I was curious if anyone had any experience or advice when it comes to dealing with mutual friends and family when you are detaching. While I ve been detaching it has been very hard to not keep up appearances for mutual friends (especially with kids) and with family.
A lot of our social life revolves around mutual friends - and It really is the last barrier to true detachment for me and in a lot of ways make it hard to GAL. According to detachment I should be doing my own thing independent of my WW. But to the outside world and mutual friends, everything is fine.
Does anyone have advice based on their experience?
So my answer is what do you think detaching is? Many people think it means ignoring your W, or going "dark" on her. That is not detachment. Read the detachment thread.
To detach you simply are present. Pleased. Upbeat in her presence. No matter what she says or does. You do not react positively or negatively to anything she says or does. You remain present. Pleased. Upbeat.
You do not ignore her. You don't start conversations, but when she initiates conversation you respond in a present, upbeat, and pleased and confident way. You validate he feelings (read the validation thread).
Now, with that definition of detachment, what part of that can't be done in the presence of mutual friends and family?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Im probably not explaining or expressing the issues very well. Its not that its not possible - it just is difficult when you are trying to detach GAL and carve out your own path. The dynamic with our friends are the girls usually drive the social life and plans - as many of my guy friends cant be bothered (they might end up here with me!). So I feel there is a control factor at play -it feels like my wife makes plans (even weekends at a time) to maintain control of me and the family.
When we are with friends, we barely talk - but also act like nothing is wrong. I basically feel like it is an element of our life that gives her control over me - which I dont like.
The more I detach the more I dont feel I can really COMPLETELY detach unless we seperate. Does anyone else feel this way?
Last edited by Cadet; 06/21/1802:54 PM. Reason: restored post
Vinny, I hear you. There are some similarities with my situation. I think you already know the answer to your question. You have to face the fact that things have changed and are not what they used to be. Acceptance is one of the toughest parts of this process. Once you really accept that in your heart and in your mind, then you will be able to start your journey.
Once you have accepted, then you have to face the reality that your life has taken a different path, one that you have not chosen, but that you have to embrace. Your social life will change. The way you spend your time will change. The people in your life will change. I am not suggesting that you forget all your current friends. But you have to expand your social network and the way you spend your week-ends and your free nights.
Trying to hold on to your current lifestyle is like trying to hold on to your wife and is contrary to the idea of detaching. My suggestion is that you stop going to these events when you know that your wife will be there. She can take the kids if they want go, but you should spend that time to GAL. If your wife is not going, you can attend a few of these events but not all of them.
There will come a time when you will be ready to show up even when your wife is there, but from what I'm reading you're not ready yet. You need to be the best you can be in her presence, but you need to be calm, confident and detached. Like you said, continuing to go now is just delaying the process of detachment for you.
Also once you GAL and start doing new things and meeting new people, you will become much more interesting to her and to your mutual friends. When you will go to some of these events, you will have your own stories to tell that will show her that you are detached and ready to move on with or without her. Continuing to go now to all events is probably sending her the message that you have no life other than being with her and that you cannot move on without her.
My 2 cents!
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
One of the similarities with my situation is that the girls were also the ones who planned most of these activities. Once problems started between my W and me, I was left completely in the dark. She stopped telling me what was going on. That got me very angry at the beginning, which probably increased the problems between us. I was bitter, angry and resentful.
But with time, things started evolving. Believe it or not, the problems between us also affected the entire group of friends. They don't know how to deal with our problems. It is very awkward for them too. And it often even causes tensions between other men and women in the group. In my situation, I think it sort of split up our group into 2: one group that is more family oriented and are closer to me, and another group that is more activity oriented and is led by the girls.
So now, I am sure that there are many outings that I am not invited to anymore. I don't know if my wife goes or not. I don't even care. And there are other outings more family oriented where both my W and I are invited. I go to some of these mostly for the kids, but my W doesn't.
But I working on GAL outside of this mutual friends group. Same for my kids.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Im probably not explaining or expressing the issues very well. Its not that its not possible - it just is difficult when you are trying to detach GAL and carve out your own path. The dynamic with our friends are the girls usually drive the social life and plans - as many of my guy friends cant be bothered (they might end up here with me!). So I feel there is a control factor at play -it feels like my wife makes plans (even weekends at a time) to maintain control of me and the family.
When we are with friends, we barely talk - but also act like nothing is wrong. I basically feel like it is an element of our life that gives her control over me - which I dont like.
The more I detach the more I dont feel I can really COMPLETELY detach unless we seperate. Does anyone else feel this way?
Vinny, again I don't think you really understand detachment. Detachment is like Green Eggs and Ham. Everyone thinks it can't happen or work in their sitch.
Can you detach in a box? Can you detach with a fox? Yes you can detach in a box! Yes you can detach with a fox!
Vinny, I recently have spent a lot of time on the physical separation, no physical separation issue. Again, everyone thinks the opposite of their sitch is better. Talk to those that are physically separated and they ask "how can I show GAL, 180s and detachment when she isn't around?" Those that are not say "it is too hard to GAL, 180 and detach when I am around her all the time!"
The truth is GAL, 180s and detachment ARE ALWAYS HARD!! Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. No it is not easier if you were physically separated. No it is not easier living together. It is different, yes, but never easier.
You are still focusing too much on her. Once you focus on Vinny then the GAL, 180s and detachment will come much much easier.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
