W just picked S up. She has informed me that from now on, she will only use the monitored parking spaces at the local police department, because she's "not comfortable" around me. I pointed out that the only reason she's not comfortable is her own guilt.
She has been bringing friends to pick up S. Today, she brought the couple that has been slandering me. He's a cop. They were in his private car, off duty, and they sat on the road without coming onto the property.
I told him he's not welcome here. He said "I'm on the road, that's now how it works."
I sent him a text message requesting that he stay away from my apartment complex.
I sent a LONG text to W.
"There is absolutely no reason to bring anyone to my apartment. You are only not comfortable because of your own guilt. I have asked [names withheld] to stay away. I am not interested in feeling like a threat when you and I both know that I have never threatened you at all. You keep playing the helpless, victimized, single mom, but the truth is that you just wanted to sleep with other people. I am not playing your games. You need to consider the feelings of people other than yourself for once. I am not interested in arguing with you, or anything like that. I am only interested in S well-being at this point, and your games are making everything more difficult. You bring other men around our S, you insist on having people watch me like a hawk (I honestly don't care about their opinions, but I am not interested in being made into a laughing stock or feeling like my privacy at home is being threatened). You move S appointments around just to be difficult (I can simply call the dr's office...and I set up the last appt you moved...I don't care if you're present, and I'm willing to take him myself without you) just to control things. You need to stop acting like a 15 year old throwing a tantrum and start acting like a grown woman with a son. He is NOT an inconvenience to me, and you need to quit pushing his care off to fit your personal whims. Your lack of communication is what got us into this situation, as did your selfishness. But do not bring anyone else near my apartment. Whether they sit on the road or not, they are NOT welcome here. And since we have no written agreements in place, I do not have to honor your requests to meet at any specified location. I have no intention or interest in being your doormat."
Ugh. I'm furious. I'm sick to death of people coming to monitor my dealings with W and S. It's enraging. I'm not a child, and I don't feel like this is going well at all.
I know that there's nothing I can do about him coming to my apartment and sitting on the road. But he's a cop. He's also a...well, the board will censor me if I say what I think of him and his wife.
So, after the last post, I found the threads on validation. I'm going to start working on this as I can. Right now, I feel like things are still just rocketing towards the bottom of the volcano at a really high rate of speed.
I really don't know how to read her lately enough to know if anything at all is working. Mostly because she absolutely refuses to talk to me or be anywhere near me without a buffer person.
It's really like she's TRYING to make things harder.
Any advice I can get on, well, pretty much any way to turn this around would be amazing. I'm still working on me, still trying to be positive and upbeat (although having her friends at my house, who were literally lying about me to people, really upset me a lot today), still trying to GAL and do what I can to make any progress at all...and it feels like no matter what I do, it is only making everything worse.
I talked to an old friend of ours today (who isn't friends with W now, but used to be). Back when W and this friend used to talk about their H's, apparently my W said that she always knew she would hurt me like this because I'm just too good.
I can't figure that out. It's almost like she planned all along to leave me at some point, and that it's like she's too broken to actually handle having a normal, healthy R. I just don't get her at all anymore.
Well, apparently W went to a concert this weekend while I had S. And she's posted pics of her kissing some girl, and some very inappropriate things on her Facebook.
Blacmac- time to detatch- time to stop following her on FB. The time is now to focus on you and our S. Be the best you can - You do not require any updates on her- focus on you.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
BM, I feel like you've ignored a lot of advice on this board. I really really really wish you had consulted the board before sending that text.
Impulsiveness will kill you in DBing. When you begin to react the way you did to her bringing this couple to the pick up you need to stop and think about what you are doing. The text did nothing except prove to your W that her bringing them bugged you. Probably the exact effect she was going for.
"It's really like she's TRYING to make things harder. " Because she is!! She wants you to give up. She wants you to get so frustrated that you are just willing to give up custody of your S. Does she really want full custody? Probably not but she likes the financial windfall that comes from full custody.
Texts like the one you sent do nothing. Texts to the cop do nothing. You cannot control any of it and trying to will only result in further frustration and potentially even more damaging behavior.
You had gone along doing pretty well recently. This is a setback. Your W can bring, unfortunately, anyone she wants (short of a sexual offender) to the pickups. It [censored], but it is the way that it is.
So start focusing on what you CAN control. You. I know it is hard. I struggled with control issues early in my sitch. The sooner you realize you have zero control over her the sooner you'll be able to truly detach. And trust me, your W knows that you aren't detached and that every thing she does to bug you will, in fact, bug you. Detachment isn't something you pretend, is something you live. And W's have a way of knowing when you are pretending.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Blacmac- time to detatch- time to stop following her on FB. The time is now to focus on you and our S. Be the best you can - You do not require any updates on her- focus on you.
I don't follow her on FB. I'm detaching. But I keep getting this stuff from friends/family that know we have a divorce pending. They all say I should go for custody.
Quote:
BM, I feel like you've ignored a lot of advice on this board. I really really really wish you had consulted the board before sending that text.
I haven't been ignoring it. Not at all. But things tend to get really heated quickly, and I don't usually have time to consult the board, although I wish that I could.
Quote:
You had gone along doing pretty well recently. This is a setback. Your W can bring, unfortunately, anyone she wants (short of a sexual offender) to the pickups. It [censored], but it is the way that it is.
Yes, it does. Very much. It just bugs me that I can't even be around my own family without someone being at MY apartment to watch.
Quote:
So start focusing on what you CAN control. You. I know it is hard. I struggled with control issues early in my sitch. The sooner you realize you have zero control over her the sooner you'll be able to truly detach. And trust me, your W knows that you aren't detached and that every thing she does to bug you will, in fact, bug you. Detachment isn't something you pretend, is something you live. And W's have a way of knowing when you are pretending.
I know this is good advice. Thank you. Man, I was doing so good this past week. The pics she posted of her humping some random dude's leg at this concert really kind of sent me over. Especially knowing that she doesn't want me to go for custody.
It's just...embarrassing. One day our S may see those pics. Everyone else has (since most of our families are still mutual friends even though she has me blocked...and I have her blocked...).
All of this while she keeps asking people if I'm okay.
This just hurts a lot.
I expect her to act out. But I didn't expect her to make herself a spectacle knowing she has a S that looks up to her.
Just remember, while your friends and family have their hearts in the right place, the courts won't care about that picture. I remember a case a few years ago where a W had committed multiple affairs, including some very deviant sexual behavior (3 ways, orgies, etc).
The LBH has proof of these activities and was trying to use it for full custody. The judge looked at him and said: "Okay so you've proven that she likes sex, how does that make her bad mother?"
Just want you to be realistic. A L will know more than me. But don't get your hopes up for custody over some pictures of her dirty dancing at a concert.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I'm not. It's just really hurtful to see that, and to know that she's tearing apart a family that really loves her for no real reason.
I don't want to fight in court. I want to R. I'm not saying that to her. I'm trying not to chase, and I'm getting better at it. But it's like one slap in the face after another.
This proves you haven't detached. When you can hear about her wayward activities and not react emotionally, then you have detached. It is hard, detachment is not easy, but again it is not something you have to live, not just fake. Faking it to make it is fine, but at some point it has to become real.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
