Expers Please Help!!! Walk Away Spouse after 6 yrs

[SteveLW]

You put too much stock into her words. Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.

Look, do what you want, but as I told another DBer in their thread, 99.9999% of LBHs that pursue and pressure end up D. If you do DBing perfectly it still is only a 50/50 chance. 50% > .0001%, though which is why DBing is much better than pursuit and pressure.

Good luck in your new life. I hope you can stick to your proclamation that you won't remain in contact after D, but I don't believe you will.

[Nutcrac]

The fact is i did No Contact for a long while and it didn't work. She took it otherwise. Manipullation or changing statements, she still has some feelimgs for me. But she is too stubnorn to let go off her ego. So i need to take a stand of stopping this divorce from my end. She can go ahead and refile divorce or do whatever the heck she wants. I will withdraw my consent as its not the right approach. I know she will go nuts mad at me and stuff. But that is the right way.

[SteveLW]

The fact is i did No Contact for a long while and it didn't work. She took it otherwise. Manipullation or changing statements, she still has some feelimgs for me. But she is too stubnorn to let go off her ego. So i need to take a stand of stopping this divorce from my end. She can go ahead and refile divorce or do whatever the heck she wants. I will withdraw my consent as its not the right approach. I know she will go nuts mad at me and stuff. But that is the right way.

I support that move. If you are against D then you should never be the one to file and do the work.

But I would suggest you keep DBing. GAL, 180s, detachment and being the spouse only a fool would leave.

Going Dark, or LRT is for a very specific set of circumstances. Lots of DBers confuse detachment with going dark. It isn't the same thing.

My original point was to NOT pursue, but to DB with the approach I mentioned, but not by going dark.

[sandi2]

The fact is i did No Contact for a long while and it didn't work.

What do you mean NC "didn't work"? What results were you expecting to see come from NC?

[Nutcrac]

The fact is i did No Contact for a long while and it didn't work.

What do you mean NC "didn't work"? What results were you expecting to see come from NC?

Sandi2,

Thanks for checking into my thread. My wife said during the last few months, she felt since i didn't contact that I have forgotten her as I had gone completely dark. In a way it worked for her to miss me very much. She Questioned me -
Where I was when she was roaming alone in ice cold snow winters? Where I was when she was sobbing profusely alone and going through difficult times?
where I was when I should have atleast asked if she was even dead or alive.
Even our mutual friends did not even contact and ask how she was doing. She thinks i stopped them due to selfish reasons so they dont get to know her side of story. She felt isolated and alone and was in pain when she spoke with me. It may be manipulative or not, but I really felt for her. She said for a long time to come she will be alone. She wanted me to send her my wedding card so she can hopefully move on in her life as well. Nevertheless she still wants to proceed with divorce on the July 6th. I have decided to withdraw my consent as its not the right thing to do. She may be belligerent, may take a TRO or curse me, I really don't care. I will simply withdraw my consent and love her from distance and pursue once in a while based on her moods. I will continue my GAL while she finds a new way to divorce me. Let me know your thoughts?

[SteveLW]

The fact is i did No Contact for a long while and it didn't work.

What do you mean NC "didn't work"? What results were you expecting to see come from NC?

Sandi2,

Thanks for checking into my thread. My wife said during the last few months, she felt since i didn't contact that I have forgotten her as I had gone completely dark. In a way it worked for her to miss me very much. She Questioned me -
Where I was when she was roaming alone in ice cold snow winters? Where I was when she was sobbing profusely alone and going through difficult times?
where I was when I should have atleast asked if she was even dead or alive.
Even our mutual friends did not even contact and ask how she was doing. She thinks i stopped them due to selfish reasons so they dont get to know her side of story. She felt isolated and alone and was in pain when she spoke with me. It may be manipulative or not, but I really felt for her. She said for a long time to come she will be alone. She wanted me to send her my wedding card so she can hopefully move on in her life as well. Nevertheless she still wants to proceed with divorce on the July 6th. I have decided to withdraw my consent as its not the right thing to do. She may be belligerent, may take a TRO or curse me, I really don't care. I will simply withdraw my consent and love her from distance and pursue once in a while based on her moods. I will continue my GAL while she finds a new way to divorce me. Let me know your thoughts?

My thoughts are that the only thing I agree with what you said was withdrawing your consent. Make her do the heavy work of the D.

You admit that she might be being manipulative. Then you go on to say "but I really felt for her." So you don't mind being manipulated.

