Well in thread 17 I will start off by telling everyone that I found out my EW is seeing another guy. She told me tonight when she stopped by to drop off some supplies for our D's for camp next week.
I guess she has been seeing him since around Jan which sounds like around the time she told me she wanted to move forward with D.
I held my cool for the most part, I did make one backhanded comment when she told me how tall he was. She said he was 5'6, I am 6'2 and she joked that she is still taller than him and I said "oh, so he is a little fella"? I was mad at myself for doing it but after that I pulled it together.
I told her as long as she was happy and most importantly when he meets the girls that he is good to them. I guess he is a father and his kids are older. I asked her if she would give me a heads up before he met them and she said he would. I ended the conversation by telling her that I didn't want to hear anything more about their R unless it is going to impact the girls and she said she understood. She said she was attracted to him, I guess he is a former police officer and is studying to be a nurse. She then commented that he is the polar opposite of me, more of a type A personality. I guess he is going to potentially meet my girls in a couple of weeks or so.
So I am kinda numb, it does sting a little bit even though we are D'd and I don't think you can ever be prepared for that conversation to happen. When she told me my heart did drop for a second, I wish I hadn't of made my off handed comment but considering the circumstance I believe I did very well.
Unfortunately it really makes me sad when I think about my girls.....then i feel rage and the timing around her telling me after she just gets settled in her new place.
Just as the wound starts to heal it gets re-opened.
Damnnn!! I am so sorry to hear that bro. This couldn't have just started when she said she wanted a D, but most likely prior to that.
Yeh, i don't think you can ever be prepared for such a conversation, even if you're D'd. I guess I am going to have to brace myself for something similar.
$hit, this does reopen a whole lotta stuff. That off-handed comment is alright and no biggie man. I don't understand the attraction about the Type A personality. That could mean so many things - like really negative things lol. I know I have been able to cool down my Type A stuff and it definitely wasn't the most endearing quality I had.
Is it Type A in like getting $hit done and being action oriented all the time? Anyways, it doesn't matter in the large scheme of things. I hope you're not having rats running through the timeline of what happened in your mind.
Sorry man! Time for self-care again. Hopefully you were able to do something good for yourself tonight.
M - TBH, it feels worse than standing before the judge. I feel myself replaying a ton of $hit in my head. Going back over the last 6 months or so and I agree I believe it was prior to that as well. The feelings are hard to describe, anger, sadness etc. but it also give me clarity as well. I think finally understanding how far gone she really was. Then the anger kicks in.........
Yes, that is Type A. I just have to keep moving but man what a kick in the go nads.
M - Just to add the thing that [censored] also is that they have had such a head start. She was obviously dating more than likely from the moment she moved out and here we are waiting until the D is final and then we pick up the pieces and move on. Truthfully, it probably wouldn't have hurt as much if I had already been dating somone. I know it's not supposed to be that with self-validation, finding our own happiness, etc. but that head start is huge.
Yeh man, I can't even imagine the pain, anger, and sadness. I guess what also gets me is her operating in bad faith and just not giving the full picture from the beginning. I bet you this path would've been different for you if you had known that she was dating, and then actually dating someone exclusively for a long time.
They've had a head start on all of this. Rather then being honest and putting in the work, this is the route chosen, which is mind boggling to say the least.
It's like a game plan was hatched and then executed by BD and leaving everything behind and starting a new life basically.
What also guts me is how there was no way for you to know, unless you became Batman or something. This brings me to the painful realization of how little and pathetic those crumbs are that we're hanging on to in the early stages, and even after we have to actively shove them out of our mind to detach and not read into stupid little things. Such an effort! It truly shows how far gone they are and how this has a planned trajectory that the LBS can't even fathom.
I am so so sorry man! I wish you had known about her dating and you had something tangible. I think it would've maybe helped you pick up those pieces faster. in my case, W went out on a couplea dates and what not after BD, but then I have no idea what happened. I would be a fool not to consider that this has been going on and I tell myself that she's probably with someone. But, I know that when I actually find out, it's going to be a motherfu#$er of a beast to wrangle down.
