My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance

[Surfer]

Ovrrnbw,

Apologies - I have had some technical issues with posting. Just trying to catch up.

All of your responses seem sensible - but be careful you are not trying to fool yourself. There consistent (habit) changes the LBS needs to make in these situations. You highlight that you are making progress on these (which is excellent). But be careful to make sure you are (absolutely consistently) - there is a tendency to 'think' you are but may not be. You will see what I mean as you progress (i.e. you may slip on detachment, falling into bad communication habits etc). Don't assume you are there 100% and remain vigilant for your behavioural patterns, should the falter.

In terms of the following:

4. I need to respond, rather than say nothing to not engage, right? I've been mostly silent when she tries to start a fight.

DB Coaches have suggested to me to consider your WW as sad (not bad) and try to listen and validate. You don't need to speak as such - mainly to listen. But should she start to cross boundaries (become disrespectful, try to create an argument, talk about OM etc) let her know you are not happy about that - tell her confidently and fairly and move on or leave the room if you need to.

There are so many ways to deal with this, but IMHO the main point here is to not let her corner you to start a fight - it won't improve your R.

Surfer.


Did,

Search poster (display name) you can then posts and then you can actually print their thread to a PDF - I find this easiest.

Surfer.

[Surfer]

Misery loves company. She wants to know that you are unhappy so she call feel better. Do not give her the pleasure. And stop telling her you are sorry when she says she is sad...

Also, don't tell her

you are welcome

.

Surfer.

Be ready for her to ask you for something. She might be buttering you up...

Temp check, buttering up and potentially sweet/salt (sweet/bitter cycle).

Reasons:

- Getting you to re-attach/temp checking (she wants a hold on you)
- She wants you to do something for her (she wants a hold on you/wants something)
- She wants to be nice so she can then be nasty (see The Drama Triangle)

Surfer.

[Vanilla]

Be careful of being set up for a fight. It is often a set up to get you out of the MBR and house.

If she starts, record even if it's not legal to use in court. If she hits you again find the bathroom and lock it.

You have raised the A she now knows you know. And she is likelying aware others suspect too. There is someone she doesn't want to know about it. And likely there was something in her head about the lake that was crucial for secrecy. An A thrives on secrecy and often withers in the light of truth.

She will also realise you know about the cash.

I would straightforwardly ask when she is putting it back as it's marital assets. This in an evidential way if possible.

V


What to say when she says she is sad?

I know but it's self inflicted don't you think.

Your conscience biting you?

I can hear/see that.

Have you had medical help for it?

That's tough.

Or in your own words.....

V

[Surfer]

Ovr,

V is spot on - and the physical stuff, she perhaps wanted this to escalate into a fight over the bed. She wants you out of there and the house. Stay put.

On the bathroom locking. My early days red flags (that we all ignore) I have locked myself in at least 6 of our bathrooms (different houses - it's not that big - ha ha). Essentially every single one due to the ferocity of my W's rages - so bad that I just felt she was trying to get me to engage.

She is worried about you recording behaviour as she knows it is bad and would go against the image she wants to create to others - she is concerned others are starting to see her behaviour. She does not want this - she needs her secret to stay exactly that. Almost like someone that beats the children in private - it is mental abuse in this case.

If she is telling you she is playing a game, it's because she is (projection). Just ignore that. There are statements that are challenges rather than introductions to a conversation. don't engage in the challenge. You will not come off well. Be careful, use knowledge of the drama triangle to your advantage. Also try to log the pattern of conversations mentally. If you know where they go and it's not good - head it off. The WAW is habit based. You will spot patterns.

Surfer.


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