Gordie #20: patiently living my life

[AndrewP]

W birthday and our anniversary are coming up

So will need to figure out what to do

Low key and neutral. She hasn't won you back as of yet.

I'm glad you are facing your own ghosts. It's tough to do.

[job]

I agree w/Andrew...low key and very neutral. Nothing over the top, a nice generic card and a gift card might do the trick. Nothing too personal or romantic for now. She hasn't done the hard, necessary work to win you back.

[Gerda]

Gordie, I agree that you shouldn't go crazy with gift showers but only to protect yourself a little, so that you don't have to feel too much the pull of that expression of love. I don't think you can worry about what she thinks or deserves. And I don't think a gift should ever be about what someone deserves. That's not a gift, but a salary.

What I have always done on birthdays and anniversaries and Christmas is buy something extremely thoughtful (as far as being something I knew H specifically likes) that didn't cost much -- e.g., my H really likes good salt so I would buy a nice sea salt. If I couldn't bear to write a card from the heart, I would copy a poem by a poet I knew he liked and just write, "Happy Birthday," on the bottom. But sometimes if it felt right, I would write a line to remember a cherished memory or say that I am glad he is in my life. Before MLC, we used to write letters to each other on these kinds of days, and I wrote him a sonnet for almost every Valentine's Day and Birthday and anniversary. I don't do that anymore though I did write maybe one or two over the last five years, and they were not lovey-dovey but more about waiting. He never says anything but I see that he saves these things in his drawer. Along with his wedding ring.

One year I color copied an anniversary card he had given me and which I had saved. That is kind of a no-no in the DB world but it still felt right.

I guess what I mean is that I am more interested in pleasing God than my H or anyone else on this earth. So I think of an idea and then I pray about it or even try to find an answer in scripture. I might say the rosary as I think about it, or just sing praise songs as I bike around the city with that decision in mind. Sometimes I feel that God is reminding me to let go and let God so I do less or almost nothing. Other times I feel like he wants me to be a wife even if my H is not being a husband and so I do something very simple and understated but thoughtful, as described above.

My H's bday is on Monday and there is Father's Day on Sunday. But I just had to give my H money out of my savings and it was very awful the way he handled it. I was thinking about posting about it on my thread but so far I didn't as I am a little tired of hearing myself talk about it. But anyway, because of that, my idea of giving him something he really needed but couldn't afford is out the window as I can't afford anything at all and I felt that he was so wrong that I don't want to encourage that. But I also didn't want his bad choices to interfere with my ability to show care on those days, especially because I want my kids to always know that we show love and care on those days no matter what, unconditionally. So I bought him some little slightly luxury items I know he uses (coconut chips, candles) but only spent ten bucks for the bday and the same for Father's Day, and I will probably copy a poem for these since I don't think I can muster the care to write a poem or note from my own words.

I hope that offers one other outlook on that topic for you, my friend!

Oh and also I think you are handling the vacation thing PERFECTLY. Even if you W is weird and awful on the trip or after it, I think our kids generally prefer to have our spouses there. Just keep taking lots of long walks or other ways to have time to yourself, pray every morning and every night for courage to put God's way first, and I think that however it goes will be the best way, even if it's not what you would have designed. Just remember not to put a burden on yourself to do or say anything that will make it go better this time. That's out of your hands. Just keep being the amazing Gordie you are and let the rest happen as it happens and try to keep peace and trust in your heart. I have had to do these kinds of trips many times over the last 5 years, and sometimes it is awful but most of the time there are bright moments-- and if I remember to just keep the focus on the kids having fun and building memories that include a present and not absent dad, it goes better than if I worry about what I am doing or how what I am doing can change what my H does.

(((((GORDIE!))))))))

[Gerda]

Gordie, Happy Father's Day! Here is my card to you and to DnJ, my fave dads.