I am really lost as what to say you need to do next. At the very least, you need to have some days off from life to let this sink in and deal with it.
I am so sorry J. I actually felt your pain, because I know it all so well, and i am sorry. My ex cheated on me, and every guy I dated I had a GF 5 minutes before or after we broke up. Of course it would hurt less if you were dating someone, but your time will come. You will get through this.
I have something to say, and it's not to make you angry, but I will be honest, I am actually angry about it, and this is why I caution against acting like the H when you aren't anymore.
When you were moving her and doing all that husbandly stuff, she had a boyfriend! That was pretty ballsy of her! he should have been doing it!
Save your really good guy stuff for those who deserve it. You are seriously such a catch. You have a lot to offer someone who won't take advantage.
As far as your girls go, they will be fine. They know who daddy is, no worries there.
FWIW,
I prefer 6'2 and Type B personalities. There are plenty of women who do!
I told her as long as she was happy and most importantly when he meets the girls that he is good to them. I guess he is a father and his kids are older. I asked her if she would give me a heads up before he met them and she said he would. I ended the conversation by telling her that I didn't want to hear anything more about their R unless it is going to impact the girls and she said she understood. She said she was attracted to him, I guess he is a former police officer and is studying to be a nurse. She then commented that he is the polar opposite of me, more of a type A personality.
First of all being happy is a state of mind she can not find right now. Changing relationships like you put on new underwear does not make you happy. So telling her that is a waste of breath. She thinks that finding someone the polar opposite might do it but I can guarantee that it will be a cheese less tunnel.
Plus if he is a police office - please tell me that helping someone to cheat on their husband is a good way to start a relationship. He has issues too. Major ones.
All you can do is clean your side of the street and not worry about hers.
It is a tough lesson to learn but eventually you will learn it.
Yeh as Ginger said, she got you to move her stuff and set her up while she had a BF is just awful and cruel and very much using you - it just makes me gag and disgusted.
I know you did what you did cuz you're a stand up guy and wanted to get her settled and not be responsible for anything after that. But if I remember correctly, when you talked to her about it she said she had nobody to help and count on for stuff like that. WTF - she still had a BF then.
I am angry now that your good character was taken for a full ride by her. And as Cadet said, if the guy helped her break the marriage, he's got serious issues and their characters match each other and let them go down their stupid path. Regret will come. Maybe not today, not this year, but it will come down on her hard one day and you'll already be way above her pay grade. Suck on them apples at that point!
Well I got up this morning and got a workout in, made me feel better but it does still sting and I am pissed. Especially the more I think about how it went down, the things she said, and just the timeline of it all. It seems like she had it all planned out.
I could tell she struggled to tell me. When she starts the convo out by telling me she is dating someone and he is only 5'6, then calls me honey it doesn't signal to me a vote of confidence.
I wish I would have said less, maybe something more along the lines of "Thanks for letting me know and please only talk to me about it if it involves the girls" but I got sucked in a bit. Nothing that I regret, I just wished that I felt the same way last night as I do right now.
I am just so angry but I know taking it out on her or showing it her is not the right path. When I look back on my sitch I don't have many regrets but the one I do have is moving her in to her condo.
I know it's not my responsibility to punish her but man I hope she gets her day. I don't think I could ever take her back or attempt to recon after this. I know my emotions are raw but fuch.
M - You hit the nail on the head. I did it because that is who I am and I wanted my girls to see daddy involved. I also didn't do it expecting something in return but now knowing there is a BF is mind blowing.
G - When I read your post you broke me down. You can't make me angry. When I think about what she did, that makes me angry. It is taking me a lot to not let her known how I feel. It really changes my opinion of her.
J - Thanks, it was always in the back of mind but until you get a name or confirmation that it is going on it's hard to completely let yourself go there.
C - Your right, it is a tough lesson to learn but I am trying every day. I am just glad that I didn't break down, and go all Mr. Melty man, I wish I would have said less as well.
I need time to process because I don't know where I go from here.
