That makes a lot of sense. I am definitely trying. The pictures honestly didn't shock me at all, but her posting them openly did.
I completely expect her to keep acting out. I'm still doing the GAL thing (in fact, I made some new friends today and ended up randomly hanging out with them the entire day, and it was a blast).
I think that detaching for me is really difficult because I cared so much, got blindsided, and then everything just fell apart. It was a huge amount of crap within a very short period of time.
But I think you're right. While I'm trying to detach, I'm only doing it kind of...not 100% yet.
I'm not sure at all how long it will take. I'm getting better, but it's taking what feels like an eternity.
I'm about to have a talk with all of the friends/family and request that they do not, under any circumstances, send me any information about her, her stupidity, or anything else. It's just too much to handle, and I can't detach if I keep getting steamrolled over and over again. I know that they mean well, but it's just too difficult, and seems to be derailing what I'm trying to do, which is DB the hell out of this.
I know I've been really mixed up about everything. I know that I tend to make a lot of DB mistakes. I wish there was a big reset button for everything.
blackmac, we ALL make mistakes in DBing. There have been very few that do it perfectly. One thing to note, those that have done it very well are usually very successful in attracting back their spouse. Every setback does hurt your chances.
But setbacks are in the past. All you can do is resolve to do better from this point forward. That is what DBing is about. Picking yourself back up by your bootstraps and going back to work.
I feel like you and OrangeK are in similar situations. Very dangerous situations. Where the WW is attempting to provoke you into doing something that will get you more permanently out of their hair. Don't take the bait.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I made a post on my Facebook asking all of my friends and family to kindly knock off sending/telling me stuff about W. I know the mean well...but I can't keep getting hurt over and over and expect to get anywhere with DB at all.
So to the friends/fam, it looks like I'm just done with the entire thing. Which is good, because I need them to chill.
Meanwhile, I'm still just gonna do my GAL stuff and completely distance myself from W (except for dealing with S) and see if I can make any kind of progress at all by just backing off totally.
Just for reference, here's the text of my request to everyone. Sharing because maybe someone else could use help figuring out what to say if they're in this situation (slight edits for forum):
Everyone,
I know you have all been supportive and well-meaning with all of the drama going on with W. But going forward, I do not wish to see any pictures, screenshots, texts, or anything at all about her or what she is up to. I know that there are things happening that I don't like, and that may (or may not) be relevant to the divorce, however I cannot continue to see/hear/be involved in any of them if I honestly expect to recover from this.
Again, I appreciate the support, however I can't heal when I keep hearing about her behavior.
The bottom line is this: I want to be the best dad that I can be for S, and I want to stick with my plan. I can't afford to keep getting derailed.
I would recommend that if you are friends with W, consider unfriending either her or I. I would hate to see you go, however it's in the best interest of S and my mental, physical, and emotional health if I am not exposed to anything else, and I won't take it personally. Most of you have my phone number, and I can be reached there. If you don't have it, and would like to say hello, it's (withheld). Just because we aren't friends on Facebook doesn't mean we aren't friends.
Unfortunately, I cannot just deactivate my Facebook account because of the pages related to my website, band, and other things that I have to keep running. If not for those things, I would just log off for a while.
I want you all to know that I truly appreciate the support and friendship you have shown me. But I can't keep going down this path of feeling better and then getting hurt repeatedly. It's best if I detach.
I will do my best to cut out the posts about it. I tend to use Facebook like a journal, but honestly...I just need a break. I need to take some time for myself, focus on the things I can control, and stop thinking about the things I can't.
I think this is a good move, mac. It is hard to detach if you are constantly being told of her doings. Social media has destroyed many marriage, and thwarted many DBing efforts.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
After my long text and my post requesting that people leave me alone...something happened today.
I had a dr appt, so I went to that. When I got home, I came upstairs and got a shower. While I was in the shower, W came to pick up S from the sitter. I didn't realize that.
