Gordie #20: patiently living my life

[Gordie]

Previous Thread:

#19: patience, trust..and hope

do not have time to recap the whole story but the current status is w dropped the D and OM2 at the beginning of the year

We are still living together

She is inching her way back towards me and the family but very slowly

Sjohn6, yes grass does grow faster

But trying to stay positive

Gerda, glad you are inspired

Sometimes I just do not know what to say so I keep it short

D N J daughter still has anger and resentment

I talked to her about what is currently going on

D B coach encouraged I keep it to facts and no editorial

W Dropped d dropped OM2

W does not want to be divorced not married

I still believe in our m and hope we can put things back together some day

[Rose888]

Gordie, I think you are doing a great job.

I see hope in your wife's recent changes, but of course expectations cause problems, so I hesitate to give anything too much weight.

Hang in there.

[sjohns6]

You are doing a great job at staying positive. I think the fact that after all this time that you still want to put things back together is a testament to your love and commitment. I love my W but worry that as time drags on my desire for that will start to diminish. You are an inspiration to me because I dont want to feel that way.

You mention D still has anger and resentment towards W. Do you know why specifically? I mean Ive read your sitch so I could pick out plenty of reason why she would, but do you know specifically which parts she holds the resentment towards?

[Gordie]

D has been away for the last few years

So I think this transformation of her mother

Is incomprehensible

She also has a strong sense of right and wrong

And sees things in black and white

And can be judgmental

And unforgiving

[sjohns6]

D sounds like a strong woman. Im soft hearted but admire that kind of no nonsense confidence.

[HaWho]

Gordie, you do a great job of validating and not engaging in the nonsense. When I did read the bit about your w wanting to vacation in a war zone because it's cheap, I did laugh out loud.

I do not miss hearing all the illogical thinking. It was always so weird coming out of a seemingly grown person.

Keep up the good work.

[Gerda]

Gordie, that war zone thing really was a good one. My H offers a lot of those things. When my S12 stopped going to school, he said I should stop trying to coerce him into doing anything and should let S12 "write his own destiny." I think he confused himself with our S and me with his own mother or maybe a variety of confusions all at once.

My MIL is visiting right now and it has actually been helpful for me to see how horribly he treats her a lot of the time, when he is cycling into madness. He is like a mean teenager to her though he is 51. (He is always this way to me, but it is surprising to see him be so rude to his mom.) I get a little embarrassed but she almost doesn't seem to notice how crazy it is. And it helps me to see that he is living deep in some teen nightmare, that it's not about me!

I do love your patience and clear mind, I am trying to follow suit with varying degrees of success.

[Gordie]

Hawho and Gerda

Thanks

When she used to say crazy I used to point it out to her or argue with her

That did me no good

Now I just listen and try hard not to express what I really think

And usually the crazy is never brought up again

No war zone vacation for me and the kids



I did book a summer beach vacation for the family and w wants to join us

We did not go on one last summer and the kids really missed it

I hesitated doing something for this summer too

But decided I would go ahead

A little anxious because b d two years ago was right after summer vacation and a lot of family time

But cannot let that anxiety get the better of me

Life has to go on

I cannot live my life on the sidelines waiting for her to come around

Gotta keep moving on

Well w has definitely warmed up to me

I got an I love you for the first time since around Christmas when it caused a huge blow up

I am usually reserved but she was hot and heavy with OM2 and she said I love you

And I just ripped into her and told her no you do not love me

If you loved me you would not treat me this way

She kept insisting no I really do love you

Which made me actually raise my voice and scream stop saying that

Well it is six months later and she said I love you

I just accepted it and let it hang there

I did not say I love you back

She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek


W also came to sit next to me at an end of school kid event

Together in public for the first time in several months

However I could tell w was not enjoying herself

I sensed she wanted to leave early but I said nothing and she made it to the end


W birthday and our anniversary are coming up

So will need to figure out what to do

[SBJ]

Stay strong my brother...you are doing great. You and your family are in my prayers daily.

[MarvinF]

Gordie you are doing great. The only advice, for what it is worth, is change NOTHING. Whatever you are doing has been working. And everything I have seen and read says when they are on the edge, or as they come closer and we really want to act or are worried that if we do not do the right thing they may run away that is EXACTLY the time to be absolutely still.

Anything you change or do can be perceived as pressure, and if and when she is ready to actually come fully back she will do it on her own time and terms and it SHOULD BE without you having to push or worry about it.

So keep on walking on, live you life, let her walk along if and when she wants but do not break stride.