We both are 35. However like younsaid she still puts all the blame and anger towards me. I hope somewher down the line she will realize the pain she caused me. By that time it would be too late for this relationship as I will have moved on. I am really disappointed the way she never allowed me to be trusted and close to her to have sex. Fine she canvent all anger towards me for the rest of her life. But life is too short for all this drama to happen.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Good to know. So suppose taking example of my WAW who is not wayward but is just walking out of my life. She mentioned in her supposedly final text " I dont deserve her!". I have been her doormat for 6 years and i finally got this from her. I have read your detachment and accordingly we should not beleive anything they say and only 50% of what they do. If i characterize my wife as normal, what does the above statement really mean then? Also after we permanently divorce and move on, will she ever realize all the hurt she caused me ever?
This is from Did's thread.
Nutcrac, lots of LBSs go through this "will they ever realize how much pain they caused?" And my question to this is: Why does that matter? To me that is a question that proves that you have not detached. You are still to worried about her thoughts, feelings and doings.
Here is the key, she realizes the pain she is causing. The problem is not one of realization, the problem is she just doesn't care. In another thread I read that the WW/WAW said to the LBH that she was tired of being sensible and wanted to be a "wild grandma". This is the mindset (as sandi can describe better than I can) of the wayward. They know they are leaving a path of destruction, they just don't care.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes Steve85. I understand that. Its difficult to comprehend the thoughts. So assume all her crying and showing emotions are just crocodile tears. However still trying to detach slowly as its a step by step process.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
I have seen some of your most recent posts that you provide scenario based conversations between LBH and WAS. Would you be able to provide me some possibilities in the future on how my relationship would end so I can accept it and move on with life. My D is looming in just couple of weeks.
I will gave you a bit of context on what happened durring the last conversation.
We are seperated since 3 months. WAS insisted in talking to me casually and sent me a text while i was packing to relocate to a different city permanently leaving marital home. I agreed.
WAS: its been a hard time for both of us but i will always be your well wisher. If you need any help let me know i will be glad to.
Me: i am doing fine. I will manage and thanks for asking.
WAS: as you know we finally managed to decide what is best for both of us and this D is the solution. We both finally agreed mutually.
Me: i never agrred to D and there was no mutual agreement.This was your decision. You decided and I am OK with it. Please dont say that we mutually agreed.
WAS: All right i will take the entire blame for the downfall of this his marraige but i know we didnt have an option.
Me: i am not blaming you or anyone else here.its just a fact and i am simply stating it.thats all.
WAS: (crying and emotional) you have decided not to contest anything and allowed me to keep all money i earned. I cannot repay you back for all the emotional support and help you gave me to help me where i stand.you have to take money from me.
Me: listemed to her for a while. I stopped her short befire she continued long. I have my own self respect. I have told you i dont need your money earlier and i dont want even now. Even if i am on deathbed i wont come for your money. Its yours. I have heard you this and lets not discuss this again please.
WAS: Please dont talk about death. I also wanted to advice you you need to be careful about your investments in shares and stocks.dont play around too much. Its bad.
Me: stopped her short and told her what i do with my Money and my investments is my decision. I really do not need your advise.
WAS: "i am sorry".
(She said she was sorry after a very long time. I have never heard that word from her mouth since ages)
Me: when are your parents going to your native place so i can mail the marital assets to your home?
WAS: they are here right now and coming to me on d day. in another 2 months they leave back to our country but you can donate that to charity if its such a burden to you and your family. Even after divorce you can come to me anytime and i will give you money. Its always yours.
Me: i will see what can be done aboutbtjose assets.I think at this point we have had enough discussions and i think hopefully this is the last conversation we will ever have.
I said this and asked her to end the call unless we had eanything to discuss. We hung up.
Next day she calls me at 5 am before she left for work and i did not pick up. She sent a text saying she promised not to disturb or bother me one i leave this place but however she has few things she wants to talk about.
I woke up in the morning saw the message and texted back this - i never wanted any of this to happen and never did. Our relationship permanently ends in few weeks. At this time we need to keep our conversations strictly to divorce matters. However i will indulge u this one last time.remember this is the last convo we will EVER have. I want you to agree to my terms. A few chit chat on day of divorce and one email from you after divorce regarding health insurance switch over (i still pay her health insurance) and i will send an email / mail to send marital gifts back to her native. Wether you agree to these terms or not i want to wish you the very best in your life. She sees text after work and calls me furiously with agony and emotions that evening.
WAS on call : consider this my last call per your request. There are many things in this relationship that were never answered and i may never find a closure or solution for it. Why did you marry me when you never loved me? Just because you wanted to keep up with the promise you made for marraige? I gave you 6 months time expecting you to do something about the way i was treated by your parents. Now all this is too late (she expects apology from my parents who i have not been in touch in more than 6 months. Of course doesn't accept any of her faults for how she treated them) i did not want this divorce. However i did not have an option. You and your parents forced me to take this option because you all wanted this divorce to happen initiated from my end and not from your end. You really dont know the condition that i am in right now and leaving you in this agony. Regarding the email ,why should i send? I will have my lawyer contact you. Wish you all.the best.and hung up.
