So I told her I won't be in a part-time relationship
Not sure what the others think...
I would not bring up the relationship. It is ok to refuse to hang out with her. But do not complain about the relationship. Just say you have other plans, and do have other plans. She needs to see that she is no longer your top priority without you rubbing it in.
Same thing regarding her waking you up in the middle of the night. If you think that she needs help and you are willing to listen to her, why not. But if you think she is just manipulating you, you can ask her not to wake you up because you need to sleep. Just do not base your behavior on what you think or want from your relationship.
Thanks for the reply. Maybe I made a mistake by saying that, but my point to her is that I won't share, or play second fiddle. I believe she needs to hear that in some form or fashion.
I have set some boundaries on the waking up thing, and I believe I have posted it (not yelling at you - I have posted a lot!). I think she wants attention more than manipulating, but I can't assume anything.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So I told her I won't be in a part-time relationship
Not sure what the others think...
I would not bring up the relationship. It is ok to refuse to hang out with her. But do not complain about the relationship. Just say you have other plans, and do have other plans. She needs to see that she is no longer your top priority without you rubbing it in.
Same thing regarding her waking you up in the middle of the night. If you think that she needs help and you are willing to listen to her, why not. But if you think she is just manipulating you, you can ask her not to wake you up because you need to sleep. Just do not base your behavior on what you think or want from your relationship.
Thanks for the reply. Maybe I made a mistake by saying that, but my point to her is that I won't share, or play second fiddle. I believe she needs to hear that in some form or fashion.
I have set some boundaries on the waking up thing, and I believe I have posted it (not yelling at you - I have posted a lot!). I think she wants attention more than manipulating, but I can't assume anything.
No she doesn't need to hear it. Words are cheap. She needs to see it. You need to act like you wont play second fiddle nor share. In fact, if you think she is in a PA then put your foot down and tell her SHE is no longer welcome in the marital bed. I know you returned to the bed. But SHOW her you won't share or be second fiddle.
Action not words.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
She was asking where I go and who I'm with. I stuck with friends for my answer.
Great answer
She asked if I was hanging out with a girl.
The answer is no but really not saying that again so if you ask I will not respond WW.
She asked if I talked to my best man a lot about our situation. I guess she thinks thats who I'd talk to the most but it hasn't been.
Response, naturally I talk to my best friend as you talk to yours.
She asked me if I told anyone about us going out tonight, I said no and she said she told her sister and one friend she was going out with me.
STFU
She got a new phone and we went to the att store.She was kinda being rude at the cell phone store .
STFU and walk away. Tell her 'I find that rude, I am leaving'
She played on the new phone a lot when we got home so I turned on the TV and fell asleep.
STFU and walk away. Tell her 'I find that rude, I am leaving'
Seems like she was on her phone a lot, but maybe that was planned distraction for the situation.
STFU and walk away. Tell her 'I find that rude, I am leaving'
She asked me if it was weird with this being our anniversary. I laughed and said yes.
STFU and walk away. Tell her 'I find that rude, I am leaving'
She asked me about wearing my ring last night, which I thought was strange. Asked when I stopped wearing it, she hasn't worn hers in forever, except to work.
STFU and walk away.
We played the accidentally touching each other game. She's sleeping pretty lightly and so am I bc I woke up a few times and she was awake each time. Or maybe she woke first I'm not sure.
Stop.
She played the obnoxious phone noises and rustling in bed game again, it woke me up again about 30 min after falling asleep but eh, the TV was still on anyways.
Tell her 'I find that rude'
Wasn't bad, wasn't great overall. I thanked her last night for asking me and we hugged this morning.
Who was she contacting on her phone?
I'm still skeptical.
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I think this is cake eating somehow.
V
Last edited by Cadet; 06/05/1809:18 AM. Reason: fix html
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I was skeptical on Monday. I even said (and maybe this was too much) to WW "I don't want to go out with you and then you're gone the next night". Which is 100% true.
Well, as feared and almost expected, she fled back to OM's place last night. I want to go no contact for a while, definitely need to get back to the good habits of no pursuit, no long convos, and GAL.
I'm thinking about staying away from home the next few nights but maybe that's too much GAL and not enough stability. I'll be out of town this weekend anyways.
WW is lying hardcore. I told my sister that WW said she was going swimming with Friend 1. My sister said "they put a snapchat of them at a pool". Well, WW was trying to support her story but I know where they really where - the OM's pool (apt complex). WW was deceitful, tried to make her story to me sound good but left out the obvious, wrong part. And she told me where she was going, I didn't ask.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Any more thoughts on handling the boundary she crossed?
FYI I'm not contacting her, but when our paths cross I want to make it clear she crossed a clearly stated boundary, that I wouldn't have been with her on our anniversary if she would have been honest with me.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
-I'm still exhibiting NGS b/c I'm saying "I don't know" instead of "No" to soften the blows when WW asked for hugs or to be held. -WW is lying and manipulating b/c she wants to keep me close to her (according to counselor) -next time WW asks to do something I need to say that "I can't do that b/c I can't trust you, you hurt me and I can't let you keep doing that". Counselor wants me to put it like I know how she must have felt, in that my words were harsh and WW couldn't trust me. Now her words aren't safe for me either. -talk about emotions, not facts -counselor thinks WW is hurt and questioning her decisions. -counselor says don't deliver any message with too much energy (even though her boundary crossing hurt) or the message can be overwhelmed
Just logging the big points here. I'd love to hear some opinions.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
And WW isn't questioning her decisions, she is having the time of her life with triangulation (otherwise called 'the pick me' dance).
I think you need a new counsellor, one that will help you more on enforcing your boundaries. You state the boundaries and then don't enforce them. Boundaries are useless without enforcement.
But awwwwwww of course, she 'gave' you time on your anniversary, pulling your strings.
And call her on her stupid scrambled eggs for brains nonsense.
The way is to start saying "really?" We both know the truth WW so I don't know why you bother with such nonsense" . Then STFU and walk away.
"I think you should sleep on the sofa" when she texts an OM in the MBR.
She isn't doing this to keep you 'close', she is entitled and you are plan B. It's not you she wants, you are a soft option as often OM aren't really interested in a proper R. Your old M is dead, so work on you to be ready for the next phase.
I know my words seem harsh so I am adding big hugs.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
