WW in MLC in need of advice-Part 2

[Natash]

Well the party went well and was a hit. The weather, food,friends and pool was great!

On a different note, WW has kicked it up a notch today via texts and I believe she is hurt that she was not invited to the party. This afternoon while working I got a text
WW: D5 has a dentist appointment at 4:30, do you want me to bring her?

Tomorrow is my day with the girls so I simply respond "no".

WW: No...thank you?
I guess answering her question with a simple no answer was not polite enough.
Ww: You know this whole time apart has made this/us worse. You comment the other day was you weren't looking for us to get back together. This isn't making me feel what I'm missing or wanting to come back. Instead it's the complete opposite.

The comment she is referring to is my response to her "this isn't how you work on getting someone back" and I agreed and said that's not what I'm looking for (I need her to show remorse and work to come back, not the other way around and me get her back)

So I'm at work and can tell she wants to get into a text convo which would lead to a R discussion. I almost responded "I'm sorry that you feel that way" but held off and wanted to bounce it off the board. So just recently get a text:

WW: I think maybe we should figure out maybe being done.

Ww:I don't see this going anywhere.

I haven't responded for a few reasons. One this is a night the girls are with her and she should be focused on them. Getting into a R talk when they are awake is not fair to them. I also want to come across strong and confident and in a way that she sees I'm letting her go. I don't believe divorce is the answer but I'm not going to help her with it nor stop her.

Do I hold off and respond after the girls are in bed or ignore the text as it does not have a question?

I feel she wants to express her feelings and is still having a difficult time starting an adult mature conversation telling me how she feels so she does it with these quick texts here and there.

[Natash]

Well the party went well and was a hit. The weather, food,friends and pool was great!

On a different note, WW has kicked it up a notch today via texts and I believe she is hurt that she was not invited to the party. This afternoon while working I got a text
WW: D5 has a dentist appointment at 4:30, do you want me to bring her?

Tomorrow is my day with the girls so I simply respond "no".

WW: No...thank you?
I guess answering her question with a simple no answer was not polite enough.
Ww: You know this whole time apart has made this/us worse. You comment the other day was you weren't looking for us to get back together. This isn't making me feel what I'm missing or wanting to come back. Instead it's the complete opposite.

The comment she is referring to is my response to her "this isn't how you work on getting someone back" and I agreed and said that's not what I'm looking for (I need her to show remorse and work to come back, not the other way around and me get her back)

So I'm at work and can tell she wants to get into a text convo which would lead to a R discussion. I almost responded "I'm sorry that you feel that way" but held off and wanted to bounce it off the board. So just recently get a text:

WW: I think maybe we should figure out maybe being done.

Ww:I don't see this going anywhere.

I haven't responded for a few reasons. One this is a night the girls are with her and she should be focused on them. Getting into a R talk when they are awake is not fair to them. I also want to come across strong and confident and in a way that she sees I'm letting her go. I don't believe divorce is the answer but I'm not going to help her with it nor stop her.

Do I hold off and respond after the girls are in bed or ignore the text as it does not have a question?

I feel she wants to express her feelings and is still having a difficult time starting an adult mature conversation telling me how she feels so she does it with these quick texts here and there.

[Vanilla]

This isn't appropriate by text in my view.

V

[Natash]

I responded "First off, thank you for telling me how you feel. Secondly, if this conversation needs to continue I will not participate via text. I feel it is best to address the above statements in person without the children being present.

WW just responded "that's fine, you made it clear that you didn't want me back if you feel we should discuss this let me know"

[HelenaJ]

If your end objective is to reconcile, I certainly cant tell from what youve written here. You sound cold to me and as though you are perceiving yourself to be in a one up position in response to her showing signs wanting to have a R talk.

[arsh18]

Being detached vs cold is so hard to decipher, I actually thought Natash was doing well, by being just in his own world but I am a newbie, have made and making same mistakes.
May be the text was a tad bit long Natash, I know you are trying to validate but may be it is better to just say politely enough that you rather not do this via text?
Just my thoughts..

[HelenaJ]

I am by no means a veteran poster either.
A big parallel here is to treat them like a cashier, pleasant.
I dont think I would be inclined to keep talking to a cashier that was speaking to me that way, I didnt sense any friendliness at all honestly but I am also on the sensitive side.
My comments also took into consideration some of the things you said Natash that werent said directly to her, for instance when she should and should not be sending texts im very sensitive to that kind of oversight.
Unless she has a history of neglecting her kids, its a little excessive in my opinion and makes it sound like you are seeing yourself in a one up position.

