Hello, I m sorry to have to be here, but also glad that such a place of support exists.
I discovered DR in mid-May 2018 and wish I d found it much earlier on. I ve been devouring various self-help and relationship books since shortly after W did her BD in late Jan 2018. DR was the one I d been looking for (along with a select couple of others that have proven valuable resources). Immediately upon coming across the 180 and LRT in DR, I knew that was what I had to do.
When my W dropped this on me, I think I went through ALL of the unhelpful behaviors that would do nothing but worsen the situation and push W further away. I was despondent, I begged and pleaded, I cried, I apologized for everything, I reminded her of all the good in our relationship and how long we ve been together, I cried some more, I brought up the harm it would do to the kids, I bought gifts and a card, and I was generally desperate and clingy. All of it.
Now, I ve gotten myself together and fully invested in working on my half of things. I m keeping a journal, setting goals, GAL, and addressing my legitimate issues that contributed to my W being unhappy in the MR. I m using the rules list put together by sandi2 as my own rule book and continuing to use DR and a few other books as guides.
My W has legitimate grievances, fortunately, nothing in my sitch involves infidelity in any way (mine or hers), but there are plenty of things just as damaging or worse that can hurt a MR. In my case, I was suffering from untreated depression for a very long time, more than 30 years. I knew things weren t ok since I was a kid, but I was too ashamed to admit it and learned to live with it. So, I was functional, made it through school and college, got a job and we had a great relationship and marriage for a long time. I was ignoring the fact that as the years went by, the depression was only getting worse and my ego defenses to try and cover it up were only getting worse along with it - negativity, pessimism, being critical, arrogance, resistance to engaging in fun, and other unsavory behavioral traits. Then, nearly 3 years ago, we moved to another state for a job opportunity for my W. I really bottomed out after that and while the rest of the family transitioned quite well to our new environment, I went on a downward spiral. We agreed that would be a stay-at-home home dad to our youngest for a couple of years due to the costs of childcare here. Big mistake. During this time, my W began to really start resenting me and losing respect for me as a man. Even though I was taking care of our youngest and keeping the house relatively clean and doing all the cooking and general domestic duties, I was also gaining weight, self-medicating and deep in depression. Even though we agreed that I would stay home (her idea to begin with), I was too unmotivated and down on myself to look for a job.
So, my W has legitimate reasons to have lost respect for me and to develop the kind of resentment she does. I haven t been a great guy to be around for several years now and I m unemployed. Now, as I said above, I m working on myself vigorously at this point. I ve gotten diagnosed and put on medication for the clinical depression as of Feb, and I m in IC. I ve gotten myself back in peak physical shape (I m in better shape now than I was in college), I m on the job hunt and while I haven't gotten one yet, I ve had several promising interviews and I feel it is imminent (and a crucial element to even begin to regain respect from my W). I m GAL and working on all aspects of re-embracing my masculinity and making sure not to fall into any traps of the NGS. And as far as dealings w/ my W, I ve been fully implementing the LRT and associated principles.
So, right now I m in watch and wait mode and am prepared for the long game of patience and resolve. We are separated since 4/23/18 and the laws in our state dictate that spouses must be living separately for 1 year before D can even be filed for. As such, I m looking at this with a time is on my side perspective and keeping a sense of optimism about the sitch.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/08/1807:26 AM. Reason: restored post
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
You have come to a fantastic and supportive community here. You might not always like what they have to say, but everyone is speaking from a place of caring and love in their attempts to help. Definitely keep posting and read some of the other threads on here. Benitos thread is one that has helped me a lot http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2778117&page=10
You seem to be doing a lot of the steps necessary to improve yourself, in terms of exercise, IC, medication, job searching. Are you able to get out and spend time with friends as well? I have also found mindfullness and breathing activities to be very helpful. Keep the focus on improving yourself since that is all you can control.
It sounds like our situations are relatively similar in terms of dealing with depression and codependency. Is there a reason you left the house rather than your wife? I did the same in early April and regret that decision. I highly recommend that you read Codependency No More, I have also found the book Self Esteem to be very helpful. Do you have any reason to think that your wife is an A or is acting strangely, or do you think she is a pure WAW, unhappy with the marriage and simply acting to protect herself? Since you have kids I assume that you have lots of opportunities to interact with your W, make sure to take advantage of them by acting as positive and friendly as you can.
Good luck with your journey!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You have come to a fantastic and supportive community here. You might not always like what they have to say, but everyone is speaking from a place of caring and love in their attempts to help. Definitely keep posting and read some of the other threads on here. Benitos thread is one that has helped me a lot http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2778117&page=10
You seem to be doing a lot of the steps necessary to improve yourself, in terms of exercise, IC, medication, job searching. Are you able to get out and spend time with friends as well? I have also found mindfullness and breathing activities to be very helpful. Keep the focus on improving yourself since that is all you can control.
