Affair discovered

[STH17]

Well, pretty sure W is still having PA now. She's even got a pattern now, going out on Sundays, getting dressed up nice. Only other time she ever does that is for her job. This time when she left home her bag of sex toys was out on the bed, the only thing missing from it being condoms this time. Just found that a few minutes ago and came to write this. I feel betrayed and angry.

I got the book I mentioned previously, and another one, You Don't Have to Take It Anymore by Steven Stosny. From what I've read so far I can tell that the Stosny book probably could have saved my marriage if I knew I needed it two years ago. I understand it's probably too late to save my marriage now, and W is becoming less and less attractive to me the further she strays. The Stosny book says resentment is the root of emotional abuse, and it must be replaced by compassion for healing to happen. The book is also big on developing one's sense of core value, both for the abuser and victim. The book also shuns those labels, as neither are really integral to a person's core value and true identity. So lots of good stuff in there, probably too late for my current marriage but worth working through for myself and my son and any future relationships I might engage in.

I took care of my son all last week, only working 4 hours instead of 12 at my part-time job. And I went to the dentist on Friday and paid almost $600 for three fillings. And our car needed a new alternator this week which cost $800. W's hospitilization is likely to cost a few thousand as well. I've always paid off our credit cards in full every month, but we might now have to start carrying a balance.

We are now in the time period where W has always said she would be leaving. Her job has ended, and so has son's preschool. We don't have any plans for him to attend school next year, which I feel really bad about. He has asked several times what comes next after summer, if he's going to a new school. I'm heartbroken because I don't have any good answer for him. Eventually we'll have to tell him mom and dad won't be living together with him anymore either. He doesn't deserve a broken family, and it makes me so sad.

[LoneWlf]

STH - The only winners in separations are lawyers and as always the big loser in any break up is the kids. M y S is hurting so bad. The only thing I can do is be the best DAD possible. Stay well!!

[STH17]

W texted me an hour ago saying she wasn't going to make it home tonight. I decided, or reacted emotionally, by coming to sleep in the bed instead of the couch I've been on for the last several months. I can't sleep though. I didn't respond to her text. I assume she is sleeping over at AP's place. Do I keep pretending I don't know or don't care? what would I say? Thanks for the heads up, have a good night? That makes me sick. "Don't bother coming back" is more what I'm thinking. I think I've seen enough to confirm an affair. I don't want to carry her shameful secret for her. I don't even know if she feels shame, or maybe just fear at what I would do if I found out. I'm angry now that I'm spending so much time worrying about what she thinks. I'm not going to reply to her. Not this time. I get to give myself that much. I don't even feel comfortable in my own bed anymore.

[doodler]

Do I keep pretending I don't know or don't care? what would I say? Thanks for the heads up, have a good night? That makes me sick. "Don't bother coming back" is more what I'm thinking.

STH17,

Oh h3ll yes, "don't bother coming back" is the correct response. Some of the brethren in the DB crowd may not agree, but dude, if you let that sh*t go on right under your nose, your wife will know you're the biggest wuss on the planet.

I'd go so far as to say you should put her sh*t on the front lawn and change the locks. F*ck being Mr. Wussypants.

[GettinT]

Man,
Have been there and it [censored].
I found WWs sex toys bought to be used with another guy and it sickened me to the max. I confronted her right away when I was 100% sure, and there began my journey to heal.
Not even close there yet, but making baby steps every day.

Good luck to you as well, hope for the best to you and your son!

[NicoleR]

STH, knowing that your wife is having an affair but having her not know that you know is the worst. When my husband first didn't come home due to his first big affair I wanted to throw his laptop out the window. I didn't do it but the pain of suffering silently while your spouse is out having the best time of their life at your expense is so unfair. I also wonder how people who have kids can just not come home. What about your son?! I was too easy on my husband and he continued having affairs even after the first one ended. I guess it becomes a lifestyle for them or they feel entitled. It's so sad that the person we married can disappear like that and not only commit such crimes but not even care in the least about our pain. Even if your wife was depressed at one point and you weren't sensitive to her, what about what she's doing to you now? Isn't this worse? I could go on for a long time but basically it sounds like you took the right steps with counseling and retrouville and working on the marriage. You're also doing the right thing now by containing your emotions but it's really, really hard. In a way it's more liberating to bust your wife in the middle of one of her fun nights out than to stay quiet but you have an innocent child to protect and want to proceed cautiously for his sake. I fully sympathize with what a horrible experience you're going through!

[Vanilla]

Do I keep pretending I don't know or don't care? what would I say? Thanks for the heads up, have a good night? That makes me sick. "Don't bother coming back" is more what I'm thinking.

STH17,

Oh h3ll yes, "don't bother coming back" is the correct response. Some of the brethren in the DB crowd may not agree, but dude, if you let that sh*t go on right under your nose, your wife will know you're the biggest wuss on the planet.

I'd go so far as to say you should put her sh*t on the front lawn and change the locks. F*ck being Mr. Wussypants.

I agree Doodler, but I would be more likely to say 'don't come back until........' or 'if you come back your stuff will be in the spare room....' or 'after this you are sleeping on the couch'.

It's just disrespectful and brazen. Entitled awful behaviour.

Set your boundary and hold it.

V

[Vanilla]

STH - The only winners in separations are lawyers and as always the big loser in any break up is the kids. M y S is hurting so bad. The only thing I can do is be the best DAD possible. Stay well!!

Try reframing this.

The winner in this is the LBS and kids, they grow through it.

It's awesome growth in my book.

V

[Vanilla]

Oh and move back in the MBR at minimum her stuff in boxes.

V

[STH17]

Doodler, you're the little red devil on my shoulder. It's so tempting to do exactly as you say. I just think that would turn the divorce into something even uglier though. But I agree I need to draw a line that prioritizes my self-respect over my self-sacrifice for a marriage my W has left. I had tried making my wife my priority for six months, and I might have continued if she hadn't started an affair. She wants (or wanted) unconditional love from me in our marriage. I think I need a separation from her to figure out if that's possible. How do you love someone who has no respect for you, tells you they hate you, wants a divorce, and cheats on you? When she asked me to leave in December because she "wasn't healing" with me there, I protested saying I didn't see how our marriage could be healed by creating even more distance between us. We were still seeing our marriage counselor at that point so I thought working on our marriage was a common goal. I don't think that was ever her goal when we were in marriage counseling. Now I think my wife is gone beyond recovery, and to put any more energy into saving our marriage only makes me lose myself too. I've lost myself just as much as she has lost herself in our marriage. I had wanted to find ourselves together. I don't think I've told her that in those words, but that would just be an emotional plea at this point too soooo too late, irrelevant? My wants and desires mean nothing to her. Yet I still am torn between pursuing a job close to where we live now, or moving out of state closer to family like she wants to. That's something I need to do this week, is just apply to all the jobs I've found that I'm interested in, regardless of where they are.