Thanks V for the invitation! I feel like I just graduated from college.
So I had my first date last night with the girl I met on-line. We met at a local rest/bar at 6 pm, left their at 9:30 and went and had dinner at another restaurant and closed it down at 11:30. They turned the lights on us. We did kiss at the end of the night, and went our separate ways. She texted me when she got home to let me know she made it home safe and that she had a great night. I will be setting up a second date with her but I felt myself processing my emotions this morning. I will try to highlight them below.
1. She has been married twice and was in an abusive R with her second husband. He did some very mean things to her but she said that it was 9 years ago and she has processed those emotions. That is a RED Flag.
2. This is the first date I have had. I didn't tell her that but I am not sure if I am holding back some emotionally because I don't want to get hurt again or if it is due to some feelings I still have for my EW.
3. Obviously there was a connection or we would not have had a 6 hr date. She was really into me but we are on different ends of the spectrum with me coming out of LTR and her being D'd for 9 years.
4. I texted her back this morning to work on a second date for this week but I also don't want to string her along either. Something feels wierd about not dating multiple women and only dating this one. I know she is into me but I don't know what I can emotionally give at this point. I guess I just need to be honest with her.
We did laugh, we joked, we bantered, it felt good to have someone who was into me. I felt more confident than she did, I felt like I was the prize. I felt like she put me on a pedestal, told me how good looking I was, told me I was a unicorn.
So I woke up this morning just trying to process all of these emotions and I thought journaling would help.
Why is it a red flag that she left an abusive relationship many years ago and has processed those emotions?
As for your comment about being in different places - this may be true. She's been single for a number of years and may be ready for a full relationship, while you're recently divorced and just dipping your toe into the dating pool for the first time. It's ok to just be honest about that and the need for you to take it slow.
Take it slow. Learn more about who she is. (I say this as someone who HAS jumped into bed twice on first dates - BUT in my defense they were both long distance relationships where we had spent a couple of months chatting before we met, and both worked out reasonably well.
Last edited by job; 06/24/1806:57 AM. Reason: edited a word per the poster
KM- I guess it just scares me because my ew had childhood issues and I guess I kind of invisioned being with someone who had not had any past trauma. She was telling me he did some pretty horrible things to her. Just kind of shocking for a first date.
V- I am meeting this girl out for a second date later this week. I guess I just need to be honest with her about where I am at. I am not ready to settle down on the first date and I want to talk to other ladies. I just do not want to give her any commitment expectations. She is really nice but I am just not there yet.
KM- I guess it just scares me because my ew had childhood issues and I guess I kind of envisioned being with someone who had not had any past trauma. She was telling me he did some pretty horrible things to her. Just kind of shocking for a first date.
J9,
My XW had childhood issues as well. She had a lot of repressed memories so neither of us were completely aware of the extent of her childhood abuse when we got married. I was very willing to help her in any way I could and I made a lot of allowances for "difficult" behavior (she could be very harsh at times).
However, I'm not willing to put myself into that situation again. Childhood abuse is a terrible thing, and people who've suffered through it have my greatest sympathies, but I'm unwilling to go through that again.
There are those who are abused and never dealt with or processed it. Those are Red flags,
Women who were abused, over came it, dealt with it, grew and learned from it, well, those chicks are green flags in my book. Warriors. I would hate to think their strength and perserverance ever made them a red flag.
Thanks Guys, G, you described electric, I don't know that I felt that with her. She was touching my leg within the first 30 minutes of us meeting up and talking so I knew she was into me. I was pretty reserved the whole time so I am not sure if it was because I was nervous and my first date in 17 years or because I really wasn't that attracted. I didn't find myself thinking about my EW at all but maybe in the back of my mind I was holding myself back. Not sure Obviously we went to two different places and closed the restaurant down so I must have felt something right????? Her wanting to kiss me at the end was obvious, she texted me when she got home and yesterday morning commented that some cute guy kept her up too late last night.
She is a little heavier than what I am normally attracted to I guess. Not over the top big but maybe carrying 10 to 15 extra lbs. She did comment this is the most she has ever weighed so I could tell she was self-conscience about it.
Really the only RED flag was her past abusive relationship. She has been married twice, sounds like she has made some poor life choices and ended up with the wrong guys. She said she was pretty wild in her early years but then as she got older turned towards god. Her son is 23 and lives home with her. It was nice to be with someone who was really interested and liked me. It was refreshing after dealing with the EW for so long. So really its the RED flag with her ex-husband and trying to figure out if I am really attracted to her. I don't think my feelings were ELECTRIC like G described on her date.
Worth continuing to explore.....yes but IDK that I felt my toes tingle but that might be more on me than her.
Agree with Ginger. Men or women who know abuse, and have truly dealt with it in a positive way, are successful people in my book. No red flags there.
However, I've met women who do the smiling bravely thing, lip quivering ever so slightly and tremor in the voice as they tell their tale, then tell you they're 'all healed' when they are most definitely not. I suspect we've all seen it before. Perhaps that is what J9 was picking up on?
However, I've met women who do the smiling bravely thing, lip quivering ever so slightly and tremor in the voice as they tell their tale, then tell you they're 'all healed' when they are most definitely not.
devvo,
My XW was tough as f*cking nails. There wasn't any lip quivering or tremors; she had a hugely confident exterior that covered a very damaged interior. She's strong and competent, and yet at times completely dysfunctional. She can be an academy award winning actress when it comes to covering up the chaos on her inside. She's beautiful, cunning and seductive, but it's all a facade for her perpetual inner turmoil. I'll pass.