It sounds like our situations are relatively similar in terms of dealing with depression and codependency. Is there a reason you left the house rather than your wife? I did the same in early April and regret that decision. I highly recommend that you read Codependency No More, I have also found the book Self Esteem to be very helpful. Do you have any reason to think that your wife is an A or is acting strangely, or do you think she is a pure WAW, unhappy with the marriage and simply acting to protect herself? Since you have kids I assume that you have lots of opportunities to interact with your W, make sure to take advantage of them by acting as positive and friendly as you can.
Good luck with your journey!
Hi Davide and thank you.
I have not made many friends since the move here, so that is definitely an area to improve on. But, I am spending time with the few I do have.
I ask myself why I am the one to leave the house over her. The rational argument is that I am unemployed and the economics of it are quite difficult at the moment. I am currently staying w/ my cousin and his wife for free, and they live about 30 minutes from the family house. The rent at the family home is too high for a second place to be rented without me having a job. I do not like that I am the one to have moved out, but it was only supposed to be temporary to give my W some emotional and physical space to think things over. In the interim, 3 weeks in to my being out, she declared that she was more certain than ever that we cannot reconcile and that divorce is the only option because nothing will ever change and that our separation had officially started.
So, I may or may not insist on re-evaluating the living sitch once I get a job, but I am not exactly in a strong position to make a case at this particular moment.
I have zero reason to suspect an A of any kind and this seems to be strictly unhappy with the marriage and her expectations of it and is simply wanting out because she currently sees it as a better option since she is locked into the things cannot change mindset.
I have read Codependent No More, and I personally found it to be insipid and entirely unhelpful in any way; I actually found it to be detrimental. In fact, the reason I read it is because my Ws therapist suggested it to her and she read, then wanted me to. My W is convinced that she is codependent on me and that is another of her reasons for wanting D.
I also read a book, The Everything Guide to Self Esteem which I did get a lot of good out of. I do not know if this is the same book you are referring to.
Currently, in addition to DR, I am reading books that focus on validation, emotional bids, and effective communication and connection techniques. It has been very helpful in the interactions I have with my W, which are indeed often enough (couple times a week for the kids). I absolutely take full advantage of these moments to employ not only more effective communication techniques, but also the relevant rules from the 37 that sandi2 put together. I am also awaiting the arrival of No More Mr Nice Guy as I have seen that recommended many times on these forums and elsewhere.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
So, the hardest thing about all of this DB stuff is how simple the concepts actually are, but how difficult they are to implement due to the inevitable emotional turmoil one feels as a LBS. The discipline needed to have the patience required is astounding. I realize that even if I had found DR within the first few days of the BD, while I might be a little further along than I am now, my emotions were so raw that they would have gotten the better of me more often than not at the beginning.
Being able to really utilize the LRT and adhere to the 37 rules is amazing once one has the ability to internalize the concepts. Along with the other self-help books I am reading and learning to communicate more effectively, and to identify and address my own issues properly has been essential in my doing real 180s and successfully acting as if and putting the 4Cs into action.
The other part of that though is really coming to grips with how long this going to actually take to reach potentially having success in achieving a path to reconciliation. I know from reading other stories here that things start to get easier, even as the ups and downs continue. I am still struggling with some key things that are roadblocks to really getting the ball rolling both for myself in GAL and in being able to lay down the foundation for rebuilding respect with my W. The biggest thing is getting a job. I regret having been the stay at home parent in terms of how long a gap I now have on my resume. The job market where I am at (DC Metro area) was actually pretty good just a couple of years ago, now it is extremely competitive and while I have had some promising interviews, I just keep getting passed over. I am sure the gap has a lot to do with it. But, I cannot change the past and I have to keep my head up about this. It just really s**ks because I am doing everything else right, but the job is the key to it all and the longer I remain unemployed, the deeper the hole it seems I have to climb out of in truly regaining respect for myself and from my W.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Hey man. I haven't read your whole thread but just the last post and I saw about your job situation. Have you heard of askamanager? her site is great. look at her tips on resumes and cover letters. Also, I have no doubt she has stuff on how to approach interviews when you have a large gap, and what you might be able to do. Check it out. It helped me immensely in improving my resume and cover letter, and also doing better in interviews.
Thanks, Maika. I will check it out. I need all the help I can get in this area!
My IC is actually also a career coach, so my sessions have been a combination of working on the career component and the personal life issues component, obviously including the MR sitch.
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