She is contradicting herself ("I felt all alone. But I still want a divorce.") is because she is lying. She is not being honest with you. She may not even being honest with herself!

I fell nutcrac that if you continue on this path of letting her "feel for her" that you will end up D'd permanently. You shouldn't even have had this discussion with her!

Good luck man. If you want a chance to save your marriage (and understand it is only a chance) then you will listen to sandi.

[AnotherStander]

She read the letter and called me in a fit of rage. And went on about all the negative things in the letter. In the letter i mentioned that she had a personality defect that she cannot sense simple answers to explanations.

Whether you intended to or not, you blamed her for everything. You even went so far as to tell her she has a mental illness they may have caused everything. These were very damaging things to say. First we all would have told you not to give her that letter, second even if you decided to give it to her anyway it should have been an APOLOGY letter where you owned your mistakes.

I processed her words for a while and decided to call this quits. So i texted her saying that it would be our last conversation and after divorce its better to not be in contact. So we both can move on respective lives ahead.

If you decided to call it quits then why contact her at all? You are using every excuse you can to engage her when you should be leaving her alone. You are just applying constant, overwhelming pressure to her.

As soon as i said that, she became belligerent and defensive and shouting.

Probably because you are trying to be controlling and manipulative.

I disconnected the call and asked her to be peaceful so we can talk like adults and respectfully talk. Kept calling back and she was still belligerent.

Stop calling her.

Anyways,i feel my wife is now exhibiting a lot of narcissistic traits. By calling me a narcissist she just projected her narcissistic feelings towards me.

I disagree, she does not sound at all narcissistic. I don't think you do either although I get the impression you are very controlling which she may be confusing with narcissism.

i feel after listening to her yesterday i should withdraw my consent to dissolution and start pursuing her as she was left alone. And be strong and confident in my pursuit.

You are really all over the place. You said earlier in your post that you decided to call it quits, now you're going into full-blown pursuit mode? How do you think that makes you look to her? Wildly inconsistent at best.

I think you need a reset. This whole interaction was a bit of a disaster. Pull back and give her time and space. Study up on DB'ing, read the book again, read Cadet's links on the first page of your thread. Read Sandi's rules. Put it all into practice. Don't pick and choose what you want out of it, READ to UNDERSTAND.

[Nutcrac]

She read the letter and called me in a fit of rage. And went on about all the negative things in the letter. In the letter i mentioned that she had a personality defect that she cannot sense simple answers to explanations.

Whether you intended to or not, you blamed her for everything. You even went so far as to tell her she has a mental illness they may have caused everything. These were very damaging things to say. First we all would have told you not to give her that letter, second even if you decided to give it to her anyway it should have been an APOLOGY letter where you owned your mistakes.

I agree. The letter was not the best approach. But I had to convey feelings to her and had to pursue as we are looming in with court date in just 2 weeks. I wanted to know where she stood. I did mention good points and I did mention some of the bad things. They may not have been perfect. But I had to convey something. Interestingly she has checked a different letter that I had hid in my cupboard which had heartfelt feelings.

I processed her words for a while and decided to call this quits. So i texted her saying that it would be our last conversation and after divorce its better to not be in contact. So we both can move on respective lives ahead.

If you decided to call it quits then why contact her at all? You are using every excuse you can to engage her when you should be leaving her alone. You are just applying constant, overwhelming pressure to her.

If I say I called it quits, doesn't meant i can completely be done with it. Ya I called it quits because she had been demanding divorce since a long time. Now that I see she has feelings for me somewhere deep in her heart(Whether manipulative or not) she does want to live with me. I dont want to just give up like that. I will fight for her. She wanted me to do the same and instead I went Dark. That didnt work. Maybe should would have given some other lame excuse when I would be in touch with her. Now I am ready to face her wrath with my emotional strength that I have acquired. She does miss me. Unfortunately she has a callous and too much stubborn pride. I dont want divorce and then spoil the chances of reconciling later. I have conveyed this to her all along. She is not a WAYWARD. She is a WALK AWAY. I made mistakes, I keep doing mistakes, but I have come a long way since I was 6 months ago. From what I can see, her expectation from me is not to go NC, but do something else that lightens her heart. A bit of pursuit and show her love from distance. Complete NC or going Dark is not helping in my case.

As soon as i said that, she became belligerent and defensive and shouting.

Probably because you are trying to be controlling and manipulative.

