Steve85, I think you need to read some of sandi2's post regarding my situation. I cannot stand my ground and at the same time not listen to what she says. I have already mentioned, my situation is very different Unlike many other situations in this forum. My wife has lost out of love and trust and felt unloved. She has exaggerated quite a bit. But it is what it is. Although WAW, she needs to be heard and listened to. She cannot simply take me as her husband at this time as her heard doesnt allow. She only wants to accept me as her friend. At the same time, she has missed me too much. The No Contact in my case created more apathy rather than bridging the gap as I did not attempt to contact her. That is exactly what sandi2 mentioned in some of her posts as i didnt allow her to talk or listen due to my ego issues.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Steve85, I think you need to read some of sandi2's post regarding my situation. I cannot stand my ground and at the same time not listen to what she says. I have already mentioned, my situation is very different Unlike many other situations in this forum. My wife has lost out of love and trust and felt unloved. She has exaggerated quite a bit. But it is what it is. Although WAW, she needs to be heard and listened to. She cannot simply take me as her husband at this time as her heard doesnt allow. She only wants to accept me as her friend. At the same time, she has missed me too much. The No Contact in my case created more apathy rather than bridging the gap as I did not attempt to contact her. That is exactly what sandi2 mentioned in some of her posts as i didnt allow her to talk or listen due to my ego issues.
I dont think anyone ever told you to IGNORE her, but you need to understand the difference between DETACHING and IGNORING.
try re reading the 37 rules and looking at them from a different view, look at it as though it was your best friend and his wife, not you and yours. Follow the advice you would unbiased give to a close friend. try to disconnect your personal feelings and look at it surgically.
I know i tell a lot of people to read my sitch, its because i failed on so many of the rules, and you can see where that got me.
I spent the better part of 2 weeks disagreeing with the advice i was getting here, and all it did was cause me to backslide into deep depression.
Its easy to feel your sitch is unique and different, when in reality they are all somewhat the same, but none are identical. Yours does not seem altogether too much different than others here.
I agree with Steve, the path you are on is a path to destruction IMHO.
Step back, breathe, take a second look and re-evaluate.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I understand your points of view. However, like you pointed out, not all cases and stitches are identical. I do believe that my wife is somewhat manipulative. But at the same time she is truthful. Look, I have been dark and barely in contact (Never initiated a conversation with her) since March 2nd week. This DID NOT WORK in my situation. She did Miss me and had pains in her, but caused more apathy to her. She is still in a large dilemma. She simply cannot make up her mind. Why would she roam around my marital home 4 to 5 days after i vacated. She misses that home. She misses living with me. By the way, this is true that she did. So yes, she could be manipulative, but I will strongly mention my point of view without begging or pleading. I will see what she says. No Contact didn't work. What else have i got to lose?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
NC is not some magical pill. The whole point of NC is to give the LBS space and start making meaningful changes to themselves. Your W is not the only manipulative person and actually most WW and WAWs are. Your situation is not unique - my W also told me she felt unloved etc etc.
You're trying to find a magical solution and there isn't one. Pursuit is going to make it all worse.
NC also doesn't mean ignoring. It means attending to matters of business only, in a pleasant and assertive way.
Apathy can turn into curiosity and mystery for her if you give NC enough time and make changes within yourself.
First step - stop thinking your situation is unique, it's not. Leave the situation alone and only engage for matters that need to be discussed.
No I am not trying to find any magical solution here. I will tell you this. Woman have a stubborn pride which makes them to say manipulative things. All i am saying is soon after the separation, No Contact is the first choice. That is the foundation step. Once they are left alone for a while, they will definitely miss the LBH. However, If the LBH does not connect again, the relationship will fade away as time goes by or creates negative illusions in the WAW mindset where she thinks this guy is gone for good. Mine was a SSM marraige. The only way for me to get her back is to show true affection after No contact / Going Dark. While I was living with her, she had read an article which clearly pointed out about the LBH pursuing the WAW. I think she has this in her mind. I am not saying this may work. But something that needs to be thought of.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/27/1807:59 AM. Reason: links removed
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
I personally think the advice by that site is not worth the page it's written on. For a SSM situation, you need real help. But that can't happen until both of you are invested in the MR. You can't get invested in the MR until she wants you back and that you have made serious changes.
If pursuing her brings you to a place where she wants to invest in the MR, then I am all for it. It will likely inflame already existing issues.
You cannot show true affection and have it received as such until the other person is ready. Trying to short circuit that just results in more disrespect. Sometimes you need to leave things alone and take the time and patience to ground yourself. She needs to get beyond her anger for her to even 'hear' you, forget 'listen' to you.
True affection after going NC/Dark just looks psychotic. How can you go from that to being affectionate? There are lots of steps in between that need to happen. You can't skip those.
Your game plan should be NC/Dark, GAL, and working on yourself with an IC for SSM. You need to leave her alone for her to figure herself out.
I read and watch all these videos. Your W is not your Ex. And these fellas aren't marriage experts.
Neither are we. But we have all experienced BD. We have all walked thru the fire, especially those giving you advice. Yes every Sitch is different but the WW and WAW mindset has similarities and the one thing that they both need is space and time. You are becoming impatient.
But the one thing I have learned that all LBS has to try one last thing, even me. They all say, "what do I have to lose". After they try what they thought, they come back and say. "This is what happened, what now". And its exactly what most people on this forum says what would happen.
Good luck, your sitch might have a different outcome. I hope so.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
They all say, "what do I have to lose". After they try what they thought, they come back and say. "This is what happened, what now". And its exactly what most people on this forum says what would happen.
Here is the think guys. I know you are all giving me precious advice. My wife read my hidden letter which had all my heart felt feelings. So she knows I am a pursuer. At the same time she wants to be pursued. At this time, I may be talking too much about her but I am also GALing. And I am minding my own business mostly. The one thing that sandi2 pointed earlier in my posts is that I too have some ego and pride of not handling talks with her appropriately. My wife was very fearful when i said last time that I want to cut off communications with her completely. She may have manipulated me by showing some concern again. Yes she is still angry. She may take extreme steps. But at this time, I feel i am more emotionally stronger to handle the conversations than I was 6 months ago. Lets see where this leads! If it doesn't work like you all mentioned, I will go back to my usual NC / Dark rule.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