I went down, saw her car, and I just got in my car and left to take care of some business around town. I didn't stick around to talk, and only looked to see if she was near the car so I could wait till she was gone. I left before she got out of the sitter's apartment.
A few minutes later, she called. I let it ring a few times, and then I answered. I expected her to try to start a fight.
She asked if I was planning on going to S appt tomorrow. I reminded her that she never told me when it was. She pointed out that I could always call the dr and ask (which I had already done, but didn't tell her that I did). I told her that I was. She let me know that the dr had moved the appt to later in the day, and she wouldn't be able to make it because she has work in the afternoon, and she asked if I would take him to the appointment...which I had planned to do when I set up the previous appt that she moved.
I told her that I would take him. She asked if I would be home in the morning so she could drop him off, I told her "I should be."
She then asked me very politely if I would please be there. So I said that I would.
I told her that for him, I would always be willing to get him to the doctor, with or without her, because he comes first.
She texted me the times of the appointment. I said "Excellent. Thank you for the reminder. Have a great evening, and I'll see you in the morning."
I get the feeling that someone must have sent her a screenshot of my post about not wanting to know anything that she's doing. It feels like she's reaching out because she is losing control over me, and she knows it. Which is amusing in a way.
She always knew I'd be there for her. But with me being away from home most of last week, and then me leaving today without trying to talk to her or even look at her (and the fact that you can totally hear my shower from downstairs, and being the middle of the day...), it feels like she's trying to very sneakily figure out what I'm up to.
I still wonder what she's up to, but I'm really trying to do the "I don't care what she's doing" thing. And I mean it. I'm focusing more on detaching than I have in the past. I started taking my ADHD meds again today so that I can focus on things I need to be doing. Honestly, the meds improved my mood dramatically once they kicked in.
I'm considering going out to karaoke tonight, although I have to get up at a decent time tomorrow to take S to the doctor, so that might not happen. Plus, if I go out and she's there...I'll probably just get angry that she's taking the night off (again) to have fun, and just doesn't want to have to get up super early. It's speculation, sure, but it's a thing she's done before.
I am doing what I can to be careful. Which brings me to today's update.
I took S to his appointment today alone. W said she had a meeting out of town.
I set up the next appointment. At her request, I texted her the time/date. She texted back "Thank you. I'll be taking him my myself. Will you respect my wishes and stay in town?"
I haven't replied yet.
I spoke to an acquaintance who is neutral that works with W, just to confirm the meeting (since I didn't really believe her, considering that she wasn't in uniform and came back with new sunglasses). He confirmed, it was actually a company picnic. There's a chance it was mandatory for her to be there, but I wasn't told one way or the other.
And then the friend said that he understood that I was only confirming for S's well-being...and then he told me that he knew her slanderous friends well before they met W and I. He said they have been pushing her to leave me for a couple of years now, and W even stopped working with them to try to fix our R. But somehow she decided to go back to being friends with them.
Fast forward to today. The husband of that pair of "friends" is now harassing his cousin (a friend of mine) trying to get her to confess to being "more than friends" with me. He's a police office...so he's trained on how to manipulate people to extract information. She messaged me about it, screenshots of what he was saying...(yeah, my friends don't always listen...but since this wasn't about what W was doing, and it's something that's hurting my friend's family, she needed to vent to me), he was playing the "your friend already told me everything, so we know what happened, we just want your side" card against her.
By the way, this friend has been severely emotionally, mentally, verbally, and physically abused in her life, so she's really having a difficult time with this.
What I believe is that had these two toxic friends of W not ever been involved, this may never have happened. And now I'm seeing from MULTIPLE sources that they have pretty much orchestrated this entire thing.
They're trying to manipulate my friend. They've manipulated W.
In the past, they tried to even buy my friendship with gifts, but I never could get close because something just didn't feel right about them.
Once they saw they couldn't manipulate me...they changed.
I will never know why...but at least I believe that I've identified the main catalyst in this whole thing.
