Helena I fully agree with you that a healthy relationship should exist between S and W but my S had told me because of Ws actions he trusts very few. How could someone who you know should forever have your best interest just up and leave. I have also stressed to him that he has no fault in this whatsoever. I do not want to lose the bond and trust with my S.
V, mtb, S85 and everyone else thank you for your continued support and prayers!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Your S is old enough to work out his own R with W. Getting in the middle is both controlling and triangulation. You will end up damaging your R with your son. So get out of the way and let them work it out.
Plus it doesn't work. You can't force love and respect as it is something given freely. And teenagers have to come to grips with cognitive dissonance in their own way.
Never tell a child your other parent loves you it puts you in the position saying absolutely something about another's feelings you don't know and it invalidates your child. I think you can say I think or I believe that or your other parent told me. However I can see you are struggling. That is talk it through.
And children should have a loving R with both parents is your belief and it may not be true.
This stuff has a way of unfolding in time.
This isn't to punish W, nor to alienated S from his mother. It's the opposite.
Think of yourself as Switzerland, listening and supporting.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
What V is saying has been repeated on your thread before.
Quote:
How could someone who you know should forever have your best interest just up and leave.
W probably feels the same about you right now.
If S in a normal boy, he can handle this on his own. Your involvement is only hurting your own cause. You've heard it from me and from others. What she should be doing is beyond your control. all you can do is control how you respond. Do you want to respond in a way that gives you the best odds of recon or do you want to show everyone how she is wrong and further drive her away?
Seriously?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR I want to respond in the best interest of my S. Weather recon happens is out of my control what I need to do is to be the best DAD I can be for me and S. My W need to go her journey alone. On that front, today has turned into a rough day. It started out ok with prayers and devotionals. Then I had to bypass the gym because I was preparing for another interview with a new company. The interview went well having to interview with 3 different people after which they took my references. They said they would get back to me shortly.
I went home and had a bite then took my dog for a trail walk. It helps to be outside to be one with God. One of the things I thought I was doing right was communicating with my S as I thought we were becoming closer. Close enough to the point that upon completion of the work week - we would spend time after dinner and discuss things like -What things worked this week, like maybe tweaking a routine to be more efficient. How did we do in preparing for the next day? Then we talked about what things need a bit of improvement-things like doing the high priority items on the to do list first. Homework, Housework and then rec time. Then we talk about meal plan what did we like?- what did we not like and so on.
Throughout this difficult time I have made 2 things mandatory. School and Church the other extracurricular activities were based on doing the first 2 well. Another thing you should know is my S language for currency is his computer gaming time with his buddies. If everything is completed he can get a maximum of 2 hours a day - He will get extended time for good marks or taking initiative. All this time I knew he was struggling in school so I tried keep all lines open. Open enough that I felt I could trust him to tell me about all assignments and tests. After we do our how was school daily checklist on home work and upcoming tests it would often end with my statement of We are now on the same page-this is something that we can accomplish together and that there will be no surprises- only good surprises. Right? S would always say yes. Well today i got a call from a teacher that S has told her he has completed 2 assignments from the past but has yet to hand them in. Now S is currently knee deep on a project due shortly on a class he is not doing well on.
I called S down and asked him to be honest with me if he had done these assignments. His first response was I think so.. I said I need absolute facts please show me these completed assignments-to which he said they were not done.(Knocked the wind out of my sails)- cuz I thought we were doing good. I calmly asked why are they not finished? He said it was easier not to do them cuz he's been feeling crappy and that it is pointless. I validated his feelings but I said no matter how bad things are we continue move forward continue to give 120% and never quit! To which he broke down and apologized. I told him with choice comes consequence and thinking of setting appropriate boundaries. First tonight is game night- so he would miss his game (he was our starting pitcher-too bad) This was not his first offense and because he now has so much homework to catch up with> I removed his electronic recreational items for 1 week or until he gets fully caught up. He can use his computer for homework that is it. I also said he will have to take ownership for deceiving me and the teacher that I want him to write out an apology letter showing remorse and that he will not repeat these negative action. On the note I will ask that the teacher email me back to show me that they received this letter. I hope that I handled this correctly because I know that S is quite fragile -but I also know that He need to fulfill his end of his rightful duties.
Your input is appreciated.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
No punishing, that's only going to make S feel worse. When a child is demotivated punishing them isn't setting boundaries, it is forcing them worse.
Your S isn't misbehaving or doing this deliberately, it's because of his life sitch and he's demotivated. HE isn't diving off and drinking etc with his buds.
How about organising extra support for him instead and offering to guide or get guidance by a teacher on it. You will do better by getting his buy in.
So S what can we do about this? How do we get the projects done.? Would a rime extension help? What can I do to help and support you? How can we get your game consul back quicker? Etc....
So what do I mean when I say a loving R with both parents may not be possible?
As a question of fact it isn't. Some parents and some kids aren't loveable. It's a limiting belief of yours that it should be, absolute thinking as a flaw. S has the right to choose not to love his mom. He has that right although I suspect it's devastating for him, especially if it is insisted he does. Love is a choice and S can choose to not love at this time. Or he can love and still not want an R with his mom.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Update- Had a decent day started with prayers and devotionals. Went to gym had a good workout. Did some job hunting another new company called and left a message. reached out to a company that asked for my references last week and they said they have a short list of 3 people and a decision will be made in the next 2 days. I called my S school and left a msg for his teacher to call me so we can discuss getting S extra help and support. I also reached out to my personal friend - the priest that married us and then allowed us to renew our vows at 10 years. we became close after we married.I gave him an update on what has transpired and he gave me his blessing and said I was on the right track with my focus on S and me. Then had dinner with S got him set up with his homework and then went on 1 and a half hour cycle thru the hills. Now the time to pray and unwind as I prepare for tomorrow. I really wish i get this new position and continue on my ways of health and happiness. For all that are here my prayers are with you- Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I had a dream about W calling me on my phone. In that dream W starts off in a normal tone and in a short period of time she starts (just like IRL) to tell me things that I'm doing wrong. After a period of time she puts me on extended hold and then comes back to later tell me more negatives. I realize after, that I stayed on hold simply awaiting what she had to say(just like a puppy) and should have kept short and been the first one to drop the convo. From this I awake in a sullen mood because I realize I am alone in the bed. I don't know what this means -maybe it is a warning that W wants to talk ( I'm not going to reach out to her!)and to be mindful to keep it short and end the convo respectfully but quickly. Btw I'm not trying to mind read just decipher what this all means and if any of you have experienced this? Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