[Natash]

If your end objective is to reconcile, I certainly cant tell from what youve written here. You sound cold to me and as though you are perceiving yourself to be in a one up position in response to her showing signs wanting to have a R talk.

Thank you for your observation, I did not realize and do not want to sound cold. I've struggled with NGS in the past and wanted to come across as brief and to the point. I want to reconcile only if and when she ends the affair and shows some remorse. I feel like I'm doing well with detatching and every advise I've read says stay clear of R talks.

[Natash]

Being detached vs cold is so hard to decipher.... I know you are trying to validate but may be it is better to just say politely enough that you rather not do this via text?
Just my thoughts..

Yes it's hard to decipher and sometimes hard not to act cold when being detatched. As far as the texts go, I can't win because she continued texting (even after my last message stating it would be best in person because texts can be taken or deciphered in different ways).

The last message stated there is nothing to talk about:
"I don't think there's anything to discuss after the 16 plus talks we have had already and after your recent display in front of them again that you don't want me back.

IF you felt differently then we would've had our daughters bday party TOGETHER.. but he didn't want that."

I started to respond and then said nope, I've already told her this should continue in person and I need to stick to what I said.

The "16+" conversations was more like 6 until I realized what persuing was and stopped initiating all R talks. Keep in mind that was several months ago and before our physical separation. I take that comment as she has no interest in talking about herself to me and what she has learned or we have felt or learned, etc. All this is coming from a mom who the night before our D5s birthday party told D7 she was at OM house watching a movie. Now because she chose to step out from the MR and separate my life with her and my life with my kids Im the bad guy for not wanting her back and having a party together?! I call that cake enough and I've had enough of that from her.

So how do I continue on detatching/dropping the rope AND keep an open line of communication available? I believe a big hurdle my WW has is talking about her feelings to me and if she starts telling me her feelings I think it is a step in the right direction...am I wrong?

[NicoleR]

Natash, I didn't successfully reconcile with my husband when he returned the first time so I'm not an expert in this area. I'm curious to see how your situation plays out because you're taking a strong approach and your wife is probably a bit surprised by how you're speaking to her now compared to previous times. She probably didn't expect when she left that she might not be welcome back. Or maybe she didn't think about it at all and now she's surprised that she wasn't invited to the party and your texts have a cold tone. All I can say is if I were in your shoes, I'd do whatever puts your daughters' best interest first. The best outcome for them would likely be two parents who reunite and love each again as husband and wife, but we all know that your wife would have to want that as much as you and work towards proving herself again. Currently it seems you and your wife are both not sure if you want that.

One mistake that I feel I made when my husband returned the first time was talking about how much work it would take to fix our relationship. I didn't really accept my husband's apology and I kept punishing him when he came back while I waited for him to show true remorse and work to fix everything. Now I know all this approach did was create tension and further resentment. You have an opportunity to hear to avoid the mistakes that many others have made. It's worth taking your time to think about what actually happens during the reconciliation process and whether you really want to go through it. It's both a blessing and a curse because you dreamed to have your wife back but you also don't trust her at all during the early stages.

If you and your wife want to try again, and remember many of us dream to be in your shoes where your spouse reaches a turning point and may be considering reconciliation, it seems conversations might be best focused on re-connecting in general at first. You two could have lunch to talk about your kids' accomplishments, funny things they've done, the great hobbies you've been pursuing since she left and how you're doing much better now, stuff happening with mutual friends and in the community, etc.. You could always switch gears and say you don't think either of you are in a position to get back together right now nor divorce, so you prefer to see how it goes by just spending time together as a family, for your daughters' sake, and perhaps lunch once a week alone to talk in person instead of all the texts. Perhaps removing the pressure and seeing if the interest is there on both sides based on light conversation and body language might be helpful. Maybe your wife will really want to talk about the relationship and you can always listen and consider what she has to say without making any decisions at this stage.

I agree you shouldn't entertain cake eating behavior nor should you allow yourself to be trapped or guilted by your wife after all that she's done. That's so unfair when someone who walks away tries to make you the bad person or takes advantage of you. It requires a lot of emotional intelligence and a delicate approach trying to navigate communication with your wife at this stage. I really do hope it goes well and she does the right thing to win you back. It would be amazing if you could be a family again someday.