Thank you so much AJM, Tad, Andrew, Pax Luv, DnJ, kml and Westo for your kind and gentle words. They warm my heart. Andrew, i might or might not regret this decision but i said yes to ex- h to attend. The truth is he will be there to support our children as all 6 of us( me, my brothers and sisters ) will be fully involved in the ceremony. From opening it with the honouring walk while holding the cross and " cierges"( candles ), to readings and psaulm etc. We are doing it all in honour of our mom. It will be hard but it will be BEAUTIFUL and something each and everyone will carry in their hearts, including my children!
Also, ex-h will take care of D22' s ride from North Bay to Quebec and back. I will take care of S19 and his gf. from Timmins to Quebec and back. Ex-h just saved me an 8 hour drive
I am so sorry for your loss...but I am glad you were able to be there for her. She could feel the love all around her and she will always be with you and your family.
Please take care of yourself during this time of sorrow.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today is brother-in-law' s burial in Palmarolle, Que. The entire family will attend.
Tomorrow, i got to go to work for the day, pick up Son and gf in the evening and work the morning on Sunday. Then, it is straight to Quebec for my mom.
I feel strong. I am visualizing Monday to prepare myself. I want this day to be beautiful and loving just like she was.
I agree with DnJ (as usual). I think it's a wonderful sign of your strength and love for your mom that you allow your exH to be there. If only we could all focus on something more important ALL the time, we would not freak out in the presence of our spouses. I just love how your love for your mom is so powerful that it overwhelms everything else, like the sun of your love for your mom and your knowing that your kids need your exH next to the lightbulb of your anxiety about your exH. I hope that this will continue to bring out all your best selves, including your exH's. There is so much love radiating in your posts about this, it is powerful. Your grief will be hard but the rest will carry you.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I wasn' t going to post but i realise that i can help others by sharing how i got through this...
Sunday, me and Daughters were able to get off work at lunchtime so we made it in Quebec just in time to welcome everyone who attended the wake. 3 out of 4 aunts were able to come. In the evening, her Godson( who we concidere another brother of ours)from Florida made appearance. We were sooo surprised and happy beyond words. I never expected this! Shortly before, another one of my cousins ( whom i have not seen since childhood) showed up. My joy was sky high!! Many old neighbours, friends and family attended.
Monday, my anxiety was felt in a low key. At thr first sign of it, i concentrated on my prior joy of being surrounded by so many loved ones. I also tried to reverse the table. It must be 100 times harder for ex-h to find the courage of facing all of those people who LOVE all of us.
Me, my brothers and sisters were ask to go to the church to get directives for the ceremony. I suddenly got a tap on my shoulder. D22 jumped in my arms. As we hugged, my 2 brothers shook hands with ex-h. To my surprise, ex-h opened his arms to me to give his condoleances. I hugged him, thank him and turned my attention back to D22. She says: " look, we bought flowers! " ( in a vase ). Me: oh wow.. thanks.. i' ll put them in the car. We are done in the church. Let' s go join everybody.
Ex-h was right behind us. I looked at him and said: " the children will sit with you. Us, my mother' s children, are taking parts in the ceremony. Me, Jack and Gerry are opening and closing it. I have to sit up front along with my sisters.
Ex-h agreed.
Once we walked in the hall, everyone came to greet D22 and ex-h With a hug and a kiss. Many people thanked ex-h for his presence and kindness. They made him feel welcome as if he never left 10 years ago.
Within 15 min. of their arrival, we had to move to the church.
I was the " holder of the cross and the guide for my 2 brothers on my side " i was first in line, followed by my brothers, and then, my mother. I was a bit teary but i stood tall and proud. My 2 sisters read and my third one did the honnouring speech. Now, we all got emotional. There was laughs, tears but above all love and pride of being in such close and loving family. At the end of the ceremony, i once again stood tall and walked to the back with my brothers and my mom. I cried as my mother passed by us. and continued to cry while thanking everyone who walked by. Kissed each of my children as they walked by and stayed there until everyone left the church.
When i made my way back to my children, i approached ex-h and told him that next was the cemetary followed by a lunch at the hall we used to rent for our X-mas parties. D22 said they were leaving and ex-h turned to her and said: Don' t you want to bring your flowers to your grandma?
( to my surprise, they were not for me. Lol ) I said: " yes, come. All 4 of yous can lay them by her.
They did. Now, D22 sais: we have to leave. He has another 8 hours of driving. I said to ex-h: you are more then welcome to join us. No matter what, you' ll have to eat. Might as well be with the children.
He agreed.
I did not seat by him. I had my nephiew on one side and D18 and D22 on the other. Next to her was ex-h. Across the table, there was Son' s gf, son and D15 followed by my sister Solange.
Lunch over, D22 get up and says, now, we' re really leaving. I got up, hugged and kissed her. Told her i would text her before we leave saturday. ( we are going appartment hunting in North Bay for D18) While we did this, ex-h got up and walked the other way so i sat back down with nephew and told my children to go give their hugs and goobyes to their dad. I let them be.
I have not heard a peep from ex-h since. D22 however has sent us a group message saying : " dad followed the speed limit the whole way and stopped many time. Weird! "
I answered: " he probably has alot on his mind since he was welcomed with open arms and threated with love and respect from my whole family"
D22 says: " yeah! You' re probably right! "
We got back home a little pass super time. Son and gf gathered their stuff and made our way to Timmins. Got home late.
Today, the usual routine is back.
I feel good. I am a bit tired but i am at peace. And for that, i am thankful!
thank you Job. Xox