So i may touch a never with this question too, but i seem adept at that so what the heck.
I am still struggling to get WW's hold over me sexually to fade. I still think of her first in terms of attraction, and i think that is holding me back in detaching. We had a really good sexual relationship and its been almost a year of celibacy for me. Its getting more difficult to keep her out of my head in this regard. I know shes got a toxic personality, and is a liar, but we also shared a lot, loved each-other once and had a really good physical connection.
Any advice on how to stem the tide of desire for her, its very taxing to "Want to not want" someone that i know is bad for me, but i am wildly attracted to.
She is ugly inside, im trying to transfer that interior ugliness to her exterior so her beauty holds less sway over me.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Look back at your previous thread and see how many people you have said unkind unwarranted comments to and become completely defensive and even mocked them for their perspectives.
I can easily point that out as something you need to work on. Reflect on your own words and how you've approached people who are giving you FREE and EXPERIENCED advice here. You don't like it, don't take it. We're all here for each other. There's no need for snark. If you have the answers, why are you here?
So i may touch a never with this question too, but i seem adept at that so what the heck.
I am still struggling to get WW's hold over me sexually to fade. I still think of her first in terms of attraction, and i think that is holding me back in detaching. We had a really good sexual relationship and its been almost a year of celibacy for me. Its getting more difficult to keep her out of my head in this regard. I know shes got a toxic personality, and is a liar, but we also shared a lot, loved each-other once and had a really good physical connection.
Any advice on how to stem the tide of desire for her, its very taxing to "Want to not want" someone that i know is bad for me, but i am wildly attracted to.
She is ugly inside, im trying to transfer that interior ugliness to her exterior so her beauty holds less sway over me.
OK, this might be a lot of what your and her's problem was. Guys don't always understand this, but sex does not equal love. This is where there is a big difference between men and women, generally speaking.
Men think that if a woman loves him she'll have sex with him. We tend to make the two interconnected. Women, have to feel like a man loves her to have sex with him. Notice, the difference? He thinks sex = love. She has to feel love to have sex. So when a guy, like you, meets a girl like your WW (at least the way she sounds) trouble can occur. Because she uses sex to get what she wants, you automatically think that means she loves you. It doesn't.
Your relationship with her wasn't very long. Love is long lasting. Sex, limerance, and infatuation all are not. Thus the old saying, "show me a gorgeous woman, and I will show you a guy that is sick of putting up with her crap".
I have been with my wife for 21 years. When her and I had problems, sex was the furthest thing from my mind. Because our relationship had matured to a deeper level than sex, Limerance and infatuation. Not that she still doesn't turn me on, but sex comes and goes. Deep love with a member of the opposite sex is a rarer thing. Think of it like this. How many women have you had sex with? Now how many women have you been in love with? For most people the former will be higher than the latter. Even if they thought they were in love at the time, they can look back and realize now that they were not.
So the fact that that particular thing is what is holding on to you longer tells me that a lot of your lure to her is physical and infatuation, not real emotion and love. But I could be wrong.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I dont have the answer, wouldn't have asked if I did. What was said didnt pertain to the actual question and i think i explained that amicably. In what way did i imply at all that i "had the answer" I found Josephs comment contradictory to something he has previously said, so i mentioned it, why is that contemptible?
Point taken. Apparently I am just an abrasive D*ck. All i seem to do is piss people off. I've came back after saying i was done more than once. If all i am going to catch is Flak i wont bother.
I have said several times i DO listen, i DO appreciate the time and advice and the only thing that seems to be focused on is all i do wrong. I appreciate that people here care, and offer their opinion, what i don't appreciate is that it seems to be an unwritten rule that the poster is not allowed to disagree with, debate or take issue with any piece of advice given.
I have learned a lot here and will continue to apply what ive been told.
However i didnt come here to bicker with people, and seeing that is what everyone is keen to do. Im all set.
What did i say that was unkind or unwarranted? I have been civil and tried my best to listen, and polietly disagree when i feel its warranted.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK, this might be a lot of what your and her's problem was. Guys don't always understand this, but sex does not equal love. This is where there is a big difference between men and women, generally speaking.
Men think that if a woman loves him she'll have sex with him. We tend to make the two interconnected. Women, have to feel like a man loves her to have sex with him. Notice, the difference? He thinks sex = love. She has to feel love to have sex. So when a guy, like you, meets a girl like your WW (at least the way she sounds) trouble can occur. Because she uses sex to get what she wants, you automatically think that means she loves you. It doesn't.
Your relationship with her wasn't very long. Love is long lasting. Sex, limerance, and infatuation all are not. Thus the old saying, "show me a gorgeous woman, and I will show you a guy that is sick of putting up with her crap".
I have been with my wife for 21 years. When her and I had problems, sex was the furthest thing from my mind. Because our relationship had matured to a deeper level than sex, Limerance and infatuation. Not that she still doesn't turn me on, but sex comes and goes. Deep love with a member of the opposite sex is a rarer thing. Think of it like this. How many women have you had sex with? Now how many women have you been in love with? For most people the former will be higher than the latter. Even if they thought they were in love at the time, they can look back and realize now that they were not.
So the fact that that particular thing is what is holding on to you longer tells me that a lot of your lure to her is physical and infatuation, not real emotion and love. But I could be wrong.
Steve, thanks for sticking with me.
Love vs. Had Sex - Loved: Honestly looking back, Just WW. I thought i loved my first Long Term GF, but i was 19-23. I didnt.
Sex definitely led us into our relationship and i see that as not healthy, however our R grew beyond that. We planned a life, had a child, got married, talked about houses, growing old, etc. It may have been fake for her, but all of those things were real for me.
She isnt a SEXY or HOT woman. She is beautiful (outside), like naturally, very pretty in a very warm and comforting way. I find this FAR more attractive that a supermodel in a bikini.
I agree she used sex to infatuate me, i see that now. Her claims of love and longevity may have been honest at the time but she isnt capable of maintaining that. Ever. Her past shows that and her future looks the same.
For me, we did start sexually too early in my opinion, but it felt like love at first sight, plus we talked for WEEKS before meeting in person. It didnt feel like hooking up on the first date, but it was.
I dont miss the hot steamy nights with her, i miss the warm, passionate love we made, when i thought we were in love forever.
I grew into that "long term, slow burn" love, and at the same time was always FLOORED by how gorgeous she is. so i had wins on both sides of the coin.
However as the relationship went on, (and i should have noticed this, but the blinders were on) our sex life became quite mundane, looking back all of 2017 (obv. she was already with OM) was very dead sexually, even when we did have sex. But realistically, the really magical "I love you so much" type of coupling went away after S3 was born. I think by then she had realized i had "served my purpose" for her and she didnt need to put in the effort anymore, so yes, yet another one sided aspect of our R.
Just some background on how that all developed and how i view it.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
