Gordie, please, please do not do yourself the grave disservice of thinking that your wife only gave up OM because he wasn't a sugar daddy and her business isn't enough to support her.
You had the courage and strength to 180 and GAL, and showed her that marriage to you could be a new and different thing. That you were capable of change and growth.
Don't undervalue that.
Will she ultimately fully commit to marriage? I don't know. Progress is there, but slow, and I don't know what bends in the road will come.
But your strength and willingness to change and grow have had an impact.
Don't doubt that.
Keep GAL. Keep using 180s in situations where you'd like to see improvement.
These are both key even once the relationship fully reconciles.
You got this.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Its hard to describe what I find applicable in your situation to mine. I think it has to do with mindset and perspective. Our Ws havent followed the same path, but I read a lot of my own thoughts and feelings in your posts. I feel like we see things similarly. With what you post and the way you articulate your feelings, I feel like much of the advice you are given helps me too. I feel myself start to let go and begin to think there is no hope in my situation for any kind of recovery, and then I see you were in that place too, but have moved past that in to a different place. The movement I see in your situation helps me maintain a sense of sanity. I dont even mean positive movement with your R, although you seem to have that at a snails pace, I just mean any movement at all.
Like I said, kind of hard to describe how I view our situations as similar, but I think maybe I just see us as similar. I hope your day is going well.
Gordie, I think the best thing we can do for ourselves is to be selfish. By that I mean focus entirely on ourselves and leave the MLCr to their own journey.
The truth is the old relationship is dead.
Frankly, if it had been working for any of us we wouldn't be here, so that's not a bad thing.
The great unknown is what the new relationship will become, what you are co-creating together. In order to co-create, there needs to be someone to create with.
In the absence of that, create yourself. You're doing a good job of that but I'd like to hear more about what you're doing separate from the marriage and kids. What GALs are you actively pursuing?
Life is short. How do you want to live your life? Forget about wife and her process/journey and focus on yourself. I hope I don't sound harsh because I really think you're doing a great job and there is incremental progress, as to be expected. But that's really my point - if we focus on the progress of the MLCr we will lose our minds. It's like watching paint dry or grass grow. Much better to note and move on with GALs.
I hope I'm making sense. xoxoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
You were one of the first people to help me when I first came here
Your observations about my situation cut like a knife through my fog
So your words mean so much
I have looked in the mirror to face some ugly truths about myself
Aboutbmy shortcomings as a H and father
And sought to change my ways
And be a better man
I do believe that made a difference
And as you remind me there is more work to do
Sjohn6
I wish we could meet in person
One of these days
Until then I am glad my words encourage you
Butterfly
Thank you
I think j you are so right
The old r is dead
I want a new r
But I do not yet have a co creator
And trying too hard with someone who is not is sad
At least she is present
Working on myself
The self improvement projects not related to a and kids
Better diet and lost 15 pounds
More consustent gym time
More responsibilities at work
Several home improvement projects
Have slacked off on solo outings
Big one for me which may sound odd
I have started listening to the music I like again
I realized w and I have different taste in music
And I stopped listening to what I like for the last 20 years
Been fun rediscovering songs where I know every word
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Bttrfly's advice is so spot on. But, it's also so very hard to really do with the live-in MLCer, I think. As much as I detached, I think I was still peeking peripherally at my ex through laced fingers.
It's so important for us to learn who we are separate from our spouses- from rediscovering old music to discovering new interests. There's not a thing you can do for her so shine that lens on yourself and your kids. Invest in yourself. You'll be happy with the returns.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
I too have been re-discovering how much I love music. I've gone to several concerts in the past three years. I took myself to see Taj Mahal last summer. Best date I've had in years, lolol. I'd always wanted to see him, and exh kept putting it off. Dude's in his 70s, how long ya gonna wait? Took myself, had a ball. Have several fun things lined up through December. Feels good to do this - it's important to have FUN, especially when faced with such sadness at home. Well, don't know how others categorize it but I think the MLCr's journey is very sad to witness. Glad I'm not carrying THAT burden. Yikes.
GAL is so very important to figuring out who YOU are, separate from your children and your spouse. It's all part of becoming the person you were always meant to be, who, incidentally is someone only a fool would leave.
Happy 4th Gordie!
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hawho you are of course correct that with my live in I am constantly seeing her and interacting with her and evaluating how she is doing on herself and how our relationship is developing
Knowing who I am independent of w has been critical and a learning process and truly a lot of has been learned from b d when I truly thought my life was over without my w
Having been thrust into the reality of that potential outcome almost broke me and i day almost because I am still here right
Butterfly that is awesome and do enjoy both recorded music and of course live music the latter of which I indulge in if I am away from w but I guess I feel like it is not right for me to go out solo right now so maybe if I want to do things independent of her that she has never liked instead of giving those things up I still plan them for myself and invite her with no expectations and be totally okay with her saying no and me going without her which is a little tricky
Journaling
Bumped into a friend of w not a best friend but a good friend who is happily married and while we have never discussed it I suspect she suspects something if only because w and I were previously inseparable and she has probably not seen the two of us together in over a year
Well she asked if w and I would like to join her and her h for dinner and I said to check with w
Friend did so and to my surprise w said yes and we all got together and all was surprisingly pretty normal
All four of us ate and drank and had a good evening out and then w was still friendly when we got home and not distancing herself or running off to be by herself
Patience patience patience
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Met with one of my iRL buddies for lunch whose w also left him five years ago to run off with OM and has yet to sign the d papers so he knows exactly what I am going through
We discusssd the latest developments and he thought I looked good and was handling things well
He was baffled at some of the weird stuff I just cannot write on here
He said the only thing I can do about that stuff is listen
His assessment is w is still searching for something but that things are not terrible and in fact getting better
She tried OMs which did not work and is now searching elsewhere
Like all of you he encouraged patience and that this cannot last forever
He said it will be longer than six months maybe a few more years but not ten years and could I keep this up for an extended period of time
He said I will likely never get the remorse and apology I am looking for so I should just drop that desire
He knows my kids so we spent a long time talking about them and how this has affected them and how important it is for me to stay in this for them
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, I was thinking of you and DnJ and what you said about music last night -- it was the usual sad show at my house so I jumped in the car with D9 at 9 pm and raced across town to the fireworks, thinking alright, if these idiot men I live with wont do anything fun, I dont have to wait around, and we made it across town, found a parking spot and ran to the river, we sat on the grass with the breeze off the water and the lights of the city and everyone happy and in unison about something beautiful and all the boats passing -- I felt so strongly that I was at least making a beautiful memory for D9 and then this song came on on the way home with my on-last-legs car chugging its way back across town. I blasted it and started singing along though I had never heard it before, and I felt like God heard my heart bleeding just exactly as I want to be understood -- you have to listen to this song, it is the story we are living -- if you google this phrase, I think you will go right to it -- Flora Cash - You're Somebody Else (Lyrics). I will post this same note on mine and DnJ's thread too. This song is for all of us LBSers!
Last edited by job; 07/05/1809:37 AM. Reason: removed numerical identifiers for special characters
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
