. And the harder her friends push her, the more I want to make sure I do this right.
I have to be patient. This, of course, defies my instincts, which honestly say "these people have taken over your family, fight back". But I know that if I am not patient, I will completely mess this up.
It's knowing how to fight the battles that makes the difference.
And I believe what I've seen and heard from this board. I believe that this is the correct way to fight this battle.
Sorry, I know some of my posts sound like I'm completely ignoring things...I'm not. Just thinking out loud, trying to write thoughts out so I can process them better.
Just listen to what Steve has said. DB is for you, you can not control your W. Detach, start doing things for yourself. And remember that all this is a marathon, time is on your side.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
The unexpected happened, and now it's the unknown.
I went to town to get away from the house for a while this afternoon. I decided to wait until after her normal pickup time for S so I didn't have to be around her.
I called the sitter to see if he had been picked up...he had, but about the time I received the text this morning. According to the sitter, she was panicked, ran in, grabbed S, even left his shoes behind, and left. She didn't say what was up, but said that she would let her know later.
That's about the same time I got the text.
Something is insanely off. This doesn't feel right at all.
I get it...things aren't normal...but this is way, way not normal.
