My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 2

[Vanilla]

I have no way/opportunity to enforce it yet, do I? Hadn't seen her until just tonight a few min ago.

Are you saying I should have said it upfront and been like nah I don't think so. That's how it's going to happen if I get another chance.

Harsh words don't scare me, I need to stay as aware as possible.

She went back to the front bedroom tonight. Sunday and Monday she stayed in the MBR. F me I got played.

Yep to all that

V

[ovrrnbw]

Where to go from here? I don't really care to respond to her texts and calls today. Any reason I need to consider doing otherwise?

[SteveLW]

Notes from counseling today:

-I'm still exhibiting NGS b/c I'm saying "I don't know" instead of "No" to soften the blows when WW asked for hugs or to be held.
-WW is lying and manipulating b/c she wants to keep me close to her (according to counselor)
-next time WW asks to do something I need to say that "I can't do that b/c I can't trust you, you hurt me and I can't let you keep doing that". Counselor wants me to put it like I know how she must have felt, in that my words were harsh and WW couldn't trust me. Now her words aren't safe for me either.
-talk about emotions, not facts
-counselor thinks WW is hurt and questioning her decisions.
-counselor says don't deliver any message with too much energy (even though her boundary crossing hurt) or the message can be overwhelmed

Just logging the big points here. I'd love to hear some opinions.

Sounds like you have a good one there!! Keep up the good work, and institute what the C is telling you. Remember, you are trying to show her how attractive you are. Yeses and Noes incite respect and respect incites attractiveness. IDK is wishywashy, and does not command respect and therefore doesn''t help for attractiveness.

[ovrrnbw]

Notes from counseling today:

-I'm still exhibiting NGS b/c I'm saying "I don't know" instead of "No" to soften the blows when WW asked for hugs or to be held.
-WW is lying and manipulating b/c she wants to keep me close to her (according to counselor)
-next time WW asks to do something I need to say that "I can't do that b/c I can't trust you, you hurt me and I can't let you keep doing that". Counselor wants me to put it like I know how she must have felt, in that my words were harsh and WW couldn't trust me. Now her words aren't safe for me either.
-talk about emotions, not facts
-counselor thinks WW is hurt and questioning her decisions.
-counselor says don't deliver any message with too much energy (even though her boundary crossing hurt) or the message can be overwhelmed

Just logging the big points here. I'd love to hear some opinions.

Sounds like you have a good one there!! Keep up the good work, and institute what the C is telling you. Remember, you are trying to show her how attractive you are. Yeses and Noes incite respect and respect incites attractiveness. IDK is wishywashy, and does not command respect and therefore doesn''t help for attractiveness.

Thanks Steve, hopefully so.

IDK is totally NGS. Can't be scared that she isn't going to like what I say.

I can't believe I let myself have expectations that she would be hoenest and stay in the MBR. Beyond pissed. Going no contact for a little while for me.

[ovrrnbw]

WW got drunk yesterday afternoon and locked herself out of the house. Of course the only thing to do is to blow up my phone, text a bunch of times, and then call my office. I have been not answering her calls during work hours, and waited until I left work to respond, but WW already figured it out. I'm guessing this struggle was alcohol related.


I locked myself out on accident about 6 weeks ago and WW told me to climb in a window. Hopefully she took her own advice.


I had some GAL last night, tweren't bad. Talked about NGS and not worrying about making WW by telling the truth when she asks. I looked at truth as facts in the past and have always softened the emotion of it. My counselor wants me to work on this as well.

[Vanilla]

Where to go from here? I don't really care to respond to her texts and calls today. Any reason I need to consider doing otherwise?

Respond if it creates danger or damage. Otherwise if your boundary is 'ring me in an emergency at work only'.

Otherwise let WW suffer the consequences of her behaviour. If you can turn your personal phone off. You can compartmentalise.

Do this because it's necessary for your work not to be passive aggressive. Do this be a useful it's a boundary enforcement not punishment.

My thoughts

V

[Vanilla]

I wouldn't accept or refuse. Just have plans.

She is behaving like a teenager in this. With teenage boyfriend dramas. If it was I then I would be tempted to say 'grow up'.

Quite odd.

Stay in the MBR.

V

V, what do you mean when you say "I wouldn't accept or refuse". What are you speaking in regards to?

Her invites to go out.

As she is in teenage mode I doubt if you as an adult would enjoy teenage high jinx which are alcohol fuelled.

In order to have a good R then you will need emotional connection and alcohol gets in the way of true intamacy.

V

[ovrrnbw]

Just read someone else's post and it made me think of my situation. I haven't really been wearing my ring for over a month. WW asked me about it a week ago during anniversary "celebration"... Of course I wanted to say you took yours off and told me you wanted a divorce. WW also wears her ring to work, which I don't get.

Any thoughts whether I should wear it or not?

[Davide]

I would say wear it if you want, dont if you dont. But do it for yourself, not to get any reaction out of her.

[Vanilla]

It's a personal thing.

I wore mine until filing. Then I went out and got myself a pretty ring of my own.

Partly because I wasn't ready to date or be available.

Then my aged ma died so I wear one of her rings, now on my right hand. I also wear my ring from H1 who died.

So do the thing that feels right to you.

V