The 37 rules can be implemented now. You don't have to wait till bomb drop. I will be glad to help, if you'll tell me which rules you aren't sure about.
The ones that I was really struggling with were the ones about having an awakening & getting out. Without the bomb drop, i'm not sure about just taking off without an explanation when GAL. Also, i know i'm going to have issues with putting up a front of "everything is fine". I just know that i'll crack at times and let my emotions show, just like i did yesterday.
Are you referring to Rule #17?
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
What do you mean taking off and not giving an explanation about GAL? Which rule are you talking about?
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Now, i can count on one hand the number of times she's initiated sex in the last 3 years. I wasn't expecting it, and even though I really wanted to say "no thanks" I caved. We didn't have intercourse, but performed an "oral" inspection on each other.
If the WW feels her H is pulling away, she'll use sex to secure her hold on him. Although it sounds very contradictive to the fact she is not currently interested in having a better MR, it is a form of manipulation. Some WW's are very controlling.
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Also, i know i'm going to have issues with putting up a front of "everything is fine". I just know that i'll crack at times and let my emotions show, just like i did yesterday.
Here is the point of that rule. A lot of LBS's think if their partner sees how heartbroken or upset the LBS is feeling, it will somehow affect the wayward spouse's feelings of compassion. It doesn't. In fact, it makes WW's treat the H worse. A wayward W is attracted to the person they see as self confident, not succumbing to weak emotions, independent and enjoying life.....and not being co-dependent on their partner. They see the emotional partner as being weak. They wayward W respects strength.
You are not expect to feel no emotions. I am saying to not break down in front of your W & kids! Go to the bathroom and bury your head in a stack of towels to cry, but do it privately. A family is suppose to look up to its leader, that means they expect him to be stronger and capable of handling trying times. If they see their leader falling apart, the kids feel insecure and the W loses more respect for him.
You have four kids watching how their leader will deal with this crisis. It will definitely affect what kind of spouse they will be one day , and what kind of person they M.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
What do you mean taking off and not giving an explanation about GAL? Which rule are you talking about?
I guess I got confused here. Turns out I associated another's post as one of your rules..
Originally Posted By: rexgm
[quote]
I would start working on yourself. Hit the gym, hangout with friends. Dont invite her to any of it. The more you try to please her the more you will push her away. Do things because you want to do them, not because you think it will make her happy.
I don't think that just going off without an explanation would do anything but magnify the negatives she already associates with me. I know i need to do some serious 180's, but not sure that one would be productive.
Me- 47 Her- 43
S-20 S-18 S-13 S11
Together 23 years Married 21 years
EA confirmed 11/13 EA "ended" 1/14 PA confirmed 10/18 Started MC 11/18
I'd like to go back to the Father's Day initiation for a second. Because it just struck me that another anti-divorce author (not MWD) talks about a phenomenon when it comes to WAWs/WWs and the LBH detaching.
When you detach properly and they start to feel the loss of control slipping away, they will often resort to sex (and if they are in a full blown PA usually it is oral sex) in order to reestablish some control. She predicted that when the LBH emotionally differentiated that the cheating W would usually go to that.
Wives in limbo (many of whom are in PAs) are unsure of what they want, but they know they want that safety net there. Since intercourse is often saved for the AP, they will resort to oral sex to try to control the H.
Anyway, that just hit me.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I would start working on yourself. Hit the gym, hangout with friends. Dont invite her to any of it. The more you try to please her the more you will push her away. Do things because you want to do them, not because you think it will make her happy.
Originally Posted By: Bern19
I don't think that just going off without an explanation would do anything but magnify the negatives she already associates with me. I know i need to do some serious 180's, but not sure that one would be productive.
I know it doesn't seem that way, but i am telling you now, chasing, pursuing, trying to talk, ANYTHING that feels REMOTELY like you are begging, trying, pursuing, or trying to ask questions or mind read WILL BE MET WITH COLD HOSTILITY.
You NEED to abide by Rule #17 - It is key. If i had done this from Day One, i MAY still be living with WW. Chasing and begging, when i should have been HARD CORE implementing Rule #17 is easily one of my biggest mistakes i made in the entire process.
It seems counter productive when you are so RAW and wanting answers, but i am telling you now 150% RexGM and Sandi know what they are talking about here. DONT IGNORE IT.
Go ready my sitch if u want to see where ignoring this advice gets you.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I'd like to go back to the Father's Day initiation for a second. Because it just struck me that another anti-divorce author (not MWD) talks about a phenomenon when it comes to WAWs/WWs and the LBH detaching.
When you detach properly and they start to feel the loss of control slipping away, they will often resort to sex (and if they are in a full blown PA usually it is oral sex) in order to reestablish some control. She predicted that when the LBH emotionally differentiated that the cheating W would usually go to that.
Wives in limbo (many of whom are in PAs) are unsure of what they want, but they know they want that safety net there. Since intercourse is often saved for the AP, they will resort to oral sex to try to control the H.
