Thanks for your responses 25, Nicole, LoneWlf, Natash and Rose.
I do not want to paint myself as an innocent victim in the hands of a monster. H has been a very loving and supportive person prior BD. I definitely have issues that I should work on but nothing to me justifies a D. I understand WASs think differently so patience is a huge 180 for me and I actually think I have been doing that well although the imminent D doesnt make it seem so Ours is a classic case of a very busy couple failing to scale up to the hard work and responsibilites that come with having children. While I thought we were ready for baby 2, after BD H says he never was. Like all the other things he brings up now, this was never once voiced. But he has continued to be a good father to D3, accepted baby after a few months but now is very affectionate towards her and takes good care of her.
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do you believe you were controlling to your husband? Is that something you recognize in yourself
Nicole, Upon reflection I have realized I have been short tempered, critical and especially the last year in bad moods because I had felt H did not contribute much at home and I had to manage a toddler, house hold chores while pregnant. I failed to communicate this in a loving way and was nagging him. I have not controlled his behavior but he has said he feels I have ruled him with guilt I always plan life ahead and have a fall back plan, be it career or personal life and he seemed to be a willing partner until now, he now says early on he realized there was not much use arguing once I made up my mind so he just stopped trying. Unfortunately I was not aware and he has built resentment internally, again all my analysis I may be completely off. The cruel irony is that this is so out of my control and H was the only one I never had a back up plan for, to me it was for life.
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And for a grown man to need to go find himself b/c his wife, who just had his second child, is "controlling", reeks of excuse making
25, He has complained of depression for over a year now without seeking any help for it. I still believe what we have is a marital crisis and he is throwing away our MR for how he sees things now.
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At times forgetting our own - codependency. After doing this for a while it becomes normal and we tend to lose ourselves.
Lonewlf, this definitely could have happened to us. I understand now that it was a very enmeshed and codependent MR, H just decided having met young and married young he has missed out on things he would have done otherwise.
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The conclusion I came to was I had certain expectations and, like you said, I made my decisions based on what is best for our family.
Natash, in my sitch I probably would have thought doing what I did was best for us too but H never voiced his disagreements.
Not to wallow in self pity, but what [censored] in my sitch is he hit me at my lowest, shut down soon after my delivery and BDd when baby was 2 months. I probably suffered more because of the state I was in postpartum and made all the mistakes of begging, crying, pursuit but did not lose patience. I will never give up on the MR, because I still believe our sitch does not warrant a D, my babies deserve a parents full time and because H has been a loving, respectable person in the past. But doing this while enforcing boundaries is healthy for me and the kids, I am so grateful to everyone who is able to advise me through this.
I don't get the feeling you are wallowing in self pity. I think you have an infant at home, and that's the time in women's lives when we are most vulnerable. That is just true.
And it's a truly lousy time to wound your wife with selfish or dishonest behavior.
That is just true.
((( )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you 25, your perspective helps me understand that I need my self worth in place and still can continue standing up to my M.
All, I have a question on father's day gift LBS etiquette. I know we are not supposed to buy any gifts/ show materialistic appreciation. H got me a shutterfly product with the kids pic on it for mothers day. On mothers day itself, told me he sure wants a D and will set up an appointment with mediator and never wished me but a few days later had D3 give this to me and said shipping was delayed. should I give him a fathers day gift? if so how thoughtful on a scale of 1 to 10?
Let me add how impressed I am by you and how you are handling this situation with a little baby and another child, and your H still in the house. You are doing an amazing job all things considered.
In terms of fathers day I wouldnt buy a damn thing. He is walking out on the R with a little baby, I think he has forfeited any right to a "good dad" present.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Arsh- I'm with Davide. With the BD he fired you from your job. He is not your father. I would keep civil wish him Happy fathers Day and no more. Stay strong!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thanks Davide and Lonewlf, guess H wont be getting that personalized mug for him to have coffee at work after all.
Yesterday, during a convo about D 6 months, he slipped up and called me honey but I behaved as if I did not even notice it. 2 weeks ago, he called me sweetie in the middle of a convo and there was an awkward pause between us, he took some time and came back 10 times angrier as if he slipping was my fault somehow. I know there are not positives in anyway because yesterday he also confirmed he is setting up a follow up appointment with mediator. IC thinks it may be because his anger is reducing and its very tiring for someone to be angry for so long. But these slip ups have never happened since BD before now, is this common with a WAS or is it some kind of test?
I agree with your IC! Remaining angry requires energy. Especially if it is someone you care about. And he clearly cares about you. It doesn't sounds like he called you sweetie or honey in a manipulative way. That is the only way that would be a negative to be called those things. So yes I think his anger is lessening. I think if you can continue to stall he will eventually come around.
arsh you are doing great. Stay the course.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Arsh- Great job!It is these small victories that give us a glimmer of hope. As you already know this is a long journey. Take the time to enjoy these tidbits of peace yet remain vigilant in your objective of detachment. Stay Well!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Of course such joys are short lived. I was at the mediator suggested counseling today so he wanted an update. H - what happened at your counseling? How many more sessions? (it was supposed to be MC but since he wouldnt go it has become IC) I - It was fine, I am talking to her. She needs to see me for more sessions H - I dont understand why you are dragging your feet with this. I want to proceed here. I - I am not dragging my feet and I am not in your way, do whatever you want to do. D3 started talking to us so I diverted attention to her and just said it is not the right time to discuss this and he left room. I was very calm throughout, he was not crazy angry but there was disdain for sure. There was no swearing or talking me down. I dont think I validated though. Although I do not show it, these talks engulf me with an impending gloom so I miss a DB beat. How did I fare please assess and let me know. I am sure he will set up the next appointment with the mediator now, there was nothing I could do to stop him.