Nothing I said was controlling or manipulative. I was just wishing her the best so we could part peacefully. However she does not want to cut off the relationship which is what I sensed from the call. She is hurt very bad and has a very stubborn ego and pride. I want that to be diffused as time goes by.

I disconnected the call and asked her to be peaceful so we can talk like adults and respectfully talk. Kept calling back and she was still belligerent.

Stop calling her.

I did.. But the disconnects helped as she mellowed down greatly and respected me. She did control her voice. If she straight away wanted divorce she could have manipulated by being too nice and indifferent and agreed for the last call. That is NOT WHAT SHE WANTS!!!

Anyways,i feel my wife is now exhibiting a lot of narcissistic traits. By calling me a narcissist she just projected her narcissistic feelings towards me.

I disagree, she does not sound at all narcissistic. I don't think you do either although I get the impression you are very controlling which she may be confusing with narcissism.

I could be controlling. But in the last few months I left her all by herself. I never bothered to ask her well being. Never contacted her, never even checked in on her. I went completely dark. She felt neglected and alone.

i feel after listening to her yesterday i should withdraw my consent to dissolution and start pursuing her as she was left alone. And be strong and confident in my pursuit.

You are really all over the place. You said earlier in your post that you decided to call it quits, now you're going into full-blown pursuit mode? How do you think that makes you look to her? Wildly inconsistent at best.

Like I said just because I called it quits,doesn't mean I am done with her. She has her own issues to deal with and I have mine. Initial days there was a lot of anger in me as well as her. I have mellowed down. At this point of time I am ready to go either way - With her or without her. I have nothing to loose. But what she wants is to be chased, being cared for and being loved. Not being left alone lonely and neglected. She has been very lonely, which I could see from her tone of voice.

I think you need a reset. This whole interaction was a bit of a disaster. Pull back and give her time and space. Study up on DB'ing, read the book again, read Cadet's links on the first page of your thread. Read Sandi's rules. Put it all into practice. Don't pick and choose what you want out of it, READ to UNDERSTAND.

I have pulled back enough. In the last 3 months I have had conversations with her only thrice. My only expectation was that she would accept the letter and move on and not fight back. That is not what she did. Look after divorce, I have no intention to pursue her. If anything at all it has to be before. She needs to learn that. She needs to understand. Her stubborn pride is not only causing self destruction on her part but destroying rest others as well. That is not how it needs to end. Since she has missed me enough, I will try and bridge the gaps slowly. and hopefully she will understand and come back. If not i will make her a fool to leave me. I have nothing to loose again. I am confident as ever. Even yesterday i think she fought back because of my confident tone that she had never heard from me all along. I feel i know that I am in control and this is one of the best feelings I have so far.
If she goes belligerent because I am withdrawing my consent, I don't give a damn. If she files a TRO, lodges a police complaint, I don't care. Let her do it. All I can say is, if we go by the book rule of DBing, It may not work perfect. If you are confident enough no matter what the outcome, I think your spouse would see it, which is what I have been doing. I don't give a damn to her BS. I still love her, I stand by it and I want her to take the all the tough steps to separate from me!

[SteveLW]

But I had to convey feelings to her and had to pursue as we are looming in with court date in just 2 weeks. I wanted to know where she stood. I did mention good points and I did mention some of the bad things. They may not have been perfect. But I had to convey something. Interestingly she has checked a different letter that I had hid in my cupboard which had heartfelt feelings.

Interesting choice of the word "had". No you didn't HAVE to. And even the hid in the cupboard is suspicious. Did you purposely hide it where you thought she'd find it?

If I say I called it quits, doesn't meant i can completely be done with it. Ya I called it quits because she had been demanding divorce since a long time. Now that I see she has feelings for me somewhere deep in her heart(Whether manipulative or not) she does want to live with me. I dont want to just give up like that. I will fight for her. She wanted me to do the same and instead I went Dark. That didnt work. Maybe should would have given some other lame excuse when I would be in touch with her. Now I am ready to face her wrath with my emotional strength that I have acquired. She does miss me. Unfortunately she has a callous and too much stubborn pride. I dont want divorce and then spoil the chances of reconciling later. I have conveyed this to her all along. She is not a WAYWARD. She is a WALK AWAY. I made mistakes, I keep doing mistakes, but I have come a long way since I was 6 months ago. From what I can see, her expectation from me is not to go NC, but do something else that lightens her heart. A bit of pursuit and show her love from distance. Complete NC or going Dark is not helping in my case.

