Separated - love W- is she taking advantage? help!

[ovrrnbw]

W refused to sign the separation agreement I wrote up saying I would pay her $2325 for 3 months - $1325 rent and $1000 expenses and she would give me all cc and access to checking accnt. She says it does not make sense and that I am trying to control her by taking all the credit cards / could spend all the savings etc. She said we should split everything fully including the savings (not much that is not in the equity of the house) and start the monthly payments / give me cc when our house sells and that would be the only time we split funds if we divorce. We are splitting the profit from our house sale - 45k each. I was pushing separating finances because of recommendations from this board. She probably spends less than $1000 per month at this point as it is. I am so tired of fighting with her and it was extremely draining and negative today. I was feeling better working on less communication and detaching and then we had this intense conversation / argument today. I am planning on meeting with L Wed AM to get some perspective & advice. It is only $100 for a consultation so I guess thats worth it.

Input is appreciated. I know many will say I am being Mr Nice Guy. She is a stay at home mom trying to start working again but she would make less money than day care costs. So it doesnt make sense since I am working Mon - Thurs until 830pm I really cant have D3 overnight. She could probably get more $ if we divorce... but we arent divorced and she isnt pushing for that at this time. I am planning to do a relatively short time period ( 3 months that I am committing to pay her monthly). If nothing changes in regard to our relationship or her working maybe we D at that time.

Thanks all

Dude I would just let her decline and move right the hell on. Go meet a buddy, and enjoy the sun shining. You offer her quite a bit IMO, and she says screw off? I'd say OK, don't like it don't take it. I'll have a coke.

[Did]

I am really considering going through with the divorce soon. It is not what I want but this has been a year. I am going to be paying for her rental. Might as well start the alimony clock ticking. I do not see any changes forthcoming in her. I think she just wants to be friends but feels entitled that I support her. Because I was not a great husband and she stopped working to raise our daughter - she earned less than day care cost. Not really seeing any hope or light at the end off the tunnel. I am not a patient person maybe I should try to be patient for my family and my daughter. And be unselfish. But The love and attraction she had for me seems so far gone. She has called me a hot man in regard to women not being able to be just friends with me. But I think the fire just died in her.

[Did]

She wants it to start when our house sells and we can all split everything. I am going to talk to L to make sure I am protected. I have been holding on for so long and it feels like I am holding myself back. If she wants a sh*t life that is her decision. She does not have those feelings for me. I just feel bad for my daughter. I want to see her every day. But what the F am I waiting for?

[Did]

Having a lot of anxiety today feel like the weight is weighing me down. Stress of work and conflicts there.

W asks me to watch D3 for her to go to lunch w a friend Thurs. I said I could do it and adjust an appointment I have to Fri.

W asks when I have a day off so she can get her hair done. I told her its a little frustrating that her priorities are getting her hair done and going out with her friends. She has our D a lot so I cant say she should be working but frustrating as he*l.

She wants to take D3 to a theme park Fri, I am off Fri-Sun and was hoping to get to the beach Fri and Sat. Doesnt seem like that will happen. Then I work like 3 weeks straight.

Not trying to paint her in a bad light. Her birthday is next Tues and she says she isnt doing anything else for her bday. She also is offering to pack and do grocery shopping.

I know Sandi said it was going to get worse before it gets better. Well its feeling worse... Im letting the negative emotions get the best of me not being patient right now. But I there have been no positive interactions since pulling away and focusing on DB. We were getting along better a few weeks ago W was saying she wanted to hug me more etc. Now pulling away Im not sure this is working. May try another strategy but being nice and spending time together then Im the nice guy doormat friend zone with financial support...

Trying to GAL but stuck in our house working a lot and working at night. I have been exercising more. I feel like maybe I need to find a mens group or therapy or something but havent been able to find any. Having a tough time.

Have consultation with L Wed AM.

[Did]

W asks me to help her move stuff into her place July 1. She will help me move and pack as well. I told her I felt weird about it but can handle it. She asked if she should ask someone else. Assume OM who she has not seen and is not planning to see so she says. I kind of believe it but it does not really matter. She has a relationship w him.

We have so much stuff we have to do together with our shared family home and moving out DB seems kind of impossible. We are talking about furniture and house stuff daily besides D3 schedule with me working every night during the week we trade D off for me to have her for a few hours.
I think I should be cool calm steady reliable during this process. In the past I would lose my cool at times in difficult situations. She used to say I would crumble. So be strong and 180. Or I am just making everything easy for her and it is ok not to be nice to her in these situations. I know she likes me best when I m calm cool and strong. Should I be a jerk and say no move your own stuff since she left me? I do not blame her for leaving but not wanting to work on the r and work together ever since is where I can not believe she does not care more and have feelings.

Really feeling like it is just over and I am wasting time and money by hanging on.

[Did]

anyone familiar with feeling sad, lonely, waking up depressed while DB. W has shown no interest and shows me no emotion. When we were spending time together weeks ago at her parents and I was happy around D3 she was saying she wanted to hug me more and there was happiness. Sandi told me definitely do not hang at her parents. Logically I understand DB works and you have to be patient. But it seems like the opposite just growing further apart. W Only talks about moving and packing or grocery shopping things like that.

Really feeling empty. Trying to GAL but the only option seems to be dating or gym, yoga, meditation. I guess I just need to be proactive and do what I can.

