Well, W just stopped by to pick up our S. So I put on my DB face. I was polite, upbeat, all of the things. She looked really sad...she has this look that she gets when she's done something (or rather, someone) that is kind of a guilty/sad look.
I asked "how was your weekend?" and she said "I worked a lot".
"Oh, I hear ya. You look sad, are you ok?"
"I just really want to leave."
"Oh, I understand. I'll get his things, and I'll get out of your way."
So that's exactly what I did. I got our S things, helped him buckle up, then told him goodbye.
I gave a friendly wave as they left. She gave a tiny, halfhearted wave back.
I know. I can read her face really well. Something is bothering her that isn't exactly me, and I know she's avoiding me most likely because of it.
Whatever it is, part of me hopes she's feeling guilty. Maybe that's not the right way to be, but she knows that I can see it in her face. Which might explain her body language. Arms crossed really tightly, wanting to avoid a conversation, can't really look at me directly in the eyes.
I hope it's eating her up. Either way, I'm doing the DB thing, and I WILL save my marriage.
I just hope she figures out quickly that the depression she has isn't because of me anymore...it's because of her own choices and issues.
Maybe she'll open up one day. Today wasn't the day, and I'm not going to press the issue with her.
Basically, detaching, doing the GAL...you make yourself happy.
Meanwhile, the WW still isn't happy, but you are, and so she can't blame you and HAS to, at some point, take ownership of her own issues...because you aren't there to cause her more problems...or the problems she had before are STILL there...so she can't blame you for them at all.
I'm thinking this is part of the psychological aspect of DB...I have this thing where if I understand things, I perform better. Am I on the right track with this line of thinking?
That is definitely a part of it. But do not underestimate the ability of a WW not to see that her problems are bigger than her ex. She may NEVER come to that realization. It can help her see it, but many do not.
The key is this: you make yourself happy.
Once you do that, it doesn't matter what she does or doesn't realize.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She's definitely the type to dwell on things, stay angry, and justify them to herself...but then, she's also intelligent. She knows which of her issues aren't because of me. She's even told me that she knows that the hurt that she attributed to me wasn't intentional, and she knows I wouldn't have ever done anything to cause her to hurt.
So at least she knows that.
So now, I'm focused on myself. And hoping that she realizes that she's still (very obviously) hurting about something. She has a conscience, although it seems to malfunction from time to time. I've seen that in the past.
So...here's hoping this is going well.
When she dropped our S off at the sitter's place today, I was looking out the window. Not at her specifically, just happened to be at the window. I saw her look up at the window. I don't know whether she saw me or not. She probably did. Heh. Ah well.
I'm going to try to find an excuse not to be home when she comes back to pick him up. I'm going to keep trying to be scarce. I don't really have much to do, but who knows. Maybe I'll find something to stay busy with.
If S3 is often asking you why you are sad, then you may need to try harder to put on your happy face around him. If he sees you smiling and uplifted when Mommy comes to take him home, yet you are sad when he's around, he could misunderstand and think he is the problem. It is really tough to put on a happy face for our kids when our heart is breaking, but we can be our strongest and best selfs for them.
This may sound anti-DBing to your ears, but I think you need to stop focusing on how to fix the situation with your W. Stop thinking about what might be troubling her, or if she looks sad, etc. Turn your attention on self healing, rather than relationship healing. Even if she came back today, you would mess it up b/c you have not healed enough to deal with it. You are still reacting out of your pain. You are in no condition to fix the relationship, until you have time to heal yourself. Do you understand what I mean? You are putting all your thoughts, time, energy, feelings, and attention into her. When you stop doing that, and you start putting everything into your own healing and growth........then your life is going to shift from this pit you are in currently.
As a former WW, I can tell you that everything you say to her is emotional pressure. Just your physical presence is emotional pressure on her. Not in the way you might hope.......like making her feel guilty for what she's done......and even then, it makes her want to get away from you as fast as possible, or avoid you altogether. Asking her about her weekend is not appropriate. Making references to her facial expressions and asking if she wants to talk is not appropriate at this time. I realize these things are difficult to accept, but they work against you......not for you. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If S3 is often asking you why you are sad, then you may need to try harder to put on your happy face around him. If he sees you smiling and uplifted when Mommy comes to take him home, yet you are sad when he's around, he could misunderstand and think he is the problem. It is really tough to put on a happy face for our kids when our heart is breaking, but we can be our strongest and best selfs for them.
2nd this. I had been letting my moods show around my S3 far too much and his attitude and temperament definitely reflected that. Lately he has been asking in a cheerful voice "Dada, are you HAPPY?!" and i can honestly and gleefully tell him "Yes Dada IS happy" it is amazing how much mirroring they do. Having S3 angry and throwing tantrums all the time, when i was already stressed and mentally exhausted was really hard. Its amazing how if you let up on yourself you see positive changes in them.
Good Luck Black
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I do try to be positive with S3, in fact Sunday we pretty much spent the whole day being happy, playing, chasing each other around the house (apparently I'm the spider king...lol). But Saturday was rough.