Anyway, that just hit me.
Holy Mackerel Steve, My WW did this, twice. Once with the O Sex, and last year day before my Birthday she did the same thing with full intercourse. It felt like $1,000,000 because she had sex starved me so bad. It kept me hanging for months longer, as i had been getting suspicious and began asking questions. This shut me up quite effectively both times.
Cant believe i never saw this. Fits like a damn GLOVE. *Sorry for Hijack*
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
FWIW, I have seen more than one case where the WW in a PA would discover she was pregnant by her OM, and then she would have intercourse with her H. It was her extra coverage, so later when H discovers the pregnancy and he questions the paternity of the child, she could say, "Don't you remember that one time we had intercourse"?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'd like to go back to the Father's Day initiation for a second. Because it just struck me that another anti-divorce author (not MWD) talks about a phenomenon when it comes to WAWs/WWs and the LBH detaching.
When you detach properly and they start to feel the loss of control slipping away, they will often resort to sex (and if they are in a full blown PA usually it is oral sex) in order to reestablish some control. She predicted that when the LBH emotionally differentiated that the cheating W would usually go to that.
Wives in limbo (many of whom are in PAs) are unsure of what they want, but they know they want that safety net there. Since intercourse is often saved for the AP, they will resort to oral sex to try to control the H.
Anyway, that just hit me.
OK, so then that begs the question... Do i decline any future initiations? It doesn't happen often, so it might have been a fathers day present, or could have been an attempt to control. If it happens again any time soon, I think that would answer the question and prove that it's her grasping for control. How do I decline to make sure it makes the right impact/impression? I don't want to come across as mean or spiteful, but would really like something to jar her into the realization that I'm not OK living the rest of my days in this current sitch.
I've only been on this DB/DR journey for 3 weeks and was thriving early on, but lately I'm feeling as lost as ever. Probably because there has been no bomb drop from her and I have no evidence of a OM. I feel that by just keeping my head down and moving forward it allows her to do all the cake eating she wants. By cake eating I'm talking about going out to eat at night a couple nights a week and going to church as a family, etc. Doing all those things that publicly say "we are a normal family". This cake eating could also include a EA/PA, but without proof of that I'm choosing to not go there in my mind. I'm having a hard enough time focusing on the neglect and resentment to worry about that. Without snooping for more info, it's not likely I'll get that answer anytime soon.
The one thing that is really getting me (besides feeling like she's just using me to keep her entertained while her friends have to tend to their families) is how she is asking for permission to spend money on equipment for her "hobby". She works in the education sector, so she has her summers off and has been "asking" to buy high end photo equipment. Recently she has been pursuing this hobby as more of a side venture/business opportunity. It makes me think, is just a step in getting herself set up with income to help replace what she loses if she decides to dispose of me? How do I respond when she "asks" for permission to spend that kind of money? It's not that we can't afford it, but it certainly affects our discretionary income. It's funny, i can always tell when she's going to ask to buy something because she'll act all nice before she asks. How nice she acts is directly related to how much money she wants to spend.
I guess I know that I'm supposed to just ignore her and focus on myself, but at times I feel like pressing her to at least get an "official" bomb drop so she's forced to at least address the elephant in the room. Our currently unsustainable MR.
Me- 47 Her- 43
S-20 S-18 S-13 S11
Together 23 years Married 21 years
EA confirmed 11/13 EA "ended" 1/14 PA confirmed 10/18 Started MC 11/18
I'd like to go back to the Father's Day initiation for a second. Because it just struck me that another anti-divorce author (not MWD) talks about a phenomenon when it comes to WAWs/WWs and the LBH detaching.
When you detach properly and they start to feel the loss of control slipping away, they will often resort to sex (and if they are in a full blown PA usually it is oral sex) in order to reestablish some control. She predicted that when the LBH emotionally differentiated that the cheating W would usually go to that.
Wives in limbo (many of whom are in PAs) are unsure of what they want, but they know they want that safety net there. Since intercourse is often saved for the AP, they will resort to oral sex to try to control the H.
Anyway, that just hit me.
That's crazy to read. I'd love to see the rest.
No way would I be engaging in that if I were you, Bern.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
OK, so then that begs the question... Do i decline any future initiations? It doesn't happen often, so it might have been a fathers day present, or could have been an attempt to control. If it happens again any time soon, I think that would answer the question and prove that it's her grasping for control. How do I decline to make sure it makes the right impact/impression? I don't want to come across as mean or spiteful, but would really like something to jar her into the realization that I'm not OK living the rest of my days in this current sitch.
How do you decline? Just find another, more interesting activity. Turning down women even when you aren't in your situation is playing with dynamite. They will have a hard time understanding that you are: -too tired -already occupied -have something else to do
"Sorry, but I can't right now". And go right back to what you were doing. Plus, you might pick up an STD if you keep doing this. Have you read my threads? Not that I know for sure, but your health is serious stuff.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