Head in the sand my friend. She wants to live with you but she is still insisting on divorce?!? Listen to yourself! Pursuit is the fastest way to push a WAW out the door. Say goodbye if you choose pursuit.

Nothing I said was controlling or manipulative. I was just wishing her the best so we could part peacefully. However she does not want to cut off the relationship which is what I sensed from the call. She is hurt very bad and has a very stubborn ego and pride. I want that to be diffused as time goes by.

Those last two statements are the epitome of controlling and manipulative! "If only she wasn't so stubborn and prideful!" That is exactly want a controlling person says. "I want that to be diffused as time goes by." That might happen naturally one day, but I can tell you are going to try to "pursue" and "manipulate" that to happen on your timeline!

I could be controlling. But in the last few months I left her all by herself. I never bothered to ask her well being. Never contacted her, never even checked in on her. I went completely dark. She felt neglected and alone.

Admit it nutcrac, even your leaving her all by herself was a way to try to control her! You didn't do it to give her time and space for her, you did it to try to make her miss you!!

Like I said just because I called it quits,doesn't mean I am done with her. She has her own issues to deal with and I have mine. Initial days there was a lot of anger in me as well as her. I have mellowed down. At this point of time I am ready to go either way - With her or without her. I have nothing to loose. But what she wants is to be chased, being cared for and being loved. Not being left alone lonely and neglected. She has been very lonely, which I could see from her tone of voice.

Where are you getting that she wants to be chased??! Last I knew WAWs that demand divorce, the last thing they want is to be chased!!

I have pulled back enough. In the last 3 months I have had conversations with her only thrice. My only expectation was that she would accept the letter and move on and not fight back. That is not what she did. Look after divorce, I have no intention to pursue her. If anything at all it has to be before. She needs to learn that. She needs to understand. Her stubborn pride is not only causing self destruction on her part but destroying rest others as well. That is not how it needs to end. Since she has missed me enough, I will try and bridge the gaps slowly. and hopefully she will understand and come back. If not i will make her a fool to leave me. I have nothing to loose again. I am confident as ever. Even yesterday i think she fought back because of my confident tone that she had never heard from me all along. I feel i know that I am in control and this is one of the best feelings I have so far.
If she goes belligerent because I am withdrawing my consent, I don't give a damn. If she files a TRO, lodges a police complaint, I don't care. Let her do it. All I can say is, if we go by the book rule of DBing, It may not work perfect. If you are confident enough no matter what the outcome, I think your spouse would see it, which is what I have been doing. I don't give a damn to her BS. I still love her, I stand by it and I want her to take the all the tough steps to separate from me!

This is a very confusing paragraph. "I don't care what she chooses but I am going to pursue her!"

And finally nutcrac you talk about 3 months as if it is a long time. In most sitches 3 months is a blink of an eye. Good luck my friend you are going to need it. I fear you are going to create that which you fear. That is what pursuit and pressure of a WAW does.

[Nutcrac]

But I had to convey feelings to her and had to pursue as we are looming in with court date in just 2 weeks. I wanted to know where she stood. I did mention good points and I did mention some of the bad things. They may not have been perfect. But I had to convey something. Interestingly she has checked a different letter that I had hid in my cupboard which had heartfelt feelings.

Interesting choice of the word "had". No you didn't HAVE to. And even the hid in the cupboard is suspicious. Did you purposely hide it where you thought she'd find it?

Nope I did not. She somehow found my stuff.

If I say I called it quits, doesn't meant i can completely be done with it. Ya I called it quits because she had been demanding divorce since a long time. Now that I see she has feelings for me somewhere deep in her heart(Whether manipulative or not) she does want to live with me. I dont want to just give up like that. I will fight for her. She wanted me to do the same and instead I went Dark. That didnt work. Maybe should would have given some other lame excuse when I would be in touch with her. Now I am ready to face her wrath with my emotional strength that I have acquired. She does miss me. Unfortunately she has a callous and too much stubborn pride. I dont want divorce and then spoil the chances of reconciling later. I have conveyed this to her all along. She is not a WAYWARD. She is a WALK AWAY. I made mistakes, I keep doing mistakes, but I have come a long way since I was 6 months ago. From what I can see, her expectation from me is not to go NC, but do something else that lightens her heart. A bit of pursuit and show her love from distance. Complete NC or going Dark is not helping in my case.