I am thinking of you and DnJ today because you are the best dads I know and give me faith and hope in this world. I know some other dads that are a little like you but none who are doing what you do with the nightmare of MLC in the background. Your kids faced something so horrible -- in a way what our kids face is worse than just being part of a historical event, that is beyond any of our control. Our kids have to contend with the CHOICE of the MLCer to abandon the family in many ways. Your love is therefore even more important than in a "regular" family, it is the place of rest in a tempest.

You and DnJ are my Father Heroes as well as my own friends.

The Thread Goblins have blocked the poem. Will try posting the poem separately but if it doesn't work, it's called Axe Handles and is by Gary Snyder, you can easily find it via google.

[Gerda]

[job]

RESTORED POSTING FOR GERDA


Axe Handles
One afternoon the last week in April Showing Kai how to throw a hatchet One-half turn and it sticks in a stump. He recalls the hatchet-head
Without a handle, in the shop
And go gets it, and wants it for his own. A broken-off axe handle behind the door Is long enough for a hatchet,
We cut it to length and take it
With the hatchet head
And working hatchet, to wood block. There I begin to shape the old handle With the hatchet, and the phrase
First learned from Ezra Pound
Rings in my ears!
"When making an axe handle
the pattern is not far off. And I say this to Kai
"Look: We'll shape the handle By checking the handle
Of the axe we cut with-"
And he sees. And I hear it again:
It's in Lu Ji's Wen Fu, fourth century A.D. "Essay on Literature"-in the Preface: "In making the handle
Of an axe
By cutting wood with an axe
The model is indeed near at hand." My teacher Shih-hsiang Chen Translated that and taught it years ago And I see: Pound was an axe, Chenwasanaxe,Iamanaxe
And my son a handle, soon
To be shaping again, model
And tool, craft of culture,
How we go on.
-- Gary Snyder

[DnJ]

Happy Farther's Day Gordie.

Enjoy your day with your big crew.

[bttrfly]

is it too late to weigh in?
low key for birthday.
casual dinner out if she wants for anniversary, maybe. dunno. you want to acknowledge that she's still there, so i'd say something commensurate with the level of effort you deem she's put in, and still respectful if this makes any sense at all?

I think there's a delicate balance between making her work for it and being so aloof that she gives up out of hopelessness and despair.

make sense?

or did I just add more confusion?

remember: I am divorced,lol I did not save my marriage.

That's my ongoing caveat.

happy father's day !!! xoxoxo

[Gordie]

Andrew and Job and Gerda and Butterfly

No not too late for b day advice

Thank you and am taking the low key approach

I bought a low key gift that I know she will like

And will ask her what she wants to do

So as to let her have some input

Now is not the time for surprises


DNJ

Father s day was in the end a good day

I woke up grumpy and frustrated about my life

But got over my self pity and decided to enjoy my day

I think I expected w to plan something which she did not

Those darn expectations

So I made my own plan with the kids

W decided to join us

We spent a whole day together

And I did not walk on eggshells

Or let myself revolve around her

Just let myself enjoy these wonderful children

And put them to sleep

The house was quiet and it was just the two of us

And she did not run off to her room as usual

So I asked her if she wanted a drink

And we had a glass of wine

And chatted about nothing in particular

Just enjoyed bejng with one another

It felt slightly more than platonic but not romantic or sexual

We said goodnight and hugged and kissed on the cheek

And then we went to our respective rooms and went to sleep

[DnJ]

Gordie your day sounded peaceful, you and your children enjoying time together.

The frustration and self pity you felt, I get that also. More often than I like and usually due to unmet expectations.

You are doing very good, bouncing back quicker from these emotional dips. I know you know that, but it does not hurt have it confirmed by an outside source, by a friend.

(That is me in case I was too vague )

As for W, things look to still be progressing, slowly, and forward. An evening together, a glass of wine, and a friendly chat. Things have come a long way. You have come a long way.

Keep doing what your doing.

DnJ