It sounds like you handled things fine. You kept calm and collected, you answered his question factually and you called him out on his BS. It doesnt sound like there was anything to validate there. It is hard for me not to get angry at a guy who would do this with a 6 month old baby. You are doing a great job keeping your sh#t together.
Let him set up the appointment with the mediator. Let him do all the work. It sure seems like he wants you to do it for him.
Hang in there, you are doing great.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Thanks Davide and Lonewlf. Unlike other WWs I read about, H is very determined and has already set up an appt with the mediator peacefully. he currently is waiting for me to 'get my head fixed' by talking to counselor so we can proceed with mediation. I breaking down in front of the mediator delayed the process last time and as per H embarrassed him.
Hi all, I have never worked on setting goals before as part of DB and want to start concentrating on that going forward. I need input from you all in determining if I am on the right path. All goals are short term for 1-2 weeks time frame, once I achieve them I plan to keep adding to the list.
Self - Meditate starting with 5 mins to reach 10 mins everyday in 2 weeks - Workout 5 days/week - GAL at least 1-2 hrs per week leaving kids with H
Family - Play as family with Ds and try including H for up to 5 mins in 2 weeks, start off with playing just with kids at home
R - validate more - be cheerful and patient (currently doing) - appreciate H for doing house chores (currently doing)
I need help in adding more goals to my short term list, considering we are in the mediation phase I do not want any hard to achieve items on my list and I am so weary of adding wrong things on my list
Is it okay to pay compliments on their looks or on what they are wearing?
H is a painter and paints a lot and displays it around the house, should I show appreciation towards this or will it be pursuit? He used to paint and show it to me earlier but stopped sharing things with me last 6 months even though I asked him to. As part of DB I have not shown interest in his activities since he clearly has cut me out of his life.
I keep track on yours but haven't posted much in response to anyone.
My advice is to detach and GAL. So far they are definitely helping me keep my head about each day. They also seem to be the hardest and very counter intuitive as to what your heart and mind are telling you what to do to save your MR. Remember, this is not about saving your MR. If that happens, that is great! The goal is to get to be a better you. If your H notices and decides to refocus and you both decide together to do it, great. If not, and it continues down this path, you are much further along than you would be had you just wallowed and waited.
Just my opinion FWIW.
Best wishes...
M51 W44 T21 M18 D14 S11 BD date 9/17 W filed 02/18 W withdrew petition following week In house separation 03/18 In Limbo and DB'ing since 03/18 W is moving out by mid Nov 2018 A drawing up paperwork 11/18
Thanks JS. I am working on all DB aspects, my next step is to set and achieve some goals so I have some deadlines to hit and my mind doesnt wander where there is only pain and hurt.
This is a terrific start love these goals, let's really make these work for you.
The key is to make them emotional and current tense (as if achieved)
So:
Self - I am peacefully meditating by starting with 5 mins of meditation and within 2 weeks I am achieving 10 minutes every day
- i energetically workout 5 days every week
- I plan a GAL actvity for a minimum of 1-2 hrs per week and I have planned baby sitting
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These are your goals exclude H as you have no control over H. You can't try in a goal. Try will never work! So your family goal needs redoing. It's just not a goal.
Family - Play as family with Ds and try including H for up to 5 mins in 2 weeks, start off with playing just with kids at home ------------------------
These are wishes not goals remember who are you validating, when why where, how many? R - I am strong on my validation techniques and I use these 3 times daily as appropriate with the key people in my life
- be cheerful and patient (currently doing) ....not a goal
- I praise when praise is due showing appreciation when others make my life easier and this leads to pleasant interactions and daily gratitude
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Can I suggest that you word these in your own words?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I saw your message in my thread and thought I'd reply in yours for continuity to what's happening with you.
I was able to refine, reframe, and refocus my goals thanks to advice from Vanilla in particular. I see that she has given you excellent pointers. How you write out your goals is extremely important and the choice of words.
Where I can contribute is more on strategy I guess. I've always had goals, but my problem was that I tried to do all of them at the same time. Very unrealistic.
So, I have still set big goals for myself, but I have prioritized them. I also started with goals that I could achieve quickly so that I could build confidence in my ability to execute them and also develop self-discipline.
Take a look at your goals and see which ones you immediately want to tackle. Then think about phasing other goals in. So, I recently rehauled my goals, and I started with a basic one - I want to wake up every day at 5AM. I will do that for a week straight and see how it goes. And then I added in meditation for ten minutes.
Next week, I am going to add in journaling my day plan. So, I want to write down three things I want to accomplish at work that day and three personal things that I want to be mindful about.
And so build on small successes that will exponentially grow. This process has helped me a lot. I also break up my larger goals into smaller pieces. And the larger goal has an outcome associated with it, followed up by smaller goals and commitment to the process. If you commit to the process and keep the larger outcome in mind, then that will help you to be mentally strong.
I strongly believe in committing to the process and following through. And making the decision about you do this because you are this person - for example, I don't miss my workouts because I am a healthy person. the key word there is - don't. Many people say - can't. That gives you the wiggle room to get out. The previous sentence is about your identity.
I also love Michael Jordan's take on decision-making. He was once asked how he was able to train so hard and be on top of his game all the time. He said, and I am paraphrasing - I always think deeply about why I want to do something. After that, once I make the decision to do it, I never think about it again.
So, think about your 'why'.. and then have it crystal clear and make a decision. And then don't look back.
Anyways, I have learned a lot of this from just reading and trying things out. Main takeaways - commit to the process; think and make the decision; make big goals; start with the easy low hanging fruit to build confidence.