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Just your physical presence is emotional pressure on her. Not in the way you might hope.......like making her feel guilty for what she's done......and even then, it makes her want to get away from you as fast as possible, or avoid you altogether.
This kind of resonates with me. Today S3 was at the sitter's house (which is basically downstairs), and W had to work late...so she asked her friends to pick him up. Not me. Now, they live farther away than necessary...she could have literally asked me to just go get him...but she's willing to inconvenience herself just to avoid being anywhere near me. The funny thing is tonight she was working about 4 blocks from my place, so it would have 1) given me more time with S3 and 2) been a lot easier on her when she gets off of work later (assuming she actually does work as late as she told the sitter).
Oh well.
Also, I found out that she is doing a cash side job...AFTER telling the court that she couldn't afford court fees. It's the same one she used to do (but used to get paid legit) working with the people who have been slandering me. Ugh.
So...she seems to be kind of almost trying to get in over her head with all of this...? I dunno. It's weird.
I do try to be positive with S3, in fact Sunday we pretty much spent the whole day being happy, playing, chasing each other around the house (apparently I'm the spider king...lol). But Saturday was rough.
This is great! One of the LBH's who use to be on the board, told us that whenever he felt his happy face slipping, he would go into the bathroom and bury his face in a stack of towels until he cried it out. Then, he would compose himself and go out for the next round.
When I use the expression "happy face", I don't mean you have to walk around with a fake smile plastered from ear to ear. Just try to be self aware and not look like you've lost your last friend. That's what others pick up is the sad expressions.
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Today S3 was at the sitter's house (which is basically downstairs), and W had to work late...so she asked her friends to pick him up. Not me. Now, they live farther away than necessary...she could have literally asked me to just go get him...but she's willing to inconvenience herself just to avoid being anywhere near me. The funny thing is tonight she was working about 4 blocks from my place, so it would have 1) given me more time with S3 and 2) been a lot easier on her when she gets off of work later (assuming she actually does work as late as she told the sitter).
Okay, so how did you know about all of this ^^^^^^^? If it was her turn, or whatever, to pick up S3, doesn't she have the prerogative to ask her friends to get him? I understand every move she makes is irritation for you, but you must let go of these smaller issues. Unless it is written in the custody agreement, or whatever, that she gives you the first option of picking up/keeping S3 when she can't.......then there isn't much you can do about it. Although I empathize, you have to accept that there will times she'll go out of her way to avoid involving you in the least way. It doesn't make sense to you, but she has her reasons. Could be that she just did not want another face to face, since the last time, IDK.
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Also, I found out that she is doing a cash side job...AFTER telling the court that she couldn't afford court fees. It's the same one she used to do (but used to get paid legit) working with the people who have been slandering me. Ugh.
So...she seems to be kind of almost trying to get in over her head with all of this...? I dunno. It's weird.
How are finding out so much about her business? Tell you what, I want to offer you a challenge. I challenge you to go for the next 7 days that you don't go to whatever source you are currently using to acquire all of this information about your W. I mean, you seem to be keeping tabs on her somehow. It is not helping you. It only pours salt into your open wounds. So, will you accept the challenge?
During the next 7 days, will you really focus on yourself and what you can do to start healing? I suspect you'll want to say that saving your M will start the healing, but you have to save yourself, first. What are you currently doing to help yourself come through this crisis a sane, stronger, independent, attractive man?
How do you spend your days/evenings when you don't have S3?
Have you set any personal goals (unrelated to your MR) for the next six months? If not, give it some thought.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
How are finding out so much about her business? Tell you what, I want to offer you a challenge. I challenge you to go for the next 7 days that you don't go to whatever source you are currently using to acquire all of this information about your W. I mean, you seem to be keeping tabs on her somehow. It is not helping you. It only pours salt into your open wounds. So, will you accept the challenge?
I find everything out mostly by things she has said or done (she's really terrible at hiding things), plus I'm close friends with the sitter, I'm friends with someone who is her best friend's husband, and just general observation. Of all of the bad things ADHD has done in my life, it's made me very good at picking up on little things and thinking outside the box. I tend to solve puzzles really easily.
I've been focusing mostly on exercising and trying to eat healthier. I go to the park for walks. Yesterday, I felt that I was getting angry, so I went for a second walk. I did have a doctor's appointment yesterday, but I had to reschedule it because without insurance, the visit was too much (and medication would have been even more). I definitely need to get rid of my anxiety, but I'm in a very bad position financially right now, and doctors don't usually accept promises.
I'm going to try to let stuff go and see if I can just make it through the week without really trying to figure stuff out. Honestly, I wish my mind would cooperate with me on that. Heh.
I feel like absolute hell inside.
My days AND evenings are pretty much spent on my own. Most of my friends have lives, families, etc. I'm kind of on my own most of the time. In fact, the only human interaction I've REALLY had over the last 3.5 years has been with S3. W was always working late. We used to talk in the evenings, and most of the time it was nice. Really, without them here, I kinda just don't have anyone. I've made a few new friends, but again, they have stuff to do that doesn't really give them time to hang out, talk, etc.
