Don't bother coming back" is more what I'm thinking. I think I've seen enough to confirm an affair. I don't want to carry her shameful secret for her. I don't even know if she feels shame, or maybe just fear at what I would do if I found out.
That is fine ^^^^^^^^^, if you aren't doing it just b/c you are upset. Don't do it if you are trying to get her to feel a particular emotion, like shame, guilt, embarrassment, etc. Make your decisions about what you won't tolerate.......not her feelings. See what I am saying?
Sometimes the LBS's misunderstand and think I am saying they have to tolerate their wayward S's affair. To be clear......I am not. I simply try to inform the LBS (especially H's) that it seldom affects the wayward's feelings or actions. I think WW's are the worst about not leaving the home when they've been busted for an A.
You don't have to cover for her affair. In fact, you can blow the lid off this little party whenever you decide you've had enough. I just want you to understand that it usually doesn't go like the LBH thinks it will. Somewhere in the back of his head, he thinks she will respond like her former self........but she won't. She will probably try to gaslight you. She will probably try to remain in the home, especially if she has no other options. I hope she won't, b/c this just rubs the H's nose in the A when she stays in the home. Do 't expect her to do the honorable thing.
Therefore, do whatever you need to do to protect your self respect........but do it with your eyes wide open. Your knowledge of her A will not cause her to end it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"Don't bother coming back" is what I was thinking when I was angry. It's not what i really want to say. It doesn't seem like there is anything to be gained by continued acts of service, or emotional vulnerability from myself, or an apology, or compassion towards my wife. She has said she wants to be friends. I think I need to lead with that, and ask her what that means to her. Then I'll tell her what it means to me. I don't go grocery shopping and cook dinners for my friends. I don't give more than half my spending money to my friends. I don't put myself into debt so my friends can have spending money. I don't give up my bed indefinitely for a friend. I don't choose where to live and what job to take for a friend (though I will make considerations for my son, and I may have to make a sacrifice for him). I also don't pay for my friends' housing, utilities, student loan payments, and health care, but those are things I think I am on the hook for as long as we are married, and we'll have to work them out in a divorce settlement agreement. Basically all these things are things I've had some resentment growing for a long time. And I've struggled with whether I need to just stop being resentful, or actually establish boundaries with these things. As I learned from the Stosny book, abuse stems from resentment, so I'm wary of pushing for these boundaries when I feel like they are based on my resentments. You say I can blow the lid off whenever I decide I've had enough. I think I've had enough, but am scared to tell her.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
"You say I can blow the lid off whenever I decide I've had enough. I think I've had enough, but am scared to tell her."
Then you haven't had enough. Having enough isn't something that you get an inkling of, when you've had enough it will outweigh all else and you will have ZERO fear of telling her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well I know by the time I get home tonight I will want to avoid a confrontation entirely. I'll be exhausted because it's been on my mind since she texted me last night. I have a bit of work to get done in the meantime. I know a small accomplishment will help me feel better about myself. Maybe I need to also work towards feeling good about myself regardless of how much work I get done. Sigh, I have a lot of work to get done though..
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
Well, I chickened out tonight. We hardly spoke to each other, and she tossed my blanket and pillow into the hallway without saying a word about me having slept in the bed last night. Of course I haven't said a word about her affair either. She was taking a shower and left her phone on the bed. Lock screen showed FB messages from a friend of hers. I now know the friend is aware of W's affair, and is supportive of it. I got angry after reading that. My anger is mixed with disgust. I went to this friend's daughter's 4th birthday party in march with my W and son. I was more hopeful about M then. I was actually invited to go, and the highlight was when W rubbed her toes over mine while we stood next to each other. Times like that make me think I almost was successful at repairing the R. But a few mistakes dashed all that, because there was no margin for error with how strongly W felt about being emotionally abused and her waiting for me to hurt her again.
going to sleep now. On the couch. I will not let sleeping on the couch affect my self-worth anymore though. I know I don't deserve the shame of it. Next is doing doing more to boost my self-respect. I don't think that's something I need to claim from W. My worth doesn't belong to her.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
STH you are extending your pain. Take back your bed. put her stuff out on the porch. change the locks. Stand your ground and be Alpha. Its time to let the cat out of the bag, all you are doing is allowing the cycle of abuse to endure.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OrangeK, I may be slow to come around on this, but I may get there. When people say things like "put her stuff out on the porch", how much stuff are we talking here? A bag of essentials? A toothbrush and one change of clothes? I packed my own bag when I left. And actually the irony is there were two times in the past when she packed her own bag to leave and I followed her around while she did it, wanting to talk about the issue that had her upset enough to leave. It would take a week to get ALL her stuff out of the house. Though she does have a habit herself of "cleaning" by putting anything she doesn't want in her space out into hallways or common areas of the house, never to touch them again. In the past I've moved that stuff back into the closets they came out of. Can I start with just taking the bedroom back and making her have the couch? I'll probably be posting a lot more often here in the near future as I try to sort this all out. Change is due for sure, and I need to stand up for myself.
This morning I asked W to pick up our son from my school when she is done with her counseling session. She agreed, and I asked her to watch him for the night. Didn't tell her my plans, but she probably knows I'll be going climbing. I am in a mens group that meets weekly by videoconference, and I'll be attending that call at school. It ends at 10:30, so W will probably be in bed when I return home.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
I can tell you from personal experience, languishing around the house and hoping for nuggets of hope wont help. You know shes having the A. It needs to be addressed, shes getting more complacent day by day. Learn from my mistakes.
I suspected A for a while, and when i sacked up and confronted her about it i bought each lie she fed me, she will lie when confronted. I begged, pleaded and tried to do MC and so on. its all wasted breath. you need to assert yourself, be calm, cool, and collected but firm and solid.
SLEEP IN YOUR OWN DMAN BED. that is BS, she is the one cheating, she can leave.
She is abusing you dude. straight up emotional abuse. Dont stand for it. I can tell you it hurts. I am still hurting A LOT. It sux, but its time to either submit to a lifetime of abuse and being a provider cuck or its time to man up, take charge of your family and protect S4.
Read my Sitch man, i screwed up several times, i still screw up now. I give better advice than i consider for myself.
Being Mr Nice Guy will get you nothing but pain
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Please stay away from her phone, computer, mail etc. as if they are radioactive. Nothing good comes from reading any of that. This is my one biggest regret. Bigger than pursuing, being rude, unreasonable etc. First, you are disrespecting her and her right to privacy. Second, you are just torturing yourself.
Not sure what your situation regarding the couch is, but try to figure out what to do about it. It does not make sense to sleep in the bed when she is out, and on the couch when she is in your bed. I treat my dog the same way she treats you.
Make a decision, and either sleep on the couch because you decided to do so, or sleep in your bed because you decided so. Either way, do it without arguing with your W, even if she goes berserk. If you decide to fight for your bed, just go in lie there and go to sleep. If she starts arguing, screaming etc. Just say this is your bed (implying she can sleep wherever she wants, and you will do so too) and you decided to sleep in it. You do not need any other arguments. Just make sure you do not get into a fight with her. Be like Mahatma Gandhi - nonviolent resistance.
