Can I really do this #2

[Davide]

Yeah, I wish my W gave a flying F what I was doing!

But I would definitely put a new screen lock on your phone.

[AnotherStander]

So, I guess my W went through my phone.

Don't say anything to her about it, but do password protect your phone. She WILL try and snoop again, and imagine how her head will spin when she sees this new level of protection! She'll go crazy wondering what you are trying to "hide". Put some pressure on her for a change.

My W hasn't unfriended me from FB, but she has restricted me where I won't see all of her posts and/or her relationship status, etc. I don't know if she has changed it or not, but I do know that she just changed that this morning.

Sounds like she did unfriend you, so now all you can see is the "public" portion of her profile. Look at her profile on FB and if it says "add friend" then she has unfriended you. There is "unfriending" where you can still see the person's public profile, then there is blocking where you can't see anything at all.

[Dtrmned]

W admitted to going through my phone last evening.
She almost apologized.
Simply said she was sorry since that was way out of character for her to do that. Not that she was sorry for actually doing it.

We spoke for a bit on communication and such. Validated her thoughts but didn't excuse the action by saying "we used to talk about everything, I can understand by us not communicating as much you would have questions about what I am doing.

I didn't ask "if you don't care about me or us, why would you do this?" or anything like that. She tried to turn it to her advantage saying "this just proves how toxic we are and why we should not be together". I simply said again that whatever she has to do to justify her actions in her own mind are her choice.

She is struggling with this and it shows in her mood swings, sleep habits, now snooping, detaching, etc. Couldn't talk long yesterday due to a migraine, couldn't sleep and she got up at 4 this morning with neck pain so I imagine she will be taking a nap later on this afternoon.

This is only going to get worse as she pushes this forward. One of the things she saw on my phone were my own mediation notes to myself as I was putting them together. Nothing bad and of course most were slanted in my direction (don't you always go in asking for more than what you will settle for). I'm glad she saw that, maybe that will wake her up a little bit about how real this will be.

I cut off the conversation pretty quickly last evening so as to not let it get out of control. She needs to stew on this for awhile.

[SteveLW]

Again, DO NOT BELIEVE WHAT SHE SAYS. She snooped on your phone, that is a good thing. She cared enough to want to snoop. Her "this just proves how toxic we are and why we should not be together" is hogwash. There is nothing toxic about spouses wanting to look through their spouses phone. It may not be the healthiest of activities, but then you MR isn't healthy right now.

[Dtrmned]

Thanks!
I do not believe anything she says and mostly don't believe anything she is doing.

She did not "unfriend" me on facebook, just merely restricted my access. Ok, I'm fine with that. She is forcing herself down this road and struggling with her decision.

For me, stay the course, GAL, validate and move forward however it may be.

[Dtrmned]

So, I had to do a factory reset since I messed up and did the new security measures wrong on my phone. Lost all my pictures unfortunately, but that was about the extent of the damage. While walking through, carrier went to just reverify my information and asked who was authorized to make purchases on the account. My account, and I had added W as an authorized person. Went ahead and took her off so she couldn't buy, upgrade, or bind us to something else. Unfortunately, they immediately sent her a text to that affect.
She texts and mentions that "whatever that means, I was removed". She said then "why don't you just call and set up the mediation appointment it would be easier". Responded back and totally answered and asked another question. Let her do it!

[sandi2]

It needed to be done.

[SteveLW]

Yep, let her do it. I wouldn't lift a finger.

[arsh18]

Hi JS, reading your sitch it seems to me like your W is really unsure about the D, she says things and doesnt follow through. Your DBing might be having a huge impact on her although it may not seem so to you. In my case H has set up mediation and keeps following up on things with great urgency, still very set on finishing up the D ASAP. So i would say there is still hope for you. Why did you decide on mediation versus her filing? Is it only for financial reasons? Mediation will get the D finalized much sooner than you contesting it, is the timeline not something you are particular about?

[Dtrmned]

Arsh,
Thanks for weighing in. I always love perspective, questions and insight into this crazy journey that we are unfortunately going through or have experienced. I do believe that my W is struggling very much to remain committed and justified in her decision to end our MR. I had a good weekend. I think the whole family did as well. W and I had very little interaction, but when we did it was brief and good. I think she enjoyed her space, and also that she had a good day (rare for her with all her medical issues, etc.). On Sunday there was a very brief run in regarding a situation where she asked me if I could do something. She did not like the way that I responded, even though the answer was "yes". She badgered on for a few minutes and I finally asked her "I have answered you 5 times that yes I will do this, this is no an argument, and I don't understand why you want to persist when I have already said yes". She went on to say that this is the reason we have to D. Funny, a small question for a task with which I said yes to and that is the reason??
Again, her painting the picture the way she wants.
Reason for mediation would only be financial. A's cost way too much. I do not know if that can even be avoided at all as my W is still in her fog phase and hasn't had reality hit her as to the real world, costs, jobs, etc. I believe this is going to get much worse in the coming days and weeks. Unfortunately, especially from the guidance I have received here (shouts out to all of you!) that my W has to experience this in her own way. I cannot "save" her any longer. As Sandi2 put it, she fired me awhile ago from that job. She has to dip her toes in the water and find out that it really is hot lava!
I am very aware of the timeline. Unfortunately, I am experiencing some issues that could require a relocation, job opportunity with equity and the ability to gt myself and my children back to a better quality of life for our futures. Whether W wants to be a part or not, she is on her own timeline. W is really pushing for the mediation appointment. I am agreeable as all of the mediation companies I have read have said they give no advice legal, counseling, or otherwise and their only position is to try to mediate issues to an agreeable solution. ALL ask that you have mostly all of your issues resolved prior to going in. My W has nothing worked out. We had an hour discussion one afternoon and we accomplished 2 issues regarding the kids.
She is even at the point of saying to me last week "you make the appointment". I told her again this weekend, you check their availability and then we can fit then in when we both can be there. She needs to do some heavy lifting and it is not going to be fun for her. At any time, if I feel this is going bad or if I need to, I can always L up. She did file in February and withdrew it the next week. The mediation is not court ordered and neither of us have filed yet.

Got in a bunch of miles this weekend and feel good to the start of a new week. I'm sure it will be full of adventures.