[SteveLW]

Did, DBing is all about the emotions you mention. You should be DBing when you feel like it and DBing when you don't. Always be DBing. DBing works whether it takes a day for your W to respond positively, or a decade. Most fall somewhere in between and closer to a day than a decade, but a lack of patience is what trips most DBers up.

I have no answer on the helping with the move. My instinct is to say that since you are opposed to her moving, that you do not help her do so. But I have no experience in that realm and so will leave it to others to chime in on.

[Did]

Steve thanks for the response man. If Dbing is all about those feelings that's really tough. Feeling lonely, sad and empty is tough. I think it's as much about my daughter as W. When I have D3 Im in a way better place. Patience is something I'm working on. I was very impatient and still am I suppose.

W was over here today for a couple hours packing and then we broke down some furniture together. Had some hugs and laughs. Hugs I want to lift her chin look her in the eyes and kiss her but I hold back.

So... she mentions maybe well date again when I asked if she was excited about having her own place. In the past Id overanalyze this ask her about it etc and probably push her away. Make her feel like she can't be herself.

Im just going to stay the course. If Im lonely and sad and things are getting better I guess its worth it. Even if its tough to get out of bed some mornings. Trying to get the respect and attraction back but I never know what she's thinking.

I didnt go to the YMCA where our daughter goes to school this morning. We usually meet there. Working out at the gym at the same time is just weird and seems to be the opposite of DB. We both look at each other and my mind goes sexual places it shouldnt.

I am thinking of contacting a DB coach. Anyone have good experiences? Thanks for the support & advice.

[AnotherStander]

Did, you're at 10 pages so Cadet will be along shortly to tell you to start a new thread Post the new thread link as your last post here and post the link to this thread in the first post of your new thread.

If Dbing is all about those feelings that's really tough. Feeling lonely, sad and empty is tough.

Steve is right, what you're going through is completely normal. I know it hurts, but you're not alone in this, we all either went through it or are going through it. But just to be clear, DB'ing isn't about those feelings, those feelings are because your W dumped you. DB'ing
(GAL in particular) is what helps you recover and get past those feelings. But it takes time! It took me about 18 months, some people recover quicker and some slower so don't hold yourself to a certain timeline. After my ex left, the first week she had the kids was the loneliest week of my life. The pain was nearly unbearable. I took life a day at a time back then, I just tried to clear my mind of all the crap thoughts I was having about the future and just concentrate on getting through that one day. Slowly I got used to the loneliness, and eventually as I became more and more independent I wasn't lonely being alone, and beyond that I came to actually embrace my alone time. I filled it up (and still do) with all the GAL activities that I never had time for before. Now my GF of 3 years is talking about wanting to move in and guess what, one of my biggest problems is that I enjoy living alone so much now that I don't want her to move in! So just know it's OK to feel pain and loneliness and heartache. And also know it gets better each day, and somewhere down the road you will be strong, independent, NOT lonely even when you're alone.

Hugs I want to lift her chin look her in the eyes and kiss her but I hold back.

Yeah definitely do not do that, she'll likely just reject you and leave you even more depressed.

I am thinking of contacting a DB coach. Anyone have good experiences? Thanks for the support & advice.

I never had one but those around here that did have said nothing but great things about them.

[SteveLW]

So... she mentions maybe well date again when I asked if she was excited about having her own place. In the past Id overanalyze this ask her about it etc and probably push her away. Make her feel like she can't be herself.

Mine said that too. But remember, she is going to say things just to try to make it easier on herself. By soothing you it makes it easier on her. That is probably what the hugs are about.

The two days after bomb day my wife was extremely affectionate. She hugged me. She held my hand. She rubbed my back. When I started to detach and let go that all stopped. Later when we talked about it she said she was affectionate because, "I felt like you needed it." She wasn't doing it for me, she was doing it for her. She'd just taken my legs out from under me and to ease her own conscience she was trying to make me feel better. As soon as she detected I was getting over the initial shock, she withdrew.

Believe nothing she says, and only half of what she does. I will repeat something again, I may have even said it to you. But WAWs don't need their own place to find themselves, to figure things out, or even to date their husbands. WAWs need their own place so that they can sleep with other people. I know that is hard to hear, but think about it. She can date you while living with you! In fact, that doesn't even make sense. Hey, I need my own place so that you and I can date. Huh?

Im just going to stay the course. If Im lonely and sad and things are getting better I guess its worth it. Even if its tough to get out of bed some mornings. Trying to get the respect and attraction back but I never know what she's thinking.

It is unhealthy to be so attached to someone that they control your happiness. You need to differentiate and find your happiness internally.

And you will NEVER know what she is thinking. That is one of the hardest things for LBSs to come to grips with. What she says IS NOT what she is thinking. Half of what she does IS NOT what she is thinking. Her consistent behavior over a long period of time.....that is what she was thinking.

See we as LBSs try to find any positive shred to cling to. "We shared hugs" means everything, oh but the fact that those were while I was in the process of helping her move out means nothing. What is bigger? Her moving out, or her coming down off of her high horse a few times to patronize you with a hug or two?

See the backwards thinking? I don't mean to clobber you with all of this Did, but you have to face reality. Yes striving for respect and attractiveness is good. But you don't get that by constantly trying to mindread her, or trying to hug or kiss her. You get that by showing her you have a life outside of her. That any 180s you've made are real. By self-differentiating and showing her that you will be happy and fulfilled with or without her, and by being the best Did that you can be!

You have this. Keep your chin up, be the alpha you are capable of, and get out there and have the life you want to have!