Okay! I know how that feels because I felt the exact same way for a while after BD. But, it's a skewed perspective and here's why.
You are NOT the only person responsible for the health and success of a marriage and relationship. It is a joint effort. So, the first D and the second D have something in common - you bear some responsibility in both cases. What you don't get to do is think it was all on your shoulders and the other person had less responsibility.
So, are you a total failure as a partner - NO! Because you couldn't have single handedly improved the marriage. But did you contribute to the failure of the marraige - YES!
The difference between the first D and the second D is this - you didn't spend enough time understanding yourself and your needs and areas you needed to be better as a partner, which might have led you to make the same mistakes the second time around. It doesn't mean you are doomed at relationships and being a good partner.
What you have now in front of you is a second chance at yourself. And you taking up that second chance to understand your self at a much deeper level, engaging in activities that make you happy, and learning how to be better in certain areas of your life, for YOURSELF, not anybody else is going to give you that opportunity to be in a better relationship the next time around. You don't do this to GET a new relationship, but that it will happen as an outcome over time.
Look up post-traumatic growth. There's some TED talks on it and see how you can use what you are going through, to make some breakthroughs in being a fuller and more authentic YOU.
I know it's very hard not to feel like a failure. Especially if you love beating up yourself all the time, which I did. What I actually needed was more self-compassion, and you need that too.
You're only a failure at something if you can 100% control all the variables and know the predicted outcome - a marriage cannot be that.
