Gordie #20: patiently living my life

[SBJ]

Gord, I'm glad to see that things are looking up. Thanks for coming by my thread and checking in on me. I had a good fathers day for the most part. I woke up extremely early and I was the only one up for about 4 hours. It was nice, but I also got into my own head a bit thinking about the past. I know that it was a day for the kids to thank their fathers, but when the family is still not complete it was still hard.

Keep doing what you are doing because it seems to be right. God bless you guys.

[Gerda]

It really does sound like you did everything perfectly on that day, Gordie. You had the temptation of pity and you squashed it like a bug. You chose joy, peace, goodness. And all kinds of good things came out of that, including an expectation-free evening with a lady who seemed curious about you. Starting from less than zero is a good thing if you can manage the humility and patience it requires, you were a champ that night, good for you!

[Clyde]

Gordie,

Hope you had a great Fathers Day.

Been reading your sitch, your patience is admirable. Looks like you have a good grasp on how to best proceed in your sitch. Keep at it.

[sjohns6]

Hey there, Gordie. I was thinking about you and your situation today and wanted to touch base and see how things were going in your world. I hope all is as well as can be expected and that you are enjoying your day.

[Gordie]

SBJ Gerda Clyde SJohn6

Thanks for the encouragement

I do not have a lot to report

Things are chugging along

Thinking of DNJ and trying to see things as they are neither better nor worse than reality



Positives

W no long talking about d for last 6 months

W no longer interested in OMs

W spending less time with her single friends but still some time

W has moved from thinking of herself 100 percent of the time to maybe 80 percent of the time meaning she sometimes will now ask me about my day or what is going on in my life maybe once or twice a week as opposed to just talking about herself

We are friendly with one another

W says she is working on her issues and takes some responsibility in the breakdown of the M where before it was all my fault

W is no longer secretive with phone and computer



Negatives

We have no physical relationship and sleep separately

W is still competitive with me and sometimes feels the need to pump herself up and put me down

W still has a hard time communicating directly about her wants and needs and will use the kids to do so

We still have very little family time meaning when I am not working and with kids she goes off and does her own thing



So am patiently living my life

Yes I do hope she will rejoin me fully one day

But she is no longer running away

Still trying to keep expectstions at zero

She could keep moving towards me

Or she could cycle the other way like Cali warned



W birthday was low key

She wanted to spend the day by herself

And then had a family dinner

And a small gift she really liked

Afterwards she asked to spend some time with me

And we talked and went grocery shopping

All advice welcome

[sjohns6]

Good to hear from you, Gordie. Sounds like you are doing well, all things considered. I wish I had some advice for you, but how about some encouragement instead. You are handling yourself admirably and I respect the path you have chosen. The decisions you are making are making it easier for me to figure out what path I want to follow. When this thing has played itself out, we will have no regrets as we did everything we could to make the right decisions at the right time. You are good people and everyone that interacts with you knows that about you based on the way you carry yourself. Keep chugging along, things will only be like this for so long, and they will get better regardless of what happens. Go team Gordie!!

[SBJ]

Sounds like things might be heading in a positive direction. You seem to have grasped to concept of NO expectations better than most. You are a rock and for that should be commended. I will continue to keep prayers flowing in your direction.

[AndrewP]

Gordie - first off I'd like to say that if I was in your shoes that I would be doing the same thing. I don't know if that is true or not, you are a model of someone who understands at his core patience, duty and love even if I am sure you struggle with this.

Blunt talk time.

One key difference between our situations I think is the fact that my now ex found a much higher value OM than your's did. We are both I believe moderately successful professionals and that's a hard lifestyle to give up. My ex works and makes a reasonable income on her own where your's has been dependent on your income. That gave my ex a cushion to be able to be independent even before I started sending her a monthly cheque.

Yes, there were old unresolved "family of origin" issues in both of our cases. We all have them though. You and I included but we deal with them as best we can.

I presume that menopause hasn't quite hit yet but when it does, she may well backslide significantly. If she hasn't dealt with what she wants in life by then she quite well go off dancing with the fairies again. Especially if she finds a higher value target.

At the end of both volumes of the Histories of Don Quixote (yes I will get this entire forum to read those darned books ) he returns to his native persona of Senor Alonso Quixano who regrets his previous madness and at one point promises to burn his books on chivalry. I find these days that I am more Quixano than Quixote.

I do believe that in many ways you are seeing clearly what is immediately in front of you. Like many of us, you have problems seeing the future. Something that none of us can truly see until it has become the past.

I am just speaking to you from a future that has happened to me but perhaps may never befall you. There are giants, wizards and dark pits in front of you perhaps.

From what I have read here and elsewhere, unless she reaches a point where she atones for her transgressions she continues to be susceptible to another fall from grace. In most cases I have read - which I am sure is a small segment of the real world - it requires as is discussed here a hitting of "rock bottom" which will create a change in the selfishness that led our partners along the paths they traveled.

But - rest assured that you yourself continue to have my admiration for your patience and fortitude.

#TeamGordie

[DnJ]

Gordie I really like the clarity of your positive / negative lists - very accurate.

I admire the path you are walking, a most admirable and patient one.

You are doing so very well.

I have been thinking of how to keep my expectation at zero. I know you also suffer from expectationincreaseswhenitshouldbezeroitis.

So I have been trying to look at this accurately and without bias (btw thanks for the acknowledgement above - I really do hope it helps).

What I have so far. Expectations is hope with a timeline attached to it.

Hope and expectation are so closely tied to each other.

I am a pretty hopeful guy. I remember listing a few hopes in discussion with Mach1. I still do hope for W to get well, to repair her R with her children, to dump OM, to want to recommit to M, to put our family back together, and so on.

Do I expect it? In other words do I hope it happens within the next month, 6 months, year? No.

I have a great deal of hope that things will turn around. I even have faith that things will happen. But I do not expect it to happen.

It looks like a conflicting state to be in. I hope with all my heart and soul that W gets better, for her sake, for my kids sake. I pray for that. However, I do not expect it to really happen. To state it more accurately I do not know when it might happen.

That is how I am working on keeping my expectations at zero. I hope she gets better, or comes to grad, or whatever - but I do not know if / when it will happen.

I choose to hope without an end date or timeline. I do see how I could get stuck in this eternal hopefulness. So I also choose to accept that there is no expectation for any of my hopes to come true.

I wonder if that made any sense?

I hope so.

[Gordie]

Sjohn6 curious what you think is applicable to your situation

SBJ please please please keep praying think you are closer to the man upstairs than this stray sheep

Andrew agree things might be different if w had hooked up with a sugar daddy which I find distasteful to consider but know it is true

DNJ wow that was profound

You put your finger on hope and expectation in a way I never have been able to do

I remember early on debating on here if hope was good or bad

At the time I decided hope was a four letter word which kept crushing my soul

I never considered that hope and expectation could be separated which is a lot to ponder

Thank you kind sir for sharing your wisdom