I've been around here a while, now, working on my own MR, but now i am trying to "pay forward" some of the help i have received on these boards. Some things in your sitch as you have related on here remind me a bit of mine-- you seem to imply, for instance, at least some period of spousal "neglect" which bred resentment and isolation in your W-- but... your threads seem a bit thin on details, and i notice that you don't have a quick thumbnail "profile" at the bottom as many do. Would you mind terribly providing a semi-detailed sketch of your sitch? I feel I'd be better able to provide help/support if i knew more.
In the meantime, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how hard and demoralizing this period can be. Hang in there, keep sending up your own prayers, and do everything you can to take care of and be the best "you" you can be!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Hi Jim...appreciate your interest and support in my sitch!
I have updated my profile to be complete. Course the EA/PA stuff I honestly have no idea.
Semi-detailed sketch would be W and I having fun, going out, doing our thing happy prior to deciding to try and get pregnant. God's blessing we did and have a beautiful D. Pregnancy was tough for W esp weight gain/body image. Few pictures of W while pregnant. Post pregnancy weight/body image depression. Didn't want to go out, be seen. Few pictures of W with D. Connected with D fine, loves her but could not be the "happy mom". I suggested W raise this issue with OBGyn, but that did not happen. We were able to do more as D moved from baby to 3, but we spent most of our time on weekends laying low. W enjoyed us having nothing to do. Our time awake was focused on D...feed, change diaper, nap down, nap up, eat, play, etc. Groundhog Day if that makes sense. As we spent most of our awake time together when D was awake, at naps or when she went to sleep, I'd do my thing and W would do her thing. I felt that gave each of us time to do what we wanted, but rarely did we make it OUR time. So I wouldn't say I was being spousal neglectful, I honestly thought I was enabling W to have much needed time to herself. I should add during this time we went on several trips as a couple without D and had great times on each.
Anyway...BD W says "I'm unhappy and something needs to change" I get zero beyond that as far as an explanation. I did get "we are nothing but roommates" to which I did not disagree with BUT I felt many couples struggle with that once children arrive and believed it was something we could address AND would improve once D got to 4/5 and was more self sufficient and we could more easily bring her with us. Intimacy...well as said above the routine day to day...after D was down we didn't retire together.
From the beginning of physical separation at the same time as BD, W has been unwilling to want to work/try with me. As I found this site, I gave up pursuit and began to read and work on myself. A few days after W left she removed her ring and that was the end of her interest in "working on us". A few weeks ago I took my ring off and basically unleashed h*ll. Where prior to ring removal W was at least somewhat polite, afterwards W accused me of chasing after one of her GFs and basically went quiet on me. W has "developed" this belief that I'm now with an imaginary woman and therefore, I have "moved on". As provided above either W really believes this OR she is using this to portray me the bad guy in order to displace the guilt she feels. ANGER/resentment/control those are the 3 words to describe my W's behavior. Oh and no desire to talk/work/share a feeling/zippo.
I know I've missed stuff and I'm sorry for that. Trying to rehash all of what has transpired over the last few months of this roller coaster is not the easiest thing to do. At this point only starting the 4th month really, hope in what seems like a hopeless process is very difficult. The whole ring on/ring off, does she really think I've moved on, etc. Part of me from all this crazy is ready to drop the rope, put my ring back on, tell her to cut the crap on this delusional belief of someone else and let it roll and let her divorce me. The level of dysfunction I feel I subject myself to each day...meh I ain't sure it's worth it anymore.
Hang in there Ballast. Like others have said here, you WANT her to think that you are getting on with your life (and it would be even better to truly get on with your life.) This is a rollercoaster ride, and not the fun kind. You always have the choice to say no more, I am getting off. Just make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons, and not making an emotional decision.
My W, similar to yours, has been basically incommunicado and resolute since BD. It is hard to maintain any semblance of hope in this type of scenario. All we can do is work on ourselves and hope that our model of positivity and stability, our lighthouse, attracts them back from the edge. But there are no guarantees for that. The only guarantee is that if we keep working on ourselves we will end up in a better spot than we started.
I am with you.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Let me be clear I.WILL.NOT.GIVE.UP! Do not have a clue what is going to happen but guess I will find out.
Just feel myself getting to a point where the whole drop the rope/let her go action is no longer me trying to force myself to make it happen, but rather her actions are forcing me to save myself first. Like she is detaching me if that makes sense.
As I say just feel like I should stand for the man I am, what I believe, whom I love, she left, I will always have my hand out to her wanting our relationship and family. If she does not, my conscience is clear, guilt free, God will not abandon me and I will prosper, I loved you sweetheart, set me free...
Amen. Save yourself. After that she may follow, but that is secondary.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Alright so I would prefer not to provide specific details, but I have further reason to believe she really does think I'm seeing someone else even though that's utterly and completely false. I haven't talked/texted/done a thing towards ANY other lady. The only thing I've done is take my ring off. Part of me wants to call out this belief as a complete lie, keep my integrity as a man who wants his marriage and keep my ring on, case closed on this. But...the other folks around here probably think this is a good thing even though I can't see it for the life of me. Allowing this lie to continue as truth is very tough for a moral man like myself.
ballast, the truth is the truth. Someone believing something other than truth doesn't change the truth. NGS says "I HAVE TO CARE WHAT EVERYONE THINKS ABOUT ME". When really what anyone or anyones think is irrelevant to the actual truth.
Don't confuse truth with what people believe. It is very rare that it matches and hand wringing over it is useless.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes Steve very true. I guess in this instance it's just my desire for MR and feeling like if W believes I've moved on and I do not dispute this, she believes it to be true and so I lose more ground with her than I gain. Although I can see very clearly the gain in attraction as Jim and others have previously commented on. Torn is all between the moral and the desire for the MR.
Yes Steve very true. I guess in this instance it's just my desire for MR and feeling like if W believes I've moved on and I do not dispute this, she believes it to be true and so I lose more ground with her than I gain. Although I can see very clearly the gain in attraction as Jim and others have previously commented on. Torn is all between the moral and the desire for the MR.
Youve heard that DBing is counter-intuitive. Well here you go. You have to do what is unnatural to you in order to save your MR. By all means if you are in a verbal conversation with you and she says something you can calmly and directly say "that isn't true". But then let it go, don't be insistent, don't overly protest. Just state it once and move on. If she continues to push just stick to "that's not true" and move on.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