Head in the sand my friend. She wants to live with you but she is still insisting on divorce?!? Listen to yourself! Pursuit is the fastest way to push a WAW out the door. Say goodbye if you choose pursuit.

My stitch is a unique situation unlike majority of the situation in the forum. See some of the quotes by Sandi2. You will know that this is a different situation. We both are emotionally attached. The issue is the pride in both of us causing us to live apart without responding.

Nothing I said was controlling or manipulative. I was just wishing her the best so we could part peacefully. However she does not want to cut off the relationship which is what I sensed from the call. She is hurt very bad and has a very stubborn ego and pride. I want that to be diffused as time goes by.

Those last two statements are the epitome of controlling and manipulative! "If only she wasn't so stubborn and prideful!" That is exactly want a controlling person says. "I want that to be diffused as time goes by." That might happen naturally one day, but I can tell you are going to try to "pursue" and "manipulate" that to happen on your timeline!

This is my feeling. I did not tell her that she has stubborn pride. Of course just because I say she has stubborn pride does not mean that I am controlling and manipulative. I need to stand my ground here by showing optimism and strong behavior. I simply dont want to give her divorce because she thinks I want it and am easily helping her by giving her hidden consent.

I could be controlling. But in the last few months I left her all by herself. I never bothered to ask her well being. Never contacted her, never even checked in on her. I went completely dark. She felt neglected and alone.

Admit it nutcrac, even your leaving her all by herself was a way to try to control her! You didn't do it to give her time and space for her, you did it to try to make her miss you!!

Steve85, I was completely Dark and NC and only picked her calls when she called. If you say that I was controlling and manipulative by going dark, sorry to say that is absurd. And I gave her space to miss me?? I gave her all the time in the world to get back to her senses and missing was not the reason. Trust me! Missing is a natural process that happens during the time she gets her space and time. Its not done by me at least! I should have probably allowed to take her belligerent rather than going NC or dark for long. The space didnt help a lot but caused more apathy towards me.

Like I said just because I called it quits,doesn't mean I am done with her. She has her own issues to deal with and I have mine. Initial days there was a lot of anger in me as well as her. I have mellowed down. At this point of time I am ready to go either way - With her or without her. I have nothing to loose. But what she wants is to be chased, being cared for and being loved. Not being left alone lonely and neglected. She has been very lonely, which I could see from her tone of voice.

Where are you getting that she wants to be chased??! Last I knew WAWs that demand divorce, the last thing they want is to be chased!!

Some women like my wife like to be chased. Else they feel unwanted. I know my wife. That is what she wants. If she wants to be chased i will do it. But I will also be within my limits.

I have pulled back enough. In the last 3 months I have had conversations with her only thrice. My only expectation was that she would accept the letter and move on and not fight back. That is not what she did. Look after divorce, I have no intention to pursue her. If anything at all it has to be before. She needs to learn that. She needs to understand. Her stubborn pride is not only causing self destruction on her part but destroying rest others as well. That is not how it needs to end. Since she has missed me enough, I will try and bridge the gaps slowly. and hopefully she will understand and come back. If not i will make her a fool to leave me. I have nothing to loose again. I am confident as ever. Even yesterday i think she fought back because of my confident tone that she had never heard from me all along. I feel i know that I am in control and this is one of the best feelings I have so far.
If she goes belligerent because I am withdrawing my consent, I don't give a damn. If she files a TRO, lodges a police complaint, I don't care. Let her do it. All I can say is, if we go by the book rule of DBing, It may not work perfect. If you are confident enough no matter what the outcome, I think your spouse would see it, which is what I have been doing. I don't give a damn to her BS. I still love her, I stand by it and I want her to take the all the tough steps to separate from me!

This is a very confusing paragraph. "I don't care what she chooses but I am going to pursue her!"

And finally nutcrac you talk about 3 months as if it is a long time. In most sitches 3 months is a blink of an eye. Good luck my friend you are going to need it. I fear you are going to create that which you fear. That is what pursuit and pressure of a WAW does.


This has been long for me as well as her. Its painful she is in a dilemma. She is going on an express train not realizing the after effects. She does not believe her own inner voice. All that she is doing is guided by her own ego and pride. But from the last conversation I realized she has so much anger in her that has subsided and she was able to let go off a lot of it and calm down, while i listened to her patiently. That is what I want to happen. So she can slowly let go off her anger towards me.