From the other side of the mountain (pt. 9)

[Gerda]

SBJ, his grace is enough! And I feel like all the posts from my guy friends on these boards today are about W's showing their confusion and the irresistible pull from home. She bought you cheesecake and spent all that time picking out a thoughtful gift with your kids?! PTL!

I sometimes do not want to PTL because I want this whole thing to be over and I am sick of seeing little moments in the middle of the endless sea of misery and despair as graces. Believe me, I see why you found the day to be hard and sad. I battle those thoughts daily. But from the outside, your father's day story looked like a pretty amazing moment. Your W could easily have dropped the kids off a mile from your house or run her car over your lawn. She could have gone MIA like some of the other MLC W's we know from these boards. For whatever reason, she is feeling the pull toward you and she is allowing herself to act on it from a safe distance.

If your goal is to please God, not W, atta boy, you are doing it! Keep your eye on that and ask for his help in trusting him no matter what direction her pendulum is swinging on a given day. I totally understand all you are feeling and send some courage and compassion your way.

[SBJ]

Gerda, thanks for your response. Confusion is correct. I have been sitting on something for a while and praying for the right way to handle this situation. My ex has been spending way too much time (in my opinion) with a friend of ours and "his" kids. His wife has been in a treatment facility for addiction for the last few months. My ex and his wife are good friends and 2 of my kids and 2 of their kids are very good friends.

I know that she has fired me from the role of her husband, but this guy is also a good friend of mine and I don't want to see his marriage crumble the way mine did. When I say too much time together I mean family pool parties, afternoons at jump Zone with the kids, and last night a movie night with both of our daughters and them. I found out about the movies after he called me and asked if my youngest could go to a baseball game with him and his youngest today in Houston.

My outside observation...she is trying to comfort a man and his children who are hurting because their mother is having drug addiction problems. Because she is the one that can fix and help broken and lost people and animals. WOW, sounds like her sister who has never been able to kick the addiction that she has been unable to help. Like the ex con that she tried to help and had an EA with. Like the countless stray animals that I have had at my home for the last 20 years. Again, it's only my business because my kids are involved, but I do not want to see another family put in jeopardy. They are putting them selves in a tempting situation.

I cannot say anything to her, because, well she fired me, but do I say anything to my friend and fellow church member? I am totally lost on this one. It has been nagging at me for a while, but came to a head last night. It kept me awake most of the night in prayer.

Advice, guideance, or 2x4s are welcome.

[Gordie]

I am a recovering sad country music song addict

Try you broke up with me by walker hayes which makes me laugh instead of cry

Re the situation with your x w

I would not discuss with x w

Is your friend really your friend

Can you discuss man to man without him telling your x w

If so then talk to him

If not then he is not your friend

[bttrfly]

here's what i would do. i would talk to your friend and leave exw out of it. i would say, "hey this is what happened to me/my family. you're in a very vulnerable place right now. the way to get through it is to focus on your kids and if you need a friend i'm here."
get where I'm going with this?

xoxoxo

[DnJ]

SBJ, I can see why you had a sleepless night. You are concerned for his marriage. It does appear that your ex and him are spending a lot of time together.

Would you feel similar if he was spending time with a women that is not your ex? What about if your kids were not involved? I know you said it is only your business because your kids are involved, but how do you feel when just looking at it with just your friends involvement.

I am guessing you would still be concerned as his wife is in a treatment center for a couple of months and he is spending to much time with other company.

Perhaps approach it like that. What would you say to friend about his behaviour, about what he can control? Leave your ex out of the equation for the moment. Just look at what he is possible doing to his marriage.

If you are still concerned then speak with him as a friend / mentor.

You ex and kids being involved will complicate things. Be sure you are not reacting. You need to be sure of this, and will most likely need demonstrate this to friend to get him to listen.

As a friend and fellow church member he may be receptive to your concern for his wellbeing.

If he is receptive you have a lot of compassionate advice you can share.

If he is less than receptive, you are going to have to accept that.

You are good person SBJ. Whatever you decide I am sure will be from a place of compassion and concern.

[Gerda]

I'm with Gordie. I felt sick when I read what you wrote about them doing things together. I have been there, I have been tempted like that, so I know exactly what is happening. Slippery Slope Part 1. That guy is not your friend.

I am not sure why everyone is saying not to bring your W into this. This man is a Christian friend so why don't you tell him very clearly that you are standing for your marriage and why, if you are, and ask if he wants to be a prayer partner with you as he stands for his marriage too. If this freaks him out and he doesn't want to, I agree with DnJ,you have your answer. End friendship with him and start praying the hedge of thorns around those two!

If you are not standing for your marriage, well, that's another story. But I would say that from the outside there was no question in my mind that those two should not be doing that unless they are inviting you and his W to come along too. Keep a clear head, no friend would do that, at least not more than once. Keep walking in the light! We are here with you!

[SBJ]

UPDATE

It has been over a month since I felt the need to post on my own thread so here it goes.

The kids are at the beach with the W and her family. They do a week together every summer. Last summer was odd for me since that was the first time in 20 years that I had not been there. However, last week the wife called and asked if I'd like to come down one afternoon and have dinner with them. I accepted, so yesterday afternoon after work I dropped the top on the convertible and headed out with my tunes on and a cooler of beer. I didn't pop a top until I was there.

It was a wonderful evening with her entire extended family. We sat on the beach, had dinner and visited on the deck until fairly late. At some point all of the the in-laws and the outlaws started to get tired and that was my sign to take off and head home. She and I got to visit and laugh and she was also able to cut up with her sister while I was there. When I'm not around, they still do not talk. It is quite odd.

I pray that everyone is doing well or as well as can be expected. I am going to be out of town until Sunday on a retreat and I will be keeping each and every one of you close to my heart this weekend.

[Gordie]

SBJ

What a wonderful update

I am so happy that you were able to enjoy yourself

It demonstrates a level of maturity not sure if that is the right word

But I mean it as a compliment

And loving detachment

Have a wonderful retreat

[Gerda]

Wow, SBJ, impressive ability to just be a friend even if it could hurt to be there. Inspiring! I am really impressed with how you were able to have a wonderful day in those circumstances. I hope your retreat is just as beautiful.

[SBJ]

Thanks for the kind words guys...the retreat was awesome and it was good to get away with God for a while. My son is going on a similar retreat this weekend for college students and there is a family and friends event on Saturday night. I was planning on going and I know that the w always likes to go as well. I mentioned it to her and she said that we could all go together and stop for dinner on the way. Not reading into anything, but at certain corners she is allowing small family moments to happen as a way to get together.

I pray all is as well as can be expected with everyone else here. God is good all the time!!!