During the entire course of time i never spoke a word except the initial greeting. I simply listened. I sent her this text after that(i shouldnt have but i had to make myself heard) - what u said is crazy. You are a grown up woman and you can take your decisions.no one is forcing you to do that for you. I did not want this divorce and i never did.if you still want to discuss like a grown adult i am willing to.
She texted back - i am a grown woman and i have taken my decision. Consider this my last msg and text per your suggestion. Good luck and all the best for your future.
I texted - i reiterate if you still want to discuss like a grown adult i am willing to.
She texted back - i am a grown woman and i have made my decision and i will abide with it. I will not contact you and neither should you! End this. "you dont deserve me!"
After that it been 2 weeks + and no contact from either of us. Please provide some possible scenarios going forward and how i should deal with it. And hopefully a good closure to this relationship so it can help me move on.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Wow! Well, it isn't often I am at a loss for words.......but at the moment, I can't think of a possible scenario or conversation, if I am understanding what you want. Both of you are seriously attached emotionally, and don't know how to move toward each other or move forward without each other. Both of you are saying you don't want the D. Both of you are angry and blaming each other for getting the D. She wants you to tell her not to go through with it.......and you are being prideful (of all times) and won't tell her. She is being prideful, b/c you won't tell her to stop the D. You are putting the burden on her back, and that makes her more angry at you. That is crazy!
Both of you need professional therapy, in order to make peace with each other.......and to move forward, with or without each other. She did not have the education or the skills to know how to deal with the sexual impotency. She is 35, and probably thinking her biological clock is running out to have children. In some ways, she feels life (you) have cheated her. Do you see what I am saying here? She is bitter. She kept her virginity until she M at 30! That's pretty remarkable in this day & time. What was she rewarded? A H who could not perform sexually, and maybe leaving her childless. In the meantime, you are angry at her for not allowing you to get closer??? I suppose that is code, meaning as to help you in the sex department? I'm not sure. As I told you, my H had impotency issues when we were first M, and like your W, I didn't know what to do, (I'm talking about a girl who had never seen a picture of a naked man, much less seen any type of movie scenes showing adults having sex). I had been very sheltered, was an innocent teenager when I M. Quiet honestly, in my H's attempts to get "closer", it kind of left me feeling turned off........simply b/c I was sexually uneducated and did not know how to help him, and he didn't tell me.....so I just laid there, waiting on him. I thought men just knew what to do, and I never thought about something not functioning. I'm so sorry if I am not being delicate enough b/c I certainly don't want to hurt your feelings. I am trying to tell you that this is nobody's fault. At least, I don't see it. You both are mad and blaming each other.......and it is neither one's fault. As I've said before, your case is unique, compared to the majority of stories we read on the board. That's why I keep saying you need professional counseling.
Neither of you are addressing the true issue, as far as I can tell in your conversations. This has nothing to do with your parents. What she did was not right, but that's not the main problem, and never was. Both of you are talking around the main problem.
This is a sad, sad situation, b/c you love each other. The only advice I can offer is to seek counseling. If she is returning to her native country, then I suppose the counseling would have to be separate. I am just saying that you may have to see a counselor to get guidance in how to accept this situation, if the D is not stopped. As for as a conversation that would help you move on.......I'm not sure I fully understand, b/c you've told her you want no more conversations.......so what are you wanting to really say? Do you want to tell her to stop the D, or do you want to move on?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Really appreciate looking into my stitch and responding. However, I have a few points to make.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
She wants you to tell her not to go through with it.......and you are being prideful (of all times) and won't tell her. She is being prideful, b/c you won't tell her to stop the D. You are putting the burden on her back, and that makes her more angry at you. That is crazy!
I beg to differ that i have never attempted to stop the divorce. Of all things on earth, I have been doing my best and asked her to reconsider many number of times. However she is very adamant. Just like many other postings here, i hace stopped asking her as it appears like pursuing. So your above statement about me not stopping her is wrong. I have attempted every opportunity to have a meaningfull & peaceful conversation with her. However she doesn't budge. It appears she is under the influence of her family or she is simply leaving me due to my issues and my hate towards my family. I don't knkw!!
Originally Posted By: sandi2
As for as a conversation that would help you move on.......I'm not sure I fully understand, b/c you've told her you want no more conversations.......so what are you wanting to really say? Do you want to tell her to stop the D, or do you want to move on?
I want this relationship back more than anything. However i am just manging things under my control. I don't beleive in divorce. I don't want it and i never did. However i dont have an option. I am simply a scape goat and made to accept my fate here and forced to move on. What do you suggest on how i handle this?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Also the reason i said no more conversations is because we are left with just 2 weeks. She still is bringing money matters and topics which have been discussed many times before. I wanted to give an ultimatum and set boundaries. As there is no point in discussing all these when the court has set the date. What else would u suggest if i dont stand my ground even now?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Bumping again for Sandi2's attention 😊😊
